Day 205: An Example of Self Honesty
This is what I initially wrote:
Have been able to develop an effective partnership / relationship where we're able to identify and prevent points of conflict and reaction through each agreeing to take Self Responsibility to investigate the cause / trigger points and work through the points with writing and Self Forgiveness - no more blame or manipulation
This is what I changed it to:
Have been able to develop an effective relationship with myself in relation to my partner wherein, through writing and self honesty I'm able to identify the origin points of reactions and thoughts I experience toward my partner wherein, now when and as such points come up within myself, I have practical tools to be able to face these points and take responsibility for them where as in previous relationships what ended up happening is when things like blame and anger and judgments would arise within me - I didn't have a way to deal with it / stop it and so what ended up happening is that I would suppress the points which eventually led to outbursts and conflicts and ending the relationship.
It's interesting because initially I had a reaction when my partner pointed this out which was like this 'fear of argument' point. So, immediately what this indicated to me is that - there's something in what she's saying that is in fact pointing out something within myself that I missed / did not consider, and the 'fear of argument' is because I had automatically, without even noticing it because it moved so fast, had this point of backchat of 'no, what I wrote is correct, she's incorrect'. So - it's a point where I had placed a value / judgment in what I'd written and defined myself within what I had written as 'it's correct / who I am' and thus -- when I read her words I read it / perceived the words through / as this self definition as a point of 'opposition' and within that, had this fear of argument activate where I'm now preparing myself to 'defend myself'.
So, when I saw this I let go of the value / definition of myself within what I had written and simply looked within myself at the point she was describing / pointing out and immediately saw -- oh yeah, that's correct, I was not in fact describing the reality of 'how I've changed' -- I was presenting the principle of taking self responsibility for blame / manipulation as if the goal / outcome of 'no more blame and manipulation' is already a reality in my Agreement when, that's not the actual living absolute reality yet because I'm still walking a process of self perfection / change -- still in the process of stopping myself / removing these points from myself -- I'm not 'done yet'.
In my next post I'll walk Self Forgiveness on my fear of argument.