Day 49: My Journey to Self Expression
In this blog I'm sharing my experience of how, through walking my process of breathing, writing, self honesty, self forgiveness, and self corrective application over the last four years, I've been able to discover my self expression with singing.
In looking at my experience with my voice within my life, when I was very young I sang a lot - I was always humming and singing to myself, and when I was old enough to speak, I would sing the children's songs I would listen to. For me this really came naturally and effortlessly. But at that stage, when I was very young - I didn't see it as 'me doing the activity of singing', or 'me as a singer', because I did not have the context of seeing myself in relationship to other people and their careers and pastimes and hobbies and skills - it was just me, singing, enjoying myself.
It's interesting because in elementary school I sang a lot, and I enjoyed singing on the school bus to the other children, and it was cool because everyone just enjoyed it. I wasn't 'self conscious', and I wasn't doing it from the starting point of 'getting attention', it was simply just me enjoying myself, and the other children also enjoying themselves with listening to me singing.
When I was still very young I was also involved with a children's singing group, where we would learn songs and perform them as a group, with sometimes someone doing a solo performance. At one point I was the one doing a solo performance, and I learned my song and practiced it. But, when the moment came of standing on the stage apart from the rest of the group, with everyone watching me and interesting thing happened. For the first time I experienced nervousness and anxiety as the moment came for me to sing, and I actually lost my voice as I tried to sing. I can remember within the singing group, for the first time learning about 'performing for people', where, we were going to sing songs 'for an audience', and within this my experience of singing began to change, because now it was no longer just me singing because I enjoyed myself, but it was something I 'have to do for an audience.' Anyway, after I had this experience of nervousness and anxiety and losing my voice, I began to fear singing in front of people, because I didn't want to experience the nervousness and anxiety.
Later when I entered middle school I can remember I still would sing in front of people - but at that stage I had learned that there exist 'social groups', which is groups of friends who only like each other and who don't like other kids who aren't part of their group. I had learned that there are people who will make fun of you, tease you, insult you for reasons I could not understand, and when this happened I would immediately take it personally and feel bad about myself, and then fear being around such people who 'don't like me'. So, I was only comfortable singing around people that I had 'made friends with'.
In high school, I started seeing myself more and more in the context of 'fitting in', and making money, and trying to figure out what I'm going to do with my life. And, as I've walked in my previous blogs on my experience of 'Spiritual Awakening', I explained how in my school years I developed a lot of anger and frustration towards school and other people, because I felt like I was being limited unfairly in being rejected by social groups and having to 'follow the rules' of school and work.
So, towards the end of high school I got so fed up with feeling frustrated and angry and limited, that I dropped out of school just so I could 'be free' to do what I want and have fun 'for a while'. I had always also enjoyed drawing, and in the couple of years after high school I started painting and drawing more, and realized that if I developed my drawing and painting skills, I could make money selling my artwork, because I realized at that stage that, if I want to live on my own, and be able to do anything in my life, I would have to make money. So, at that stage the way I saw myself and my life was that, I have to paint and find a way to sell my paintings so I can make money. Also at this stage I didn't really sing much, and hadn't for some years, and it didn't seem 'important' because I had never considered that I could make money singing - mostly because years ago when I first developed fears and anxieties about singing in front of people, I stopped participating in the singing group, and so was never 'put on the path' of developing my singing, whereas, with most people who become 'successful singers', they start early on and focus a lot of their time on performing and auditioning and starting bands and stuff. Since I experienced fear and anxiety in relation to singing in front of people, I never had any desire to pursue singing when I was young, and mostly just wanted to keep to myself or spend time with my friends. And, I began to develop my drawing skills more and more in elementary school because with drawing, I could do it alone and I didn't experience any fears or anxieties in relation to drawing - which is why later in my life I considered drawing / painting / art as my primary 'skill' that I had, with which I could make money.
