Day 280: Self Forgiveness on Resisting Challenges in Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a negative charged judgment to the word Challenge, and to define myself within the statement of 'I do not like challenges'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest a dislike / resistance to challenges within and as myself, when I reached an age where I began to experience and face how I cannot simply do things the way I want and have things be easy, because I defined myself, my enjoyment, my ability, within the things I had already become comfortable doing, and did not understand the reality of the process of physical effort and disciplined action required to really take something from ideas and potential into actual physical reality in my life / as myself, and so reacted to situations that challenged me to give up the way I wanted to do things / imagined things, because that would mean giving up my self definition -- but I did not see or realize this at the time and so experienced that I am being subjected to something 'unfair'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define challenges -- things that push me to change and go outside of my comfort zone, as 'unfair'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, from a young age define myself within the idea and belief that things are supposed to be 'fair', as defined by - people and things in my life fitting in with what is comfortable to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form an idea of 'what the world should be like', as a projection / imagination of me experiencing myself not having to do things that I don't want to / prefer doing, and to not see and realize that this idea only exists as a positive polarity projection in my mind based on me having judged / blamed what is here / the world that is here / what I'm required to do / my responsibilities, within a negative charged judgment of it 'being unfair' as defined by 'forcing me to do things I don't want to / am not comfortable doing' -- and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize and see that in order to experience myself within and as the self definition of 'me being in a world that is unfair', I must constantly exist within and as this polarity design of seeing / judging the world as being 'unfair', and seeing / judging my idea / projection of 'a world where I don't have to do things I resist / things that are not comfortable', as being 'fair'

Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest resistance and an experience of apathy within and as myself toward what's required to be done in my life through constantly judging what is required to be done in my life as 'unfair'

Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto my idea / projection of an experience of 'being freed from all these unfair things I have to do', within a point of secretly hoping that 'something will happen' that will enable me to take an 'easier way' and be able to 'get out of' the things in my life that currently stand as challenges / points that require effort and dedication and discipline - within this only perpetuating my experience of resistance and apathy toward challenges

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the idea / belief that I am 'unique' and 'different' and within this define my experience of resistance and apathy toward responsibilities in my life as being a result of my 'uniqueness' not being compatible with 'this world', within this placing myself as a victim instead of seeing and realizing that such a statement / starting point is actually just self manipulation of wanting to hold onto blame in order to protect my fantasy / idea of experiencing myself in a world 'free from responsibilities where I can just do whatever I want'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself / define myself to be less than / inferior to what is here as the world, in order to experience the idea that I am a victim, to provide the necessary friction / conflict toward what is here to move into the positive polarity point of my projection / idea of 'being free' as defined by the fantasy of not having to participate / discipline myself to face the challenges required in my life, which I connected a positive charge to -- and through which I defined myself to be 'superior' to what is here / how the world exists now -- where, my way of dealing with feeling inferior / fearing challenges, is to place myself up 'higher' on this platform where I judge / define myself to be 'a more free person' by nature and 'therefore that is why I resist the challenges and responsibilities in my life' -- even though I am not more free because if I was -- then I would have no problem embracing what is here, standing one and equal with what is here, and walking a real solution into manifestation for ALL here in and as this reality - where my idea of freedom is just Ego, just a Character I play to make myself feel better about not disciplining myself to walk through the resistances and fears I still face toward challenges and points where I have to step outside of my comfort zone

Self Commitment statements to follow...

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