Day 292: The Origin of Anger in My Life Part 3: Understanding my Relationship with Anger
Something I realized recently about the role anger and rage has played in my life, is how it has primarily reared its head in scenarios in which I am faced with something I don't in that moment see and understand how to direct; a problem I don't immediately see a solution to. Specifically what I found is that key to why this happens, is that I had walked into that scenario within SOME point of expectation. What I mean by this is that, within me I had attached some point of want, desire, value to a particular outcome. The outcome could be either an actual possible outcome, or an IDEA of an outcome. Primarily what I've found in the nature of how I form expectations, is that I tend to form expectations attached to wanting an outcome based in the POTENTIAL I see in something. You see, in walking my process over the past few years and really getting to know my natural skills, capacities, strengths, expressions, I've found that what comes naturally to me is seeing the potential of what something can be become in terms of its highest Expression. This can be applied to for example looking at a concept for an art piece, or taking an outline or rough version of a song and seeing how that concept could be expressed, presented, placed in reality with impact, with effect. Or also for example during times when I've had the opportunity to coach people with singing, I find I can see the potential of what their voice could be developed into. Or another example would be working in business with creating a brand for a product, looking at the product and seeing how it could be presented in a way through branding, through images, through words that effectively convey its value, its expression as a product within the world; how to give it impact. And with myself for instance, I've come to see how my natural abilities and features such as my voice, my speaking skills, my ability to work with people and teach others, all lend themselves well to leadership in business, to sales, to education. And in seeing this I've come to see that my potential necessitates I take responsibility to develop the practical skills required to LIVE this potential in the world.
However, what I've found that I do NOT naturally possess, is the patience, discipline, and very structured, methodical and consistent focus and DRIVE to walk the practical steps from beginning to COMPLETION, in relation to working with the tools, the mediums required to be worked with to actually bring something from potential, from idea, from concept, into a finished product. I've found this for instance with things that require an intensive and lengthy learning curve, or a high degree of technical understanding and theory, or a lot of time spent doing small, highly specialized actions that EVENTUALLY culminate in a finished product. I've always tended to find ways of doing things that give me a more immediate result, a more immediate experience of seeing a creation being brought to life. For example coaching singing is something I enjoy because it's very much about being here with a person and working with them in real time, getting to a result through speaking, using my hands, directly sharing insights and pointers, and demonstrating things for them. Coming up with lyrics and music for songs is also something I enjoy - that process of playing around and having a song open up, an expression open up. But then - that process of spending a lot of time and detailed, methodical work with a computer program to actually get the expression into FORM in this reality as a produced song --- that part I tend to not enjoy as much. Though, a dynamic I have really enjoyed is working with a producer, like I did with Fidelis Spies on the Desteni farm, where he was the one primarily in charge of the production, recording, mixing, and mastering, and where I would share my input, make suggestions, learn from him, and we'd work together until the project came together as a finished product.
But, typically what I've faced in my life is that when I am faced with being in a position where I have to do that kind of highly technical, methodical, time intensive stuff on my own, and there is a lot of problem solving and troubleshooting and things that go wrong and obstacles that appear unexpectedly -- this is when I've tended to react to things and get frustrated and angry very easily! I've had a pattern of walking into such a situation wanting to see and experience a RESULT, or a specific outcome NOW, and wanting to be able to focus primarily on the aspects of a project that I have a natural expression with -- which is the conceptual stuff, the potential, the image, the sound -- I tend to walk into a project with this intense desire to EXPERIENCE what I see the finished product could be, and I see that I've attached a positive value to the things I am naturally good at like singing, conceptualizing, opening up an expression - while I've attached a negative value to the methodical, time intensive, technically oriented aspects of actually bringing that expression into reality.
Because of these expectations, desires, and values I've been walking with, I've tended to get frustrated and angry very quickly when it comes to the practical LIVING of my potential. My starting point has been very much aligned to reacting to problems, obstacles, TIME, because within defining my expression and value only through those things I can experience more immediately, I've basically set up a relationship where, if something takes a long time, or presents me with obstacles and problems I don't immediately see how to overcome, within my mind I'll perceive the event as something that is TAKING something from me, something that is HOLDING ME BACK -- I'll blame the point and see it as a problem, and then get angry, frustrated, and give up and stop trying. The problem then is that I'll suppress that expression that I was working on bringing into reality, and end up spending my time doing other things, which in turn eventually results in me getting depressed and MORE angry and creating this bitterness within myself, because I am perceiving / feeling that I am being PREVENTED from expressing myself, from living my full potential, because there's all this stuff that 'I can't do', and 'that's too hard', and 'that I'm not good at'.