In the few years following high school, as I was developing my painting skills in pursuit of money, I also had my 'Spiritual Awakening' experience and started having my whole 'Ascension' experience. Then, in the end of 2007, I discovered the Desteni material and immediately understood the message and the tools of Self Honesty and Self Forgiveness - because in the explanation of what the Mind is and how we create ourselves as patterns of thoughts, feelings, and emotions through our mind starting when we are very young, I immediately saw why it is and how it is I had come to experience thoughts, feelings, and emotions, and - everything changed. As I started applying Self Forgiveness, and considering for the first time in my life, the nature of the extensive mess of abuse we have allowed the world to become through accepting and allowing ourselves to exist in a starting point of separation and self interest, not considering what is best for all Life, not considering ourselves as Life - for the first time in my life I found myself writing songs. I mean, I had always played the piano and enjoyed making music, but had never written any lyrics because - and I was always frustrated by this - I had nothing to express. Because, in my experiences with making music in the past after high school, it had been from the starting point of wanting to make something that people will think is cool, so that I can be part of a group and impress people. But all of a sudden, I was seeing in a way that I had not before. I was seeing how I created myself, I was seeing how we created this world, I was seeing the plight of Life as the suffering and abuse we have allowed to exist - and I was seeing that, it is ME that is suffering, it is Me that is abusing Me. For the first time, I was getting out of my mind and seeing what is actually here in this world, in this reality, and through writing and Self Forgiveness, seeing what exists in my own mind.
Around this time, after I had been walking my process of Self Forgiveness for a few months, I wrote my first song - the Forgiveness Song. And I mean, the song just flowed out of me, and I had never experienced anything like that before. It was like I was pouring Me into the song, that the song was Me. I was, for the first time discovering real Self Expression, where, I was seeing all these things and what I saw just came out of me, just flowed out of me.
That year I visited the Desteni farm for a couple of months, and then the next year returned for another visit. One night Bernard asked me 'what is your natural self expression?', and I asked myself this question for the first time. When I asked myself, I saw that my natural self expression was singing, was using my voice. And, within this I saw that, starting from the point where I had experienced fear with singing in front of people, I had started suppressing my expression with singing, and the suppression later become more and more when I got old enough that my focus was placed on making money, where - I considered everything that I could do from the starting point of 'can I make money with this'? And within this I saw that this is primarily why I had shifted my focus to art / drawing, away from making music / singing, and thus never really developed my expression with singing and music to my fullest. And I saw that I had never really developed my singing ability. Bernard also pointed out an interesting thing, which is that I had a deep voice and should develop it because that is the natural sound of my voice. I had never considered this really, and had when I was experimenting with singing in the period after high school, approached singing from the starting point of copying / emulating 'cool bands', and 'cool singers' that people liked.
So, I started experimenting with my voice more, and while I was at the farm I wrote the World Equality Song. Recording the song was a fascinating experience because, the way the song formed, required me to sing quite loud, without holding back. And, as I was recording I started experiencing nervousness and anxiety when I would get to the parts where I had to sing loudly and fully, where other people would be able to hear me. But, I breathed and pushed through the resistance and suppression that came up, until I broke free and was able to let go and just sing the song. Later, when I was walking a Mind Construct on singing, I uncovered the memory of the event I've already written about here, where I experienced nervousness and anxiety when singing in front of a crowd. Writing the Mind Construct was fascinating because I was seeing all the points where I had accepted and allowed fears of what others might think of me, what if they make fun of me, what if they don't like me - where, as a result of these fears, I had, over a period of years suppressed myself with singing to quite an extensive degree, where, I had never really developed my full expression in using my voice - I always 'kept it safe' when singing, never really going for it, and avoiding having people hear me sing. And in looking back at the Forgiveness Song I could see this - I didn't really know what I could do with my voice and it was more like I was just 'using my voice' - instead of expressing me through and AS my voice - Fully as Me - wherein, my expression was limited because I had limited myself through years of suppression due to fears and anxieties. And within this, I found it very difficult to write songs, where the Forgiveness Song and the World Equality Song seemed like they just 'came to me' by chance, and when I would 'try' and write another song, I would usually become frustrated and experience a 'block', like there's just nothing there.
