Day 47: Deconstructing my Oneness Experience
In this blog I'm walking my Experience of Oneness.
As I've described in the previous blogs I've walked thus far in relation to my 'spiritual experiences', through my experience of 'spiritual awakening' I had established my idea of myself as an 'ascending being' in a process of 'raising my vibration' to a 'higher reality'.
In my blog deconstructing my 'spiritual awakening', I described how 'oneness' within spirituality, within new age, within 'ascension', was described as the 'oneness' of ourselves as all being 'of god / source / creator / love', and how, through meditating, visualizing, focusing on god / creator / source / love, one will then 'raise' one's vibration -- and that, the experience of 'entering a raised vibration' is characterized by / defined by having feeling experiences / energy experiences of bliss / love / happiness / joy -- wherein, within spirituality and new age and ascension material, these feelings, this energy, was explained as having its source in and of god / creator / source / love, and that in experiencing these experiences, one is 'connecting with' god / creator / source / love, and is thus connecting with the 'oneness' of everything as being of 'god / creator / source / love'.
So, within this, what I myself 'attained' was an experience within which I felt / experienced myself as being 'one with god / creator / source / love', which I felt when I would meditate / pray / think about god / creator / source / love, and especially when I would visualize myself as, and think about myself as a 'lightworker', imagining what I might experience when I ascended into a 'higher reality' to be with 'higher beings' and with 'god' -- feeling my apparent 'oneness with god', within feeling 'bliss / joy / happiness / love / excitement / hope / energy' within myself.
But within this, the interesting thing is that I did not 'feel' or 'experience' myself as being 'one with' anything else around me - other people, animals, plants, rocks, objects, food, etc. I mean, I could walk around 'feeling my oneness with god / creator / source / love', feeling bliss, joy, happiness, hope - all experiences apparently indicating my 'connection with' god / creator / source / love, but when I started trying to 'experience' and 'feel' my 'oneness with' other things here in my reality - I couldn't feel anything.
Because again, the way I experienced 'my oneness' with god / creator / source / love, was as feelings within myself of love, bliss, excitement, hope, happiness - which, within my mind I associated with 'connecting with god / creator / source / love' - because within the spiritual material I read, such feeling experiences were described as being of a 'higher vibration' more 'connected to god / creator / source / love'.
But, when I would touch an animal, or a plant, or a crystal, or a rock, or when I would be walking in nature - I did not 'experience' the animal, or the plant, or the crystal, or the rock, or the nature I was walking in.
What I experienced is that I 'know' that I am 'one with' everything here in my reality, and thus I told myself that 'I should be able to experience my oneness with nature, animals, etc', because, 'I experience my own oneness with god / creator / source / love', and 'since animals and nature also share this oneness with god / creator / source / love', I am 'connected' to animals and nature and thus I should be able to 'experience them'.
But - no matter how much I tried to 'experience' my 'oneness with animals and nature', nothing happened. I would touch a rock and all I would experience is the feeling of my hand on the rock! I would touch a tree and all I would experience is the feeling of my hand touching the tree! And this frustrated me, and I would actually get angry, because I couldn't understand 'why' I couldn't experience 'more' of the rock, of the tree - 'why' all I experienced was this 'limited feeling of touch', within which there was no brilliant, magnificent experience of my 'oneness' with it, as there was within myself when I would meditate and visualize and focus on 'god / creator / source / love' within myself.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that my entire 'oneness' experience I designed as a feeling experience / energy experience through my own mind using knowledge and information / stories / ideas / pictures
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that my 'feeling of oneness' with 'god / creator / source / love' was only me feeling really good about an idea / definition of god / creator / source / love I liked, where believing that there was a 'loving creator god' that I can 'connect with' made me feel better about being here on earth, made me feel happy, excited, joy, bliss, hope -- and since spirituality described such feelings as being 'closer to god / creator', I then felt like 'I am feeling my oneness with god / creator
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I was walking around feeling like am 'one with god / creator / source / love' - I was walking around completely in my own mind experiencing - not god / creator / source / love -- but experiencing only my own idea / definition / belief of god / creator / source / love which I had designed through my mind using knowledge and information that I read on websites / in books which I liked because it gave me hope and made me feel better
