Day 40: Deconstructing my Zen Lifestyle Part 1
In my previous post I described how, in my experience of 'spiritual awakening', I started to see the world, see existence, and see myself in relation to the world and existence, in terms of there being a 'higher reality' which is heaven / non physical dimensions / realities, and a 'lower reality', which is the physical world / earth. In spirituality / ascension material this is also described as 'low density', and 'high density'. Within this, Earth, as the 'lower' reality of physicality, is the place where beings are still 'learning' to remember that who they really are is actually of god / creator / source, which is a 'higher vibration' experienced as light, love, bliss, joy, happiness, freedom, instant manifestation of desires - while the Earth / physicality as the 'lower vibration' is experienced as conflict, limitation, struggle, confusion.
Within this 'existential scheme of things', I saw myself as an 'ascending being' - one who has experienced a 'spiritual awakening' and 'remembered' that they 'chose' to come 'down here' to Earth to experience enough confusion, struggle, and difficulty to finally 'question' this world, wherein, the questioning will lead one to 'remember' that within all the struggle and difficulty and confusion on Earth, who we really are is actually of god / creator / source / love. And within this, one then embarks on the process of 'raising one's vibration' through practicing meditation, visualization, chanting, prayer, asking to be filled with light, filled with love, and sending / spreading this light and love through visualization and sharing the message that 'we are all one as love / god / creator / source'. Through this process of 'raising one's vibration', one will then manifest one's self gradually into a higher and higher, lighter and lighter 'density' / 'dimension' of existence, eventually becoming completely non-physical and entering the higher dimensions where one will be learning 'higher lessons' on the journey to eventually achieving the 'highest vibration' of becoming completely one with god / creator / source. And this is seen as the eventual destination for all beings, as they walk the path they have 'chosen', wherein, no matter what is experienced by a being on Earth, it is always their 'highest choice' designed to 'guide them to spiritual awakening' and the eventual process of 'ascension'.
Further within this 'existential scheme of things', the Earth is seen as a place filled with pursuits of a 'lower vibration', based on defining one's self through 'lower vibrations' one is 'lost in' like greed, the valuing material possessions, and violence. Wherein, such 'lower vibrations' are based in seeing one's self as separate from everything and has not 'remembered' that one is of god / creator / source / love and thus becomes 'trapped' in looking for purpose in 'worldly things' and will for instance harm others and become addicted to experiencing 'lower energies' like lust, jealousy, anger, power, etc, because one has not 'remembered' that everything and everyone really is of love / god / creator / source.
So, within this context of me seeing myself as an 'ascending being' in a process of 'raising my vibration' within an existence of 'higher and lower' vibrations representing 'higher and lower dimensions / realities', I started to visit many spiritual and new age shops, discovering that there was a whole world, a whole 'way of life' maintained by 'awakened ones', dedicated to supporting the 'awakened' in 'raising their vibration'.
Now, the 'higher realities' of a 'higher vibration' were also depicted and described in great detail within the books and websites pertaining to spirituality and ascension. The 'higher realities' were a place filled with bright colors and glowing light, crystals, stars, perfect, symmetrical geometrical formations, and soothing sounds. And, in the spiritual shops I visited I found an atmosphere of bright colors, glowing lights, crystals, stars, soothing music, and perfect geometrical formations in the architecture, arrangements of interiors, and in artwork and objects depicting shapes and colors that were associated with god / creator / source / ascension / love meant to be focused on in meditation. And the people who worked there wore clothes with bright colors or earth tones, similar in style to the pictures I saw in websites of paintings depicting ascended masters, angels, gurus.
As I started to spend more time in these shops, and on websites seeing pictures of spiritual communities and retreat centers, temples, and sacred sites, I more and more started to relate myself to the way those places looked - clean, tidy, filled with only spiritually related objects like crystals, prayer mats, soothing lights, and colors of white, cream, gold, blue, violet, green, yellow, pink. Before I was exposed to this style of living and decorating, I had always been very unorganized and messy, leaving papers, trash, and all kinds of other things piled in my room. And, in high school I had styled myself in a very 'dark', kind of 'goth' way, wearing dark clothes, listening to music associated with anger and violence - because, as I explained in my previous post deconstructing my 'spiritual awakening', I had been depressed, angry, frustrated with school and so I related to the style / social group defined by those emotional experiences. But now, 'everything was different' - because, I no longer associated myself with 'dark emotions' like anger, depression, confusion - because, now I had 'remembered' that who I 'really am' is of the 'light', is of 'love', is of 'god / creator / source / heaven' - and every time I would walk into a spiritual / new age shop, or meditation center, or spiritual clothing shop - I would 'feel at home', because in being surrounded by objects, colors, shapes and styles that were associated with depictions of the 'higher realities of god / creator / source / love', I was surrounded with the symbols that represented my 'ascension into a higher vibration', and thus when I would be surrounded by such objects, colors, shapes, and styles, I would feel like my 'vibration is raising', and that I am 'moving further into a higher reality', away from the 'lower' energies / styles that represented the 'lower vibrations' of those who have not remembered that who they 'really are' is of god / creator / source / love.