Later after working through my Mind Construct on singing I saw my frustration with music was manifesting through me seeing music / singing as separate from me still - where, I was 'trying to make music', and 'trying to sing' -- but from the starting point of a desire to sing, a desire to make music. Wherein, I was really saying that music and singing is not me, it is separate from me -it is not here, but is something that I must 'attain to' through 'trying to do it'. Within this, whenever I would sing I would go into this intense emotion of sadness and desire to just 'be able to do this'. But through the Mind Construct I was able to actually see these points for the first time, and apply self forgiveness, so that I 'reached' a point where I basically started over with music - where I let go of 'trying to do it', and let go of the point of 'singing for others' - and started exploring singing for me, exploring my voice, seeing what I can do with my voice, and pushing myself to go beyond resistances and suppressions that would come up, where I would apply self forgiveness and stop myself from going into fears and thoughts about 'what will others think if they hear me', and 'what if I sound bad', and just started going for it and seeing what I can do.
So I spent about a year and a half doing this, just developing my voice, getting to know myself with singing, and a fascinating thing happened, where - as I stopped the 'desire to sing', and brought singing back Here as Me, as Me Expressing Me, I started writing more songs - where, I would see something, realize something, look at something that exists in this world, and I would then place what I see in lyrics, and the lyrics would flow in a certain way that would fit into a song. Or, I would take lyrics that Bernard had written, and, through just playing with the words and my voice, a song would take shape. And, within this there was longer a desire, or a sense of 'I have to do this', or 'I want to be able to do this' - the way I experience music and singing now is really more of a Playing, playing with the sound of the words, the sound of the sentences, the message of the song -- and within this what I've started discovering is that I can do all kinds of things with my voice, I can shape my voice to fit the song in a way that works, through just letting go and playing with the sounds. Which, as I look at it now as I'm writing, is similar to how I experienced singing as a young child, where - I wasn't thinking about other people, I wasn't thinking about 'what is this going to sound like to others', and there wasn't a desire or yearning or any emotional experience -- it's just me playing with myself, expressing myself as singing. I mean, whereas I used to experience singing as this 'complicated challenge', of 'trying to break through and feel satisfied', now it's as simple as - I Am Music, I Am the Song. It's like, when I'm working with a song I move myself as the music, I move, tweak, experiment, play, until I've formed and shaped and placed my expression into a structure as the song. And, the really fun part is pushing myself, moving myself as the song, as my voice, to a point of perfection, where, I don't just 'settle' for something, I keep pushing, keep playing, keep tweaking and shaping the sound until the expression is perfectly structured into the physical as a song - a placement of my expression into and as and through a song using what is here as the physical - my voice, instruments, the computer. Very similar to writing a blog actually - where, here as I'm writing I've been pulling the points out of myself, placing them in words, bringing my past experiences here, bringing my current experience here, and moving myself to place the words in specificity to show, to express Who I am, who I have been, what I've experienced with the point of singing - placing my expression, placing what I see, into and as a physical placement as this blog.
And, It's fascinating because, as I look at the point of Self Expression, the point of playing, pushing, moving myself as the Expression to a point of Self Perfection, to a point of absolute specificity, does not just apply to Music, or to Art, or to things which, in this world are defined as 'creative' things. I mean, creativity, self expression, is not just 'one thing', or 'these things' - It's Who I Am. And, what I've experienced is that, as I've gotten out of my mind, out of the thoughts, the comparisons, the judgments, the definitions, the emotions, the feelings - as I've stopped separating myself from what is here as this world, from what is here to 'do' in this world - I've integrated the point as myself - as a point of Self Expression. Where, whether I am singing, or writing a blog, or making a piece of artwork, or designing a web page, or gardening, or shoveling dirt, or cleaning out the horse's stable, or preparing food, or cleaning my room -- none of those point is any 'more' or 'less' than another in terms of being a point of Self Expression -- within each of those points, I can stand as the point, as a part of me, as part of what is here as this world, as this existence as me, as that which I am responsible for, as that which I affect through who I am and how I live and what I accept and allow, and integrate it as me as a point where I expand my Self Expression to encompass, to include that point. So that, when I am cleaning out the stable for example, I apply the same specificity and self movement to a point of self perfection, where the cleaning of the stable is a placement, an outcome of how I moved myself in self expression.
