Day 82: Playing it Safe as Consequence of Childhood Fear


I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I was young and was told to pick carrots, and picked them all - even the unripe ones, and then when I showed them to the person who told me to pick them and they became furious and started screaming at me that I was not supposed to pick all of them and that I have done it wrong, I reacted in this moment with shock and fear, believing that I have done something to harm this person, and believed that my actions were the direct cause of the screaming / yelling

Within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that in that moment my reaction of shock and fear imprinted into my physical body, and I also in that moment defined myself within the belief that my actions of not doing something the way it was supposed to be done is the cause of someone screaming at me / me experiencing shock and fear - wherein the entire sequence of events as me 'doing something the wrong way', being yelled at, and experiencing shock and fear, imprinted in me as a memory that I accepted as reality - wherein I believed that this is how reality works - when I do something incorrectly = someone will yell at me and I will experience shock and fear

Within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the moment I accepted this memory as myself, I started living this memory as myself, and that every time I was faced with doing something according to the instructions of someone, this memory was triggered and I would go into fear / anxiety / worry that I will be yelled at and experience shock and fear if I do it wrong

Within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that to avoid the experience of shock and fear / being yelled at, I created the 'play it safe' character, where I started living the statement / decision that 'I will only do something if I am absolutely certain that I can do it properly and there is no chance that I will do it wrong and be yelled at and experience shock and fear'

Within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that this is the reason why whenever I would be faced with learning something new, looking for a job, getting an education, I would react with fear and anxiety, because the memory of doing something incorrectly / experiencing shock and fear would be triggered where I would in my mind see myself being yelled at and experiencing shock and fear, and within that I would go into backchat / inner conversations where I would say to myself in my mind: what if I can't do it? what if I do it wrong? what if I fuck up? what if I get yelled at? Within this compounding my reactions of fear and anxiety wherein I would then access the 'play it safe' character, where I would go into backchat of 'what can I do that I already know how to do? what do I know for certain that I could learn to do correctly?', until I would find something that is 'easy to do' or that I already knew how to do, and picture myself doing something 'easy', with no possibility of doing it incorrectly, where I would then go into a feeling of 'okay, I am safe'

Within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I created an emotional / feeling polarity system within me, that made decisions for me about work / education / learning skills, based on whether it triggered the memory of me being yelled at / experiencing shock and fear, or whether it made me 'feel safe' -- where, the shock and fear reaction was the Negative point, and the 'feeling safe' reaction was the Positive point

Within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize and I had separated myself from actual physical reality into two energetic mental characters that made decisions for me in Fear, based on my initial belief that my physical actions of doing something incorrectly caused / created an experience of shock and fear within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that doing something incorrectly in physical reality results in an experience of shock and fear - instead of realizing that the shock and fear was a result of me not understanding how the mind works, believing that mental / feeling / emotional experiences are caused by physical reality / actions - not seeing that my experience was not caused by my physical actions of doing something incorrectly, but were caused by a self belief

Within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the only reason the memory of doing something incorrectly / being yelled at / experiencing shock and fear existed in me was because of a belief based in a lack of understanding of how the mind works, and a lack of understanding that I was not 'bad' and 'harmful' to the person who told me to pick the carrots - in fact I was not the cause of their reaction of anger / screaming -- because my physical actions do not have the power to create and insert a reaction into someone -- the reaction was due to the acceptances and allowances of the person within themselves - just as my reaction was due to my acceptances and allowances within myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that in approaching learning new skills, education, jobs - there was never anything to fear, as it is simply a matter of being able to learn the skill or not - which is a physical, practical point within which emotions and feelings do not exist -- except through and as the minds of human beings as the result of beliefs and projections

I see and realize that my physical actions did not cause my experience of shock and fear, but that I caused my reaction through beliefs

I see and realize that I do not need to 'feel safe' in order to look for jobs / learn new skills / talk to people, because 'feeling safe' was just the character I created to try and avoid the polarity opposite experience as the 'shock and fear' -- not realizing that I did not need to experience shock and fear in the first place, and that my reaction was just based on beliefs, not on actual reality

I see and realize that I am able to physically move myself, here, breathing as my physical body, in learning skills, talking to people, etc - with no emotion or feeling within me, as emotions and feelings are just memories I have imprinted into me based on past experiences within which I defined myself into and as my mind through beliefs / not understanding how reality actually works

When and as a reaction of fear / anxiety arise within me in relation to learning a skill / looking for a job / talking to someone about a job - I stop and realize I have accessed a memory that I have not yet released myself from, and that there are still beliefs I am accepting and allowing to direct me / exist in me -- and I look at what the belief is, and apply self forgiveness, and bring myself back to physical reality in looking with common sense / practicality at the point I am working with - realizing that the fear was actually just the fear of experiencing fear -- it had nothing to do with the actual physical point at hand

When and as find myself accessing the 'play it safe' character, I stop and realize I've already accepted and allowed a memory of fear to activate within me, and I go back and look at what specifically triggered the memory, and then investigate the memory to identify the beliefs I accepted and allowed which caused me to experience fear, and I apply self forgiveness and delete the beliefs and bring myself back to physical reality in looking with common sense and practicality at the point at hand

I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing reactions and feeling to influence my decision making in relation to learning skills, getting jobs; I commit myself to move myself physically in walking the practical steps, breath by breath, in taking the opportunities that arise, until no more fear exists in me and I have become the directive principle of my participation in fact

I commit myself to show how accepting and allowing fear and feelings to make decisions for me, I am compromising my opportunity to develop and expand my self expression to my utmost potential, and that following what feels good is actually a compromise based on Fear - not actual self expression / choice

I commit myself to show that because 'doing what feels good' is promoted in society, society thus does not understand how the mind works and does not understand that feelings and emotions are not required as motivation to live and participate in this world, and thus requires to be re-educated through a process of each taking self responsibility to walk their entire mind to uncover / expose the patterns / characters of negative / positive experiences they have created / accepted / allowed themselves to exist as, and stop all such patterns / characters and re-establish / re-birth themselves through and as practical lived action as self movement with and as the physical reality -- within which one would then be able to do what is best for all, as one is no longer trapped within an alternate reality of negative and positive experiences that keep one stuck within the self interest of avoiding fear and seeking positive experiences


Creation's Journey to Life

 Joe's Journey to Life



Comments

  1. Very cool Matti - thanks for sharing!

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  2. WOW I read your page after you sent a twitter request..... VERY inspirational and moving... thanks!

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