Day 288: The Origin of Anger in My Life Part 1: Trapped in a Memory, Trapped in Survival
I made this picture because it illustrates how I had experienced a point that I had accepted and allowed myself to get locked into, and which over the last couple of years I experienced the consequences of. The point of being trapped in a memory! In recent weeks I realized and saw how I had specifically ended up locking myself into a survival mode, projecting memories into the future, thinking and believing I am seeing my actual future as what I am supposed to accomplish and experience as my 'purpose' in this life. Within this I manifested myself into an inner struggle between the fear of losing the future I believed was my purpose -- thus in essence 'failing my life / my purpose', and the deep desire and hope of achieving this projected future / purpose.
This survival mode within being trapped in a memory / memories ended up extensively influencing my starting point within how I viewed, experienced, and approached the primary points I am walking with and creating / developing in my life which are the points of my Self Expression within creative arts / music, business / making money, and developing an Agreement / Relationship with my partner. From projection and expectation, to disappointment, frustration, apathy, depression, and generally experiencing my life as a struggle.
The primary point of consequence that I manifested was that of outbursts of anger / rage -- which is a point I had been walking with from rather early in my life, from around the age that I started middle school / age 12-13. However it is only recently as I mentioned, that I've come to see and realize the extent to which I had defined myself / my purpose in life through this survival mode defined by the fear of loss / desire and hope around getting to this 'future point', and how this related specifically to the manifestation of the anger point.
In blogs to follow, I will be walking through what I've seen and realized as to how I manifested this point of anger / rage within me, through the nature of my relationship with emotion and feeling reactions in relation to how I interpreted and dealt with specific events and experiences throughout my life, starting at an early age.
I'll be sharing how the formation of my primary Self Image / Self Definition at a young age influenced how I saw myself in terms of my skills, my potential, my expression, my worth, and how I interpreted and reacted within Emotion to certain events and experiences throughout my formative years.
I'll be sharing how my emotional reactions influenced my Self Image and how I defined myself in relation to others in my life, and how I progressed into finding ways of suppressing and coping with my emotions through Positive experiences / fantasies / future projections and expectations, becoming the survival point within which my starting point ended up becoming this quest, this struggle, to accomplish my 'Purpose' as the fulfillment of my primary desires, hopes, and fantasies.
I'll be sharing how the underlying Purpose I had accepted myself to exist within and as, caused me to not be able to see how to fundamentally change / stop the anger point within me, and how within identifying and letting go of this purpose, I've been able to release myself / unlock myself from the survival point, see and understand anger and emotion in its proper context as it specifically relates to me and my life, and in this open up a whole new way of seeing myself and my life, a new world of possibilities and opportunities to start Start creating myself for real, and be free of the inner struggle I had been walking with.