Day 117: Postponement Character: Thought Dimension - Self Forgiveness
In deconstructing this character I'm starting with the Thought Dimension, in looking at the various pictures that switch on in my mind when faced with writing a blog / writing an assignment. It's interesting because it's literally like the picture 'switches on' like you would turn on the TV, with the 'switch' being the physical scenario I'm faced with.
An image of the kitchen or my closet pops up, seeing something I need to buy, seeing myself shopping
Seeing a picture of myself doing other computer work that I can do while watching a series
Seeing a picture of myself reading the news
Seeing a picture of myself working with photoshop
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when I am faced with writing a blog / writing an assignment, that I immediately judge the situation as 'difficult', and that this is based on my past experiences in school of working with writing / assignments, where since I didn't understand how to physically-practically walk the assignment through studying / taking notes / being thorough, I reacted to the work / assignment, judging it to be 'difficult' -- where I defined the word 'difficult' as being 'more than me' - where I saw the assignment / work as 'more than me' / superior to me, and saw myself as 'less than' / inferior to the assignment / work -- wherein from then on any scenario that involved writing work / assignments I experienced as a 'negative', and allowed this experience of the 'negative' to decide on my behalf that 'I don't like writing assignments / work' - justified by 'it's difficult / superior to me'
Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then judge things such as entertainment and shopping, to be 'easy', wherein I defined the word 'easy' as anything that I don't have an experience of inferiority / difficulty within, wherein I experienced anything 'easy' as being 'positive', and allowed this experience of the 'positive' to decide on my behalf that 'I like entertainment / shopping' - justified by 'it's easy, it's not superior to me'
Within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I formed a preference toward things that I experienced as 'positive' / easy, because I didn't like the experience of feeling inferior when faced with work / assignments
Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my living / participation through and as likes and dislikes based on positive and negative experiences -- in separation of myself Here, with and as the Physical Reality of what I'm actually working with, within what is in fact relevant and supportive to myself and to all life
Thus, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I sit down to work on a blog / writing assignment, and immediately experience it as 'difficult' and have thoughts come up wherein I see myself doing other 'easy things' such as shopping / watching a series / reading the news / working with photoshop - that a polarity has begun to play out, where I move from a negative experience based on my negative judgment of the point I'm working with / facing, into thoughts within which I see myself experiencing something 'positive' -- where, the Postponement Character has begun activating -- where I'm 'preparing myself' to postpone working on my blog / writing assignment, through first accessing thoughts of 'other things' that I could do, that are apparently 'better' than the point I'm faced with as the blogging / writing assignment
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I am faced with writing a blog / writing my assignment and sit down to begin working on it, and thoughts / images appear in my mind within which I am seeing myself shopping, watching a series, reading the news, working with photoshop - doing all kinds of various things OTHER than the point I am faced with in the moment as blogging / writing my assignment, believe that it is actually me deciding to have these thoughts and there must be a good reason these thoughts are coming up, and to within this accept the thoughts instead of realizing that the thoughts popped up automatically, triggered when I sat down to begin working on my blog / writing assignment - and that there is thus a preprogrammed pattern starting to activate, as a reaction to the physical scenario / situation / point I am faced with
I'll continue deconstructing the Postponement Character in my next post.