Day 39: Deconstructing my Spiritual Awakening
Many may wonder what exactly a 'spiritual awakening' is. Well, lucky for you I have first hand experience. My 'awakening' had its beginnings in my earlier years in school, where I developed emotional patterns of anger, frustration, depression, confusion, as reactions to situations I had difficulty understanding - bullies, rules, restrictions, not fitting in with social groups. And later as I experienced a struggle to earn money to do the things I wanted to do and couldn't understand why I found it so hard to live in this world while it seemed so easy for everyone else.
About a year after high school ended, was when I saw the blue light / UFO outside my house - my first UFO experience. And, as I explained in my previous post about my UFO experience, this event I experienced as validation of my idea about myself that I was 'from another world', and 'destined to experience myself being free from this world', which were ideas I formed as a way to try and feel better about not fitting in / not liking being in this world.
Well, after I experienced this 'UFO event' I went and started reading more about UFOs on the internet, and within this I started finding websites talking about 'spiritual awakenings'. The 'awakenings' I read about, described experiencing a time in one's life in which emotions, struggles, difficulties, confusion would start to become more prominent, and that the reason for this is because, since one has now advanced to a high enough level of development / learning as a soul, it is 'time' for these experiences to come to the surface and be released through the process of spiritual awakening - where, the 'awakening' is the remembering that who we really are is not these difficult, confusing experiences, because who we really are is not this physical world, not a physical body - but is a higher being who's home is higher realms of love, energy, light, freedom, that simply chose to 'come down here' to earth to a 'lower vibration' of existence to learn certain lessons and have certain experiences - experiences like frustration, anger, confusion, sadness, depression, conflict, etc -- so that one could 'get these lower vibrations' out of one's system, so to speak, and be free of them, so that one could then advance to a higher plane of reality to learn higher lessons