Day 41: Deconstructing my Zen Lifestyle Part 2
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that, the reason I experienced the clutter, disorganized shelves and closets, and piles of clothes in my room as being of a 'lower vibration' that was 'making me feel frustrated and depressed', was because I had accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity design of positive / negative value judgments placed in physical forms, objects, colors, arrangements according to what was defined and described in spiritual / new age material as that which represented / was associated with a 'lower, limited, physical vibration', and that which represented / was associated with a 'higher, freer, energetic / spiritual' vibration
Thus within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and see that, I was actually blaming the physical objects as being the 'source' of my experience of limitation, frustration, depression, constriction as what I defined as 'lower vibrations', while in fact I was creating my own experience based on my own accepted and allowed judgments of a negative value that I projected onto the physical forms / objects / arrangements / colors that I had, within my mind, associated / connected with an idea of a 'lower, limited vibration'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and see that I actually, through my acceptance of the idea / belief / definition of the physical reality as being of a 'lower, limited vibration' defined by darkness, clutter, messiness, dirt, harsh sounds, and my acceptance of the idea / belief / definition of energy as being of a 'higher vibrational reality that exists outside of the physical reality', defined by light, bright colors, perfect geometry, soothing sounds, that I allowed myself to, within my mind create a relationship between myself and the physical reality based on negative value judgments placed in that which was associated with a 'lower vibration', and positive value judgments placed in that which was associated with a 'higher vibration'
Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and see that my experiences of 'lower vibrations' as emotions, and 'higher vibrations' as nice feelings, in relation to physical objects / things associated with a 'lower vibration', and physical objects / things associated with a 'higher vibration, were experiences of friction of a 'positive' and 'negative' nature of experience, based on my positive and negative value judgments I placed in / projected onto / towards the physical reality
Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and see that in accepting and allowing myself to exist in relationship to / towards the physical reality as 'positive and negative' experiences that I defined as 'higher vibrational and lower vibrational' experiences through positive and negative value judgments placed in / projected onto / towards the physical reality, I was in fact separating myself from what is here, from this physical universe, from the earth, from humanity, from the animal and nature kingdoms, into and as my own mind bubble of 'positive and negative' experience -- without realizing that, the physical reality itself does not exist as 'positive and negative / higher and lower' experiences -- the physical reality is here, constant, stable, with no emotional or feeling experience -- and that it is me that is creating my emotional / feeling experiences through my own accepted and allowed judgments toward the physical reality, wherein I separate myself from the physical through creating relationships of 'positive and negative' through my own mind based on the ideas and definitions within spirituality / new age material that I accepted, because I liked the way it sounded because it gave me an explanation for the world / my experience of my life that I liked
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and see that in judging the clutter in my room to be 'negative', and of a 'lower vibration', I was making the clutter in my room more than what it actually, physically, in fact it - which is the physical in form as the objects in my room, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and see that in judging the 'zen' way of arranging objects in rooms as being 'positive', and of a 'higher vibration', I was making the objects in my room more than what it actually, physically, in fact is - which is the physical in form as the objects in my room - exactly the SAME as the clutter in my room - wherein, the 'zen' objects / arrangements in my room were not 'more than' / 'better than' / 'higher than' 'of more value than' the clutter in my room
Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and see that thus, the 'oneness' described in spirituality / new age material that I read, was just a personal experience of feeling as 'positive energy' associated with pictures, ideas, and beliefs about a 'god / creator / source / love' that exists in a 'higher reality than the physical', that I liked / placed a positive value judgment in, and thus only felt 'oneness' when I was in a 'zen, spiritual environment' because I associated through positive value judgment, those specific objects / arrangements with my idea of god / creator / source / love / higher vibrational realities -- wherein, the specific 'zen / spiritual' environment triggered my own ideas, beliefs, definitions, and judgments in relation to those physical objects / arrangements -- showing that, the 'zen / spiritual' environment itself was not of a 'higher vibration', and had no power to 'raise my vibration', but that I was the one making myself feel like my 'vibration' was raising to a 'higher level' because I judged the 'zen / spiritual' environment to have the power to 'raise my vibration to a higher level' -- just as when I was in an environment of clutter / messiness / dark colors, I was the one making myself feel like my 'vibration' was lowering to a 'lower level' because I judged such an environment to have the power to 'lower my vibration' -- and the whole time, whether I was in either environment, me as my physical body was here the same, with the physical environment I was in -- wherein, me as the physical, and the environment as the physical was exactly the SAME, one and equal as the Physical in stability, constancy - with no feeling or emotion present -- and that, I actually just programmed my physical body to generate experiences of energy as emotions and feelings through my own accepted and allowed knowledge and information, ideas, beliefs, and positive / negative value judgments
Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and see that my experience of 'oneness' and 'higher vibration' in relation to the 'zen / spiritual' environment was in fact based on Separation - wherein I separated myself from the Oneness and Equality of the Physical that gave me life, into and as an alternate mind reality based on experiences of energy generated through positive / negative value judgments -- not realizing that I was never 'ascending into a higher reality' because it was in fact the Physical reality, my Physical Body that was generating my experiences according to how I accepted and allowed myself as MIND / personality to program my Physical through ideas, beliefs, definitions within positive / negative value judgments
Here I'll mention that, when I stopped participating in spirituality and started breathing here with and as the physical, in and with my physical body, and stopped participating in thoughts, judgments and projections within my mind to / toward the physical -- my entire 'ascending being' experience ceased to exist - and I saw that, I had never actually 'gone anywhere', I had never actually 'raised myself to a higher vibration of matter / existence' -- and in fact I had missed out completely on my actual Oneness with and as the Physical, and missed completely the fact that it is energy that I take from the Physical, from the Real Oneness, that I used in the production of ideas, judgments, beliefs, fantasies, within my mind -- wherein, I used energy from the Physical, Real Oneness, to create myself through my mind as a personality defined by positive / negative energy experiences, wherein I existed in a relationship of Separation to / toward the Physical, but at the same time delusionally believing that I was experiencing 'oneness' -- which I then saw, indicates that the very foundation of Spirituality is in fact Separation based on the Self Interest of wanting to create / exist within one's own reality according to what 'I want to experience', without consideration of anything but the 'experience' I can make myself feel -- and why? Because we are afraid of standing Here, One and Equal with what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to create in this world, and taking responsibility in the Physical, within which we are All One and Equal, to stop ignoring / neglecting / hiding from the Physical Manifested Consequences of who we've accepted and allowed ourselves to be as Energy Personalities trying to make ourselves 'More' than the Physical
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and see that, when I styled my environment in alignment with the 'zen, spiritual' style, and then felt like 'now my life is in order, now I am disciplined, now my life has direction', I was actually only making myself FEEL that way because, within my mind I had associated the 'zen / spiritual' environment with discipline, order, directiveness, responsibility, and now, since I lived within the 'zen / spiritual' environment, I associated myself with discipline, order, directiveness, responsibility -- wherein, my definition of discipline, directiveness, order, responsibility was that to live within discipline, directiveness, order, responsibility is to align one's participation in this world with that which is of a 'higher vibration' connected to god / creator / source / love, within the belief that my 'purpose' and 'responsibility' here on earth is to 'raise my vibration' and 'help raise the vibration' of humanity -- wherein, in aligning my physical environment with that which I judged to represent 'purpose' and 'responsibility', I then felt like I am living 'purpose', and 'responsibility'
Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and see that, at the same time I was experiencing myself as having discipline, purpose, responsibility, directiveness within my 'zen / spiritual' environment, I actually had no practical skills to be able to support myself in this world and was still dependent on others to support me with money -- others whose lifestyle / experience of themselves was not in alignment with a 'higher vibration' -- wherein, I was so blinded by my feeling experience / idea of myself as having discipline, purpose, directiveness and responsibility as an 'awakened, ascending being' of a 'higher vibration', that I did not see that that which enabled me to live such a lifestyle and have such an experience, was MONEY - money that I was not making, but that someone else was making through participating in the money system and working a job -- wherein thus the power that enabled me to 'raise my vibration' and experience 'oneness' -- was not god / creator / source / love / energy -- but was MONEY
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and see that, my experience of 'hope' and 'expectation' that 'god / creator / source / the universe' will 'guide me' to an opportunity to make money, was only possible because I already was being supported by another / others with Money, and that it was not god / creator / source / love / the universe / energy / feelings / a zen environment that was supporting me to live, it was in fact Money -- and that if I had no money and was living in a slum starving to death -- I would not have the ability to believe that it is possible to sit and wait in hope and expectation and excitement for 'god / creator / source / love / the universe' to 'guide me' to an opportunity to make money, and for such hopes / expectations to actually 'come true' -- and that, within this world, it is actually the movement of self supported by Money that guides one to opportunities to make more money -- not the movement of self supported by god / creator / source / love / the universe -- as proven by billions of beings existing in poverty, believing in god but never experiencing / receiving any end to their poverty
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a 'minimal, zen environment' with an idea of 'gracefulness' as being 'filled with god / connected to god / being a more advanced soul', and to, within aligning my own living environment with the 'minimal zen' style, then see / define / judge myself as being 'graceful / filled with god / connected to god / being a more advanced soul', and to within this feel superior / more than those with messy, cluttered living spaces, and to present myself with a 'gentle, flowing' way of moving my physical body - not realizing that in this me as my physical body was actually possessed with a self belief / self idea / positive self judgment based on knowledge and information I had accepted, that described / told me that maintaining a zen living environment is connected to / representative of having 'advanced' to a 'higher level' than others, where one is now 'receiving higher energies' from god / creator / source, and is 'more godly' / 'filled with god'
Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and see that, within seeing myself as 'more godly, more graceful, more advanced', I never once considered what it practically implies to live as god on earth - which is to take the responsibility of god, to see, understand, be aware of what all beings here are experiencing, and then, in common sense - to care for all beings, all life, as equal to and one with self -- wherein, one would align one's life with what is best for all, and dedicate self within every moment of breath to walking the practical, physical steps to create a physical world that is best for all beings, all life here in the physical -- and that one as god would have no desire to 'leave this world' into a 'higher reality' - because as god - one would realize there is no 'higher or lower' reality - there is only me here with and as and within what I have created as this existence, and that one would not, as god, walk around feeling 'special', and 'more advanced' because one has created a 'zen style' living environment -- in fact, one would, as god, realize that the only reason one is able to create any kind of living environment in this world, is because one has Money, and one as god would realize and see that half the world is in poverty living in a condition they cannot change, suffering daily with no choice, and no opportunity to grow, expand, discover themselves as Life, and that thus one as god would dedicate one's life to using one's money / time / resources to coming up with a new world system that supports all life, and implementing it through actual, physical means -- and would not exist in hope / faith / waiting for any idea of the afterlife, and would not in any way justify the suffering of another being
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a zen environment with a positive judgment based on an idea / belief that a zen environment is of a 'higher vibration', and to connect a cluttered environment with a negative judgment based on an idea / belief that a cluttered environment is of a 'lower vibration' - instead of realizing that both environment are Equal and the Same in and as the Physical, and that the objects that constitute each environment do not judge each other as being of a 'higher or lower' vibration -- it is me as the human, as the Mind that judges the physical, within having accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from ME as the physical, through the belief that me as energy is 'more than' the physical - instead of realizing that me as energy is only possible through taking energy from the physical to use in the production of self ideas and self beliefs and that thus in creating positive or negative experiences to / toward the physical, I am actually abusing the physical, abusing the earth as the Source of me, for my own self interest of self preoccupation with ideas and beliefs about me as an individual of and as energetic experiences, wherein I am focusing only on my energetic experience and in fact ignoring what is being allowed in the physical, and not taking responsibility to support all Life in and as the physical
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and see that I had allowed myself to be programmed / conditioned to see the 'zen' environment as being more 'pure', and more 'positive' than cluttered environments, and associated with feelings of 'peace', and 'happiness', and 'relaxation', through how the media / books / movies / magazines / websites / advertisements had presented the zen environment, and that the zen environment was just another lifestyle to be maintained / pursued by consumers / people with money in order to make themselves feel something, which is the whole principle of consumerism - you buy because it makes you feel something - which indicates that those who feel good when they maintain a zen living environment are not more 'advanced' than another human, but have merely aligned themselves with products / styles provided by the consumer system and available through money, within having accepted and allowed themselves to exist within the starting point of the 'pursuit of happiness'.
Watch the Century of the Self, The Trap, and Psywar documentaries which explain the capitalists' design and implementation of the 'pursuit of happiness' in the human being through brainwashing based on the accepted and allowed self interest of the human.
I commit myself to stop seeing physical environments as 'more' or 'less' than what they actually are - which is the physical, equal, the same - within realizing that I only experience the physical as being 'more or less than', through connecting positive or negative value judgment with particular physical environments
I commit myself to bring about a world where the only physical environment experienced by beings is one of support for them to develop, expand, grow, explore themselves as Life
I commit myself to show how all the feelings / experiences one has within spirituality / zen living are in fact self deception based on judgments projected onto / towards the physical, and how spiritual / zen people are not more 'advanced' than a human that lives in a cluttered environment -- as no spiritual / zen person has ever come up with a solution to end suffering in this world and stop the abusive capitalist world system that abuses life for profit, but only occupies themselves within their own lifestyle within feelings of 'peace', and 'calm', and 'enlightenment' while not taking any actual action to bring about a world of actual peace where conflict / abuse / exploitation / neglect of another human, animal, or plant in the name of self interest / profit / belief / justification is no longer allowed
I commit myself to stop blaming the physical reality for how I experience myself, in realizing that I am the one who determines how I experience myself - and I am the one that will determine whether I will experience myself as the illusion of positive / negative experiences based on accepted and allowed judgments, or whether I will be Here with the Physical in every moment of Breath, within the Real experience of physical touch
I commit myself to stop all positive and negative value judgments toward / about the physical, and to walk in humbleness as a simple breath, getting to know and understand what exists here in and as this physical reality, realizing this physical reality / earth gave me life and I must honor the earth / the physical's unconditional giving of support, in taking responsibility to ensure that all beings on earth equally receive the unconditional support provided by the Earth / the physical