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the reason I experienced frustrated with trying to have an 'experience of oneness' with animals and nature, is because I was in complete separation from animals and nature, having defined 'experiencing animals and nature' according to / within my desire / fantasy of experiencing some awesome, magnificent energy / feeling experience, and that thus animals and nature could not 'give me' an experience of 'oneness' because I had not yet designed the specific feeling experience of 'oneness with animals and nature' using knowledge and information, as I had designed my specific feeling experience of 'oneness with god / creator / source / love' using knowledge and information
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I understood nothing of how the physical reality actually functions and what is being experienced by all the countless beings here within and as this physical reality, and thus any 'experience of oneness' I would hope to have with animals / nature would be a feeling / energetic experience I would design within my own mind using ideas, definitions, beliefs, desires, fantasies - and that within having such an experience, I would not be HERE one and equal with the physical reality, experiencing animals and nature as what they in fact are as physical beings, but would be in my mind in my own alternate reality experiencing only my own mind - in separation of what is here as the physical with humans, animals, plants, molecules, atoms, etc
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that in my experience of 'oneness' - I was in no way here in Oneness with all that is here, but was only experiencing my Own / One Mind - projecting my Own / One Mind onto everything here - wherein, I was living a definition of oneness that consisted of only My Experience of feelings / energy
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that, before I 'experienced oneness' as feelings of warmth, bliss, excitement, hope, happiness - I was already here One with everything through and as our shared physicality in and as this physical reality - all made of the same stuff - but that, I did not see this oneness because I had, from a young age already entered the realm of 'only me and my experience' within my Own / One Mind where I had defined 'me' as experiences of feelings, emotions, thoughts, where within spirituality it was simply a matter of 'upgrading' / 'evolving' the ideas / definitions / beliefs / thoughts through which I could make myself feel good / feel more
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to energy experiences of feelings, wherein, if I am just touching what is here physically, I judge it to be 'not enough of an experience', and so must create an elaborate energy experience of feelings using my mind through imagination, creating ideas, visualization, beliefs, etc -- where, using my mind I design an actual drug consisting of beliefs and ideas that I like, which I then use to program my body to generate a feeling experience / drug experience so that I can 'have more of an experience' -- within this separating myself from my physical oneness with all that is here, through judging the physical experience to be 'not enough'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I was experiencing a feeling I called 'oneness', that I was experiencing 'more of myself', and 'more of reality' instead of realizing that I was not experiencing 'more of myself' or 'more of reality', but was only experiencing 'more feelings' that I designed through accumulating and constructing more ideas, beliefs, thoughts, definitions, fantasies, desires within my mind
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that oneness is not a feeling - but is the physical oneness I share with all that is here
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that within my experience of 'oneness' I never once considered what it is to practically live in oneness - where, oneness implies all are me and thus I would live in a way that produces a world / existence that is best for all as me in oneness -- instead of ignoring everything / all that is actually here and focusing only on 'how can I experience more feelings?'
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that all the people experiencing 'oneness' within spirituality, are only focusing on 'how can I experience oneness' and are not standing together as a group that is designing a new world system / money system that is best for all which supports all life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall for the trap of creating myself as an elaborate character with shiny colors and feelings that makes me feel like I am experiencing 'more of myself' and 'more of reality' -- instead of focusing on how to create a physical world that is best for all
I commit myself to show how oneness within spirituality is just a feeling that I create through my mind using ideas and beliefs that make me feel good - and is not producing a world that is best for all
I commit myself to show how oneness is already here as the physical oneness of all - and that to live in oneness as a principle, starts with considering the equality of life within all that is One here in the physical, wherein the practical living of oneness would be to ensure we create a world where All as One in the Physical and Equal as Life, can Live Equally and as One in support
I commit myself to stop participating in fantasies, imagination, and desire to experience a 'feeling experience', and bring myself back here to my physical oneness with All, and stop judging the physical experience as 'not enough'