Within this, in the past what I did was define self expression in separation of ME, into 'activities' that one 'does'. Where, I saw music and singing as 'self expression', and cleaning a stable or shoveling dirt as just 'something I am doing in between the moments where I am expressing myself'. And wherein, within the shoveling of dirt or cleaning of the stable I would tend to rush, or take shortcuts, or want to just 'get it done' because 'I don't like doing this' -- resulting in things like sloppiness or missing certain things because I was too busy in my mind thinking about all the other things I 'want to get back to'. I mean, within this what I was doing was separating myself from what I'm doing, creating a relationship of friction toward everything that I'm doing, wherein, through defining self expression to only 'making music', I then created a positive experience of energy, a feeling as 'I am now expressing myself' when I would be working on music, whereas, when I would be shoveling dirt, or cleaning out a stable, I would then experience that I am 'not expressing myself', and go into a negative experience where I would feel like I am 'missing out on self expression'. But, what I do now is to, when and as I see I have defined a point in separation of myself as a 'doing', as an 'activity' , and see that I am having an experience toward it - either positive or negative -- I realize -- hey, I am not expressing me as this point, I am not Here with myself, with the physical, expressing my as Life within and as all that is here -- and so I stand as the point of shoveling, or cleaning out the stable, and integrate it Here as Me - and expand my Self Expression to include the point -- wherein then I actually enjoy what I'm doing, and push myself to be specific, to be thorough, to get to a point of self perfection within the point -- because it's about me expressing me fully in every moment as Life - encompassing, including, integrating all that is here as Me as Life.
So, it's fascinating because I didn't realize I can apply this until I firstly applied it within making music and singing - where I transformed singing and music from a 'doing' - as something that I did in order to have an experience, to a point of self expression through integrating the point as myself, through bringing music and singing here as Me as Life -- wherein, then I was no longer limited to 'trying to have an experience', because it was just me expressing me. And then I simply started applying this same principle to every point within my world -- and within this, started to expand in my effectiveness and specificity and perfection within everything that I'm doing -- writing, research, chores, music, communication -- because, self expression is not a 'doing' - it's a Living -- it's Me Living Who I Am. And within this what is fascinating is that, the point through which I've been able to expand and develop my self expression, the point through which I've been able to begin actually living and expanding my effectiveness - is the point of standing Here as Life as what is Best for All. Because, in fact all other starting points exist as comparison, desires, definitions based on the world we have all accepted - which is a world where we have defined ourselves through 'doing' - and where what we 'do' is based on 'how I can have an experience' -- and where the experience is always dependent upon external points like money, attention from others, acceptance from others, praise, etc. Wherein, we're not really living anyway. I mean the only way to actually Live, is to Live as Life - that's obvious, and obviously as Life, I Express Me as Life -- I become the voice of Life, I become the Message of Life, I become that which is Relevant to Life. Which, at the moment is to create a world that is best for all, and to within this assist and support myself and all as myself to stop separation, stop self interest -- and thus why, when I write a song, my expression is aligned with what is Relevant, Best for All as Life. And within this, my Self Expression will not forever be aligned with writing songs about what exists in this world, or with walking the practical physical actions of creating a world that is best for all - because, once we're all here as Life Equal and One - then, who knows what we will express, who knows what we will create.
This is why we need an Equal Money system - so that everyone can be Equally Free to discover their Natural Self Expression. Because, what I've seen in walking my application in relation to music and singing and self expression, is that, each of us has like a 'main point' of natural self expression where you are particularly good at something, where - it comes from your very beingness. Wether it's music, or writing, or leadership, or organization, or working with animals, or working with plants, or working with water, or working with designing systems, or working with designing educational material -- there's a specific point where one's Expression as Life can come through and through which one can make the fullest contribution to what is best for all. In the current system what ends up happening is that most of the time, the natural self expression of a being is never realized - because you simply plug into the whole world system of creating relationships and earning money - where everything you do is just an activity of survival. So, it's important within this process to go and have a look at your life and identify the point, or points, that have always kind of 'come naturally' to you, or, even look at your life now if you can't see something from when you were younger, and investigate what you are particularly drawn to, or have a particular ability to be very specific and effective within - and then to take that point and develop it as your self expression. And, within this also making sure that you remove all definitions and ideas of self expression based on a 'doing' to 'have an experience' or to just survive and make money or maintain relationships - so you can get to the real YOU within what is here, and get to know YOU as self expression.