Day 231: Self Forgiveness on Creating Drowsiness
Sleep is one of the things that is generally just accepted as just 'part of being human'. But as I've been walking my process over the past few years I've realized sleep has more dimensions to it than we would like to believe.
For example, take that experience of 'drowsiness', where you're sitting at your computer, or trying to do some work, and you just start nodding off, your eyes closing, your head dropping down, and there's this heaviness that feels like it's just invading your head and it's like -- I neeeeeed to sleeeeeeeep.....zzzzzzzzz.
One of the things I've noticed about the nature of this 'tiredness' experienced primarily in the head area / eyes area is that typically I only experience this when I've already been participating in some form of resistance, or depression, or lack of motivation, or listlessness in relation to my day, or in relation to a specific point within my day that needs to be done. Like, in those moments where that drowsiness and heaviness is coming over me, if I'm really self honest I can always see if, in that moment I'm actually like 'shutting down' - not wanting to face / work with what is here in my world / in my day in that moment -- I'm wanting to just 'escape it' for a moment.
Actually as I'm writing this, I can see a specific point that came up recently and which has happened before, where I'll go into this drowsiness / heaviness in my head / wanting to sleep, and where I can see this is triggered by this experience I'm having of 'not knowing what to do with myself' within my day. When this has happened it's usually been when I have a day off from work, and I have more 'free time'. Now it's interesting because I can immediately see that this is a consequence of accumulated moments within which I did not prioritize my day effectively and immediately do what I see is required to be done, and where I missed out on the opportunity to get certain things done -- and now I'm in this moment where I have 'free time', but I'm judging myself for having 'wasted time', and then I go into this subtle reaction of anxiety within imagining myself 'wasting my day', and then I react to this anxiety within a desire / wanting to 'do what's most important / do what has the highest priority' -- but within this then I end up in this experience of 'I don't know what to do right now' -- because interestingly, I'm not actually looking at the points in my world that require to be done / what I can do in that moment really -- not actually looking at my priorities within common sense practicality -- but rather looking at it from a starting point of 'what can I do right now that will relieve me of this anxiety / what will make up for the time I lost' - projecting in my mind a point where I'm 'feeling better', based on trying to 'bring back' the time I missed previously. And as I'm doing this the subtle anxiety reaction is starting to compound and I start feeling 'pressured' to 'decide what to do', and then I go into this point of -- ' I don't know what to do', and then that's when the drowsiness / tiredness comes in. It's like quite clear -- I'm creating this drowsiness / heaviness / tiredness so that I apparently 'don't have to face this moment / these reactions' because -- ah ha - I'm 'tired' and therefore I'll go and sleep.
Though, this whole timeline of reactions leading to tiredness is totally unnecessary because I can see that it is simply a point of establishing consistency in using my time effectively and directing myself to do that which has the priority.
So now I'll walk the Self Forgiveness on this point, starting with the point where I see I judged myself for not directing my time effectively, which is then followed by a reaction of anxiety, and a reaction of wanting to 'make up for it', followed by a reaction of 'don't know what to do', followed by the tiredness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having fallen in moments throughout my day where I allowed resistances / preferences to direct what I did with my time in moments, instead of directing myself as principle from the moment I woke up and immediately, consistently acting within what I see has the priority
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I fell in moments where I allowed myself to be directed by resistances / preferences instead of directing myself as principle, that now it makes sense to / now I must experience 'anxiety' because 'something bad has happened', instead of realizing that anxiety and any experience of emotion / reaction is not necessary and that nothing 'bad has happened' -- it's simply a point of realigning myself within myself through self forgiveness, to practical living, and then living that practical correction within my day / my time that is available because that's all I can do and it's pointless to judge myself and create anxiety about 'what I missed'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the anxiety, instead of realizing and seeing that it is not necessary / not real / is irrelevant
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within believing in the anxiety, then go into a point of wanting / desiring to 'make up my lost time' by 'doing something important NOW', instead of realizing that -- within this I was not actually wanting to 'make up lost time' -- I was wanting to 'feel better' / not experience anxiety -- but within this not seeing that the solution for anxiety is self forgiveness and stopping the energy, not projecting / looking for a positive point / experience
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the experience of 'wanting to make up for lost time', and to within this not see that I was actually holding / compounding the experience of anxiety and self judgment within myself, in order to be able to project a positive experience of 'having made up for lost time'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of 'not knowing what to do' within having accepted and allowed myself to believe in the energy / reactions of my self judgment, my anxiety, and my desire to 'make up for lost time' - which compounded and resulted in me being distracted by the energy and thus not 'seeing what to do' --- where I didn't see that 'what I should be doing' -- is stopping myself, taking responsibility for my reactions and releasing myself from the energy
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create / go into a drowsiness / heaviness / tiredness as a reaction to my experience of 'not knowing what to do', and to believe in the experience instead of standing up within it and making the decision to not accept or allow it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to decide to be limited within being tired / drowsy / sleeping instead of deciding to stand up within my reactions and not accept or allow them to continue, and to sort myself out immediately with self forgiveness
When and as I see myself wanting to give in to a resistance / preference in a moment, rather than acting as principle / within what is best for all / what has the priority, I commit myself to stop, to relax, to breathe, and to apply self forgiveness until I am clear, and to then move myself physically to complete the point at hand that has priority
When and as I see I have accepted and allowed myself to not use my time effectively, I commit myself to not accept or allow myself to judge myself, and I commit myself to immediately identify and apply self forgiveness and establish practical self correction in relation to the point within which I fell, resulting in my not using my time effectively, so that I can prepare myself to face that moment again and walk through it instead of falling
I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to believe in the experience of anxiety
When and as I see myself going into a point of 'not knowing what to do', I commit myself to identify any point of 'wanting' to do something', and any other point of thought / feeling / emotion within my starting point, in realizing this may be conflicting with / distracting me from what is in fact Here, and I commit myself to apply self forgiveness until I am clear
When and as I see myself going into an experience of drowsiness / heaviness / tiredness in my head and I can see that I am not actually physically requiring rest, I commit myself to Stop myself and realize that I have participated in a sequence / timeline of points leading up to this experience and that it did not just 'happen', and therefore I commit myself to walk back through the timeline and forgive myself on all the points and realign myself back to practical physical living
When and as I wake up in the morning, I commit myself to assess my time and schedule for the day, and establish what my priorities are, and I commit myself to then walk my priorities one by one