Day 122: Postponement Character - Reaction Dimension
I experience a fear, which is a fear that I'm going to get stuck / not understand a point / not be able to write, and I experience an inferiority within myself toward the point of blogging / writing assignments.
This fear / reaction is really the foundation of the postponement character here because it's really the whole reason the thoughts of doing other things come up instantly when I'm faced with blogging / writing assignments. Now this fear doesn't come up when I already clearly see a point to blog about / write about. It comes up when I see that in order to walk the blogging point / writing assignment I'll have to investigate / open up a pattern / point for the first time - where I don't know how long it will take or what exactly it consists of. And what goes hand with this fear of getting stuck / not understanding a point / not being able to write, is a memory where I was writing about a point but got stuck / didn't see 'where to go' with the point, and reacted in immediately judging myself to be inferior to the point I'm working with - where I judged myself as 'not being able to see this / work with this'.
So this fear of getting stuck, with the memory of feeling inferior to the point I'm working with, is like always here within me, and then what happens when I'm faced with blogging / writing about a point that I don't yet see clearly / completely, what will immediately activate is thoughts of doing other things like entertainment / shopping / reading the news / working on photoshop -- where I'll then react with feelings and backchat of a 'positive nature', where I've defined / judged 'doing anything but this blog / writing assignment' as 'positive', because if I do those other things then I don't have to experience the fear of getting stuck / not being able to write -- where, I've judged blogging / writing as 'negative' in relation to working with points I don't already see / understand completely, because in the past experience where I 'got stuck', I reacted / took this personally and judged the poing of blogging / writing to be the cause of my 'negative experience' as emotion of inferiority.
I'll get more into this Fear point when I get to the Fear Dimension, but for now I'm looking at the Reactions that come up with the backchat, after the activation of thoughts.
So, the reactions that I experience after the thoughts of 'doing other things' come up, are reactions of a positive nature - which I would define as relief, and excitement. Like, I'm relieved and excited that the possibility of doing something other than my blogging / writing assignment exists, and within this the backchat comes up that is aligned with justifying / reasoning why it's okay to put off / postpone my blogging / writing assignment.
Self Forgiveness to follow in my next post.