Day 278: Stopping the Attacker Within Me - Part 2

In my last post I walked Self Forgiveness and Self Commitment statements on the point of going into an 'attack' reaction when and as I experience certain moments of physical discomfort or pain as a result of interacting with my physical environment / world in unexpected ways.

The primary point of self correction that opened up through the Self Forgiveness statements, was that of moving myself in the moment of reaction, in that moment of physical discomfort or pain, to stop myself, and forgive myself in the moment and release / let go of the energy / reaction so that I am clear as I move into the next moment.

What I've experienced today, is that a couple of times this reaction started to come up, and each time -- I was able to stop myself, forgive myself, let go of the reaction / energy. What I've so far experienced within this is that it's like a lifting of a weight within myself and the ability to stabilize myself where, previously I had had difficulty letting go of this reaction. I've been walking with this reaction for years and I realize that the only reason I hadn't been stopping this reaction effectively before, was that I had not deconstructed the experience effectively through Self Forgiveness previously. In my last post, I was able to write it out to a point where my Starting Point - my Who I Am within the reaction, became clear. Previously, I see I had not been yet willing to give up this reaction, to give up this seemingly 'small' point of anger, because, the interesting this was that I was still holding onto / defining myself within the specific point of believing the energy of Anger gives me a form of 'freedom' -- and strangely, in order to have this point of 'freedom' -- I mean it's based on initially experiencing myself as a victim in some way -- in this case, a 'victim of my reality', a 'victim of physical discomfort and pain', a victim of something 'I can't control'. That victim reaction provides the Negative point from which I can then move to the Positive point - the point that makes me feel 'more than', the point that makes me feel like I have 'control' -- which in this case is Anger.

Once I get to where my Value has really been placed -- then I am able to see the relationship within which the Value exists and is experienced, and within that I can see Who I Am quite clearly, and from there, in seeing the actual construct of how the experience exists in me, it then opens up this level of objectivity that was not there before, because I was still like, 'trapped' in the experience, as the experience, still believing it's really 'me' in some way.

Interestingly, I've been walking this process for years now, and have worked through many many reactions effectively, stopping many patterns effectively, changing myself effectively. Yet, the challenge of this process is when you get to the points that are like, your Primary points, the points through which you've most extensively defined yourself through, the points that really feel like 'you'.
There what I notice is that there's a tendency to keep creating this 'long process of change', because there's a belief that since this is like 'a big point for me', it's got to be this big, long, complicated process' to change, but within that actually CREATING an extra process around the point, through continuing to believe in the experience, rather than taking every available opportunity, every available moment to - be Self Honest and deconstruct the experience, get to the bottom of it, do the Forgiveness, and move on. Because it's interesting, If I look at what I would do if I no longer experienced any reactions, any fears, any resistances, I mean all that's left is to Create myself - to Move myself, to really Live as the Directive Principle of myself -- which, would be real Self Freedom. So it's interesting how we'll hold onto an emotion, a reaction, a fear, a desire, a resistance, because that gives an apparent 'excuse' as to why it's apparently okay to stay limited just a little while longer, to not have to face that point of total Self Responsibility - that point of realizing -- okay, you said you wanted to be free -- so why are you not giving yourself that freedom? Where is there still some value / self definition in the limitation?

In my case, the point is Anger, and within that specifically the design of going into a point of 'Attack' reaction towards points in which an experience of powerlessness, victimization, helplessness is triggered.

So, I will be continuing to deconstruct this point, to uncover all the points where I've placed value in Anger, so that I can realign myself from Reaction / Energy as Consciousness, to Expression / Direction as Life.

2 comments: Leave Your Comments

  1. Very cool Matti, I like how you saw that holding onto anger was like a point of freedom for you. Like this is my expression and I do not want to let it go. Very cool. I can see this now in my "stubborn" areas where I also feel or believe- this is going to take a long time to change. When in fact it is really something I do not want to give up. Very Interesting. Thanks