Day 276: Stuck in the Comfort Zone Part 3: Defining Self as "Unique and Different" - Self Forgiveness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the expression of artists and musicians are of more value and 'uniqueness' than other humans who are not artists or musicians
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I was a child and still in school, compare myself to others and define myself as 'different and unique' because I was more naturally good at art and music than others
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when and as I experienced others praising and complimenting me for my art and music, believe that I must be very different and unique, and that I must be a 'special kind of person' because of my skills with art and music -- instead of realizing and seeing that this was just an interpretation, where I took the voice tonalities, facial expressions, and specific words like 'gifted', and 'special', and 'talented' that I heard, and interpreted it through an positive reaction / feeling within myself, where -- I took these sounds, pictures, and words to mean that, since people are responding to me like this, but not to others around me, that must mean I am different, special, unique, and of more value than others -- and thus defined myself in this way
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that artistic and musically talented people are here to live a life where, that's all they are required to do -- just art and music --- instead of realizing that I had formed this idea because, from a young age -- I did not develop an awareness and understanding of the actuality of the world I am in, the practical reality I am faced with, in terms of the Earth, the world system, jobs, money, the mind, how thoughts, feelings, and emotions are formed -- I did not develop within a standing, and seeing of myself as Life -- as equal and one with All Here in and as this world and reality, but rather saw myself and experienced myself separate from Life, from others, from All, from what is HERE -- through the eyes of only my experience of doing art and music and the feedback I got from it -- I saw the world only through and as my self definition / ideas and beliefs about myself I formed through interpreting feedback and sounds and words from others in my environment
Within this, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define art, music -- creativity, as being something that is separate from others, and does not exist in others, but only exists within 'different' and 'unique' people -- instead of seeing and realizing that, in essence, expression is of Life, from Life, and that Life is that which we all should be, Here, Equal -- where, our Expression may be unique, but we are the SAME as Life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define Who I Am as an 'artist', instead of realizing that who I really am is -- Life Here
Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest myself within and as a relationship toward art and music, based on Emotion and Feeling -- where I formed a FEAR of losing my creativity, losing out on art and music, because I believed that art and music is 'who I am', and thus anything where I would be faced with having to do things that do not allow me to do art and music, is 'not who I am', and within that I would feel like I am 'missing out' on 'who I am' -- and where within this I would then have the DESIRE and fantasy of doing art and music, and be chasing, dreaming about, wishing for this desire to come true -- where, within this what I did was to trap myself in a pattern of -- never taking action to actually create a life for myself in which I am able to do art and music to the extent / potential I could -- never living to my full potential -- because I believed / experienced that doing things that don't involve art and music -- is 'compromising who I am'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that, from a young age I was so preoccupied with imagining what I could do, imagining my potential, visualizing what I'd like to do, but didn't understand the process of actually bringing such things into existence through LIVING and participating fully in physical reality within actual disciplined, consistent movement -- where, I compromised and limited myself because I believed that what I want, should be given to me and just 'happen' because I am apparently 'different' and 'unique' in my creativity - and thus never developed the point of setting goals and doing whatever it takes to achieve them
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that in defining myself within the idea that art and music makes me 'different' and 'unique', and believing that that idea is who I am, that I am not in fact living for / as self expression -- this idea does not in fact support me in living my creativity fully -- because it's just a system - a definition through which I manifested a relationship toward myself / other / the world through and as my mind, separating myself from MYSELF as life, as self expression, through believing that the feeling I get from an idea about myself is who I am
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize and see how my vision became tunneled to focus only on desiring and wanting things to happen according to my idea of myself, and wherein I would substantiate my idea of myself each time I would experience a resistance toward doing something, or I would feel good about something I imagine / want to happen -- where I believed that because I resist 'non art' things, that means that my idea of myself is 'real' -- I really am 'different and unique', and since I feel good when I'd imagine things going 'the way I want' and I feel good when I am doing art and music -- my idea of myself is 'real' -- 'this must be what I am supposed to do and what's supposed to happen in my life'
Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to resist and not want to do 'non art and music' things, through how I defined myself within the idea that 'who I am is unique and different', wherein 'experiencing myself as unique and different' became my primary definition of myself, the way I saw myself as 'who I am' in this world
Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the world, to blame money, to blame the education system, to blame society, to blame others, for my emotional experience of apathy and feeling disempowered and limited, instead of realizing that I created the experience myself, through how I had defined myself, and that the reason I would keep coming back to this emotional experience, is because I was still holding onto and seeing myself through the idea that I am 'unique and different', within having believed what I had accepted from a young age, as the idea that creativity, art and musical talent, makes me 'different and unique' --- oh and another word pops up here, which is 'privileged'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that those with a creative ability within art and music, are 'privileged', and do not have to do what everyone else does
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have a privilege and right to 'only do art and music'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a comfort zone around doing art and music, through believing that art and music is 'who I am' --- instead of realizing that, as Life, as a Breath, Here, in and as the Physical -- I am not limited to 'only do art and music', but I am able to in fact physically move and participate and develop skills and take action, to expand myself and live not according to a comfort zone, but according to -- what's self honestly effective to do and supports me to live fully as LIFE within my potential of assisting and supporting in bringing about a world that is best for all
I commit myself to show how creativity is not something 'special', but is within everyone, and that to really honor creativity, would be to create a world where we all give each other the means to discover and explore our creativity - a world where everyone's needs are met and none go without -- and that this is the priority point of responsibility we face in this world,
I commit myself to show that within this, a process of change is required to be walked, with self honesty and self forgiveness, so that we can realign our starting point to Life and get rid of any self ideas, self beliefs, self definitions that create self-programs that limit us to consider only self interest
I commit myself to show how emotions and feelings don't indicate what's real, what's really LIFE, but only indicate where and how we've separated ourselves from ourselves as Life, and thus separated ourselves from actual Self Expression through an Illusion called Consciousness which is what we experience as our thoughts, feelings, emotions, desires, fears we Build from our Self Definitions
I commit myself to remind myself that I am not this idea of being 'unique and different', but that who I am is life
I commit myself to show that in removing the idea of being 'unique and different', I do not lose my ability to do art and music - I do not lose myself - I simply give up a Character that only existed in my mind as Energy - as feelings and self image - and in giving this up - I open up the door to expand myself beyond the limitations of that character