Day 277: Stopping the Attacker Within Me - Part 1
I'm starting with the dimension of how I see I tend to react within Anger and within wanting to 'Attack' my reality when I experience moments of physical discomfort or pain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I experience a sudden, unexpected physical discomfort or pain - like for example bumping into something, catching myself on something, having a piece of clothing get stuck or do something uncomfortable, or when something isn't working like it's supposed to, immediately react and get angry, immediately accessing blame and immediately believing in the experience of blame, immediately believing that I am justified getting angry, immediately going into a point of victimization within believing that, that which caused the discomfort / pain is the Problem
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when and as I experience a moment of physical discomfort or pain happening unexpectedly as a result of coming into contact with my physical environment in a way that I did not in the moment 'plan to', react within the statement / belief that 'something is being done unto me'
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize and see that blaming the physical reality for moments of experiences of discomfort and pain and inconvenience, shows where I am not standing one and equal with and as my reality, with and as what is here, but where I am standing in separation from / of what is here, as a Character in my mind through which I have made myself less than what is here - which I see primarily is the Character of -- wanting to 'be free' -- which is a desire / want I designed within having experienced moments / situations in my life in which I did not understand how to give direction to problems / difficulties / painful situations and so reacted to the situation within an emotion of disempowered / helpless -- through which I designed myself as Anger / accepted myself as Anger because it gave me an energy rush of what I believed was 'freedom', because it made me feel powerful / made me feel like 'I cannot be fucked with' and thus would be 'free' from the same experience happening to me again, but through and as which I actually was always making myself less than the problem because -- anger never provided solutions / insight -- only energy -- only the ability to go from a low point / powerless experience, to the experience of apparently 'overcoming' that powerlessness -- which I see was always an illusion because -- anger never actually enabled me to overcome any point where I was faced with a problem / situation I couldn't direct -- it only ever enabled me to experience myself as a character of and as Energy in my own mind, within which I believed the experience of energy / anger equaled freedom
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to attack / go into anger in reaction to things that I can't control
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that controlling my reality is the solution to prevent discomfort and pain, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when and as I, in a moment do not see a way to control a point within my reality that I perceive to be victimizing me, to become and live out the the design of 'attacking' the point, according to how I programmed myself within the belief that anger / energy gives me 'freedom', and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that anger / energy is 'freedom' because it gives me the ability to attack / control things, within this believing that in attacking / controlling things I am giving myself 'freedom' from a problem, instead of realizing that attack / control is an expression / indication that I am not yet seeing how to in fact direct the problem
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as Spitefulness within and as the desire / want to subdue / attack that which I do not immediately understand / see how to direct, wherein I am living the statement of 'if I can't stop this / get away from this, then I'm going to attack it', within this limiting myself / closing myself off from being able to understand things / see solutions
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize and see how this is exactly how violence / wars are waged -- particularly when the environment is such that the problem being faced is so extensive / prevalent physically and everything in the environment supports the design of attack / reaction / anger, that the reactions toward the problem are easily accumulated and substantiated, leading to this reactive character eventually completely possessing the body and being lived through physical violence, within the belief that the energy generated through living out this character, is actually equated to freedom / a solution
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry when I hurt myself or experience discomfort when I come into contact with my environment in a certain way
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to experience 'my life / my world' free from discomfort and pain, and to define myself within this want / desire, believing that 'my life / my world' comes first and is most important, instead of seeing and realizing that preventing discomfort and pain is not going to happen until it is able to be prevented for -- everyone / all life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge physical discomfort and pain within a negative charged value, within this manifesting a negative experience within myself toward it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my world / reality as being flawed / wrong when I experience physical discomfort or pain, and believe that this is why I am reacting / getting angry -- instead of realizing and seeing that my reaction is showing me my own flaws that I need to take self responsibility for
I commit myself to identify and remove from myself in all ways, the reaction of anger within judgment / blame toward physical discomfort and pain
When and as I experience a moment of physical discomfort or pain unexpectedly as I am going about my day, I commit myself to accept the experience without judging it
When and as I react to physical discomfort or pain, I commit myself to not just 'let it happen', but to apply self forgiveness and take a moment to let go of the energy / reaction, and let go of the judgment / blame, and stabilize myself, so that I move on to the next moment clear - without taking this energy / anger / reaction with me
I commit myself to take self responsibility for my own flaws instead of blaming my reality for having flaws
I will continue opening up further dimensions of this point in posts to come.