The 'spiritual and new age style' also included the 'zen' style of eastern spirituality, and I liked the 'zen' style because it was very refined, disciplined, and perfect in its maintenance of a simple, clutter-free, way of living and decorating.
Now, whenever I would walk into my room which was filled with clutter, trash, disorganized shelves and closets, and piles of clothes, I would feel depressed and frustrated, and perceived that the way my room looked and was kept, was of a 'lower vibration' that was 'bringing my vibration down'. Every time I would see all the stuff in my room, I would experience it as my past of confusion / depression / anger being 'connected to me' like a burden. And within this I experienced an anxiety and urgency of 'I must change this, I must simplify my life, I must become organized!' So, I went through a stage where I then got rid of almost all the stuff I owned, until I was left with only the few objects, clothes, and furniture which was aligned with the 'spiritual / new age / zen' style. Now when I walked into my room, I felt free, I felt happy, I felt peaceful, I felt like now I am in a place that supports me in my mission as an 'awakened, ascending being'. I felt lighter and more graceful in my room, and started to spend more time meditating and praying in my room which I now experienced as being my own 'temple' where I could focus on carrying out my mission of raising my vibration and sending love and light out into the world through meditation and visualization. Interestingly, now that I had my own spiritual, zen temple, when I would go out into the city to work or to shop or run errands, I felt more graceful, more peaceful, and more comfortable speaking to others about spirituality, because I also felt more authoritative and mature and disciplined, now that I maintained a perfect, zen living space. I felt like I was now fulfilling my 'purpose' on earth as an 'awakened, advanced soul' here to show others how to live within a 'higher vibration' closer to god / creator / source / love.
Whereas before my 'spiritual awakening' and 'zen, spiritual lifestyle', I felt undisciplined, inferior, and like I had no direction in my life, constantly trying to decide what to do, now I felt disciplined, superior to those who were occupied with 'worldly pursuits', and 'at peace' because I had now set up my lifestyle to support me in my mission as an 'awakened, advanced soul' here for my process of 'ascension'.
Within this however, I still lived in my parents house, and was supported by them with most of my basic needs, and did not have sufficient income at my job to live on my own. But, whereas before my 'spiritual awakening and zen lifestyle transformation', I felt frustrated and limited by living at home and not having enough income to support myself yet, and was constantly wondering how I was going to eventually make money --- now I felt at peace, and excited, and hopeful when looking at my future with money, because I experienced that, now that I have aligned myself with the 'higher vibrations of god / creator / source / love', and since I had perceived my 'spiritual awakening' to have been an experience I was 'guided to' by my 'higher self / god creator / source', everything in my life would 'fall into place', and 'be given to me / sent to me' by the 'universe / god / creator / source'. I experienced that it was 'only a matter of time' before the opportunity opened up for me to connect with a person, or a group, that would facilitate sufficient income to support myself to walk my 'spiritual mission'.
Another important point to bring in here, is how within the spirituality and new age material I studied, the point of 'oneness' was depicted as a 'higher vibrational energetic experience' that one has wherein, the 'oneness' that is shared by beings, is the 'oneness' in being of god / creator / source / love, and that, though we appeared to be 'separate' here on earth in the physical reality, who we really are as 'higher energetic beings', is 'all one'. Within this, when I got rid of most of my stuff and restructured my living space in alignment with the imagery, colors, styles, objects associated with a 'higher vibration', I also then felt more 'at one', more 'connected to our higher oneness as being of god / creator / source / love', because I perceived and experienced that now I am 'more free of lower, physical attachments', and more 'connected with the higher vibrations that we are all one within'.
To be continued in Part 2