BUT! This whole thing is really not necessary because, what I see is that all I need to do is - let go of the expectation, let go of the desire for that projected / imagined EXPERIENCE of the outcome / finished product, and embrace / stand one and equal with the actual REALITY of what I am working with, which is that -- hey, things are NOT immediate like I want them to be. The reality is that -- the actual PROBLEM that is holding me back: is ME! I create my own experience of being held back and limited by 'all these obstacles', because I keep wanting to experience the result, the finished product, the potential NOW, and - then when reality doesn't support me in getting this experience = I react and experience / believe I am being limited by my reality, instead of seeing and realizing that I am the one trying to force reality to conform to my own limited expectations.
The reality is that I have to embrace how things actually work, let go of expectations and desires, and become SOLUTION oriented. The reality is that, I DO see what is required to be done to bring my potential, and the potential of a certain projects into reality, into living expression, but to do this I have to make peace with, and stand one and equal with what is really HERE in my hands, in space time reality, that's required to be walked to get to that point of completion / fulfillment. When I'm not FIGHTING the reality of what needs to be done, then I open myself up to LEARN and be able to MOVE myself within discipline, patience, and self enjoyment, able to walk those methodical, technical steps without reacting and getting frustrated - and supporting myself by seeking out assistance from others if necessary!
Not having seen this point before, has been probably the SINGLE biggest factor in why I have struggled so much with anger in my life. It has been my single biggest weakness. But within this I also see that in CHANGING myself, becoming solution oriented, letting go of my expectations and desires and imagined outcomes, I am then in a position where I can stand one and equal with my reality, and become able to really take the time to explore what resources, what tools, what people can I use to assist and support myself effectively in the process of bringing my potential to LIFE. And within such a starting point, I see I can transform this weakness into a strength -- where instead of FIGHTING my reality, sabotaging myself through anger and frustration, giving up and believing it is reality that is the problem, and trapping myself in the cycle of DESIRE for an experience, and fearing to miss out / lose that experience, I stand one and equal with my reality - I let go of the SELF INTEREST which SEPARATES me from reality, separates me from my ability to LIVE -- the self interest being my expectations, desires, the WANTING of an experience, and I allow myself to accept the Self Responsibility required to be taken, to actually walk my potential into CREATION, into Fulfillment. The point I am walking with is the point of transforming Self-Sabotage into Self Fulfillment.
I know there are many, many others out there who experience the exact same point, and indeed aren't we as Humanity faced with this exact same point? Aren't we sabotaging our potential, our future, our expression, our well being, our very planet and resources, through holding onto the values, the desires, the expectations, the dreams, the wants, the experiences we've defined ourselves by? I mean, we're literally allowing ourselves to destroy each other and destroy our environment because we're unwilling to look beyond WHAT WE WANT NOW. And in being this way, we're closing ourselves off from being able to see SOLUTIONS, from being able to see the VALUE in each other, from being able to see that when we stand together and GIVE to each other - then we each have what we need to reach our fullest potential. Just as I see in myself, that in giving up the desires and expectations and experiences I've defined myself by, I am then able to GIVE myself the gift of being able to take Self Responsibility to do what is required to being my fullest potential into Living Expression -- from creating a song, to building my business, to being able to assist and support myself to be solution and SUPPORT oriented in all aspects of my relationships.
In order for me to see and realize all this, I walked a path that brought me close to the point of self sabotage, where, as I described in my first post in this series, I trapped myself into SURVIVAL within the cycle of desire, hope, expectation, tied in with fear of losing / missing out on what I want, reacting more and more when I would encounter an obstacle, a failure, something not going as I expected, and locking myself into the pattern of Rage as the release of suppressed accumulated reactions. I came close to getting to a point where my anger would have made it impossible to continue developing my Agreement with my partner, and which would have led me further and further away from living my natural self expression.
I do not recommend the path of self sabotage, as that path is what leads to all kinds of Consequences like giving up on relationships, giving up on career paths, giving up on your education, giving up on your natural self expression, developing self destructive behavior.
I instead recommend the path of Self Honesty, Self Forgiveness, and Self Corrective writing and application. Without these tools I would not have been able to identify the underlying causes of my anger experiences, see the way forward, and be able to share any of what I'm sharing now.
In posts to come I will walk through earlier events in my life and show how they influenced the formation of the desires, expectations, and self definitions through which I set myself up to walk the path of self sabotage, and within this show how such a path could be prevented earlier in life, and how there are ways of understanding your world, understanding others, and how through developing this understanding, this practical awareness, one can transcend the pattern of emotional reaction, suppression, and struggle, and expand yourself beyond what you thought you were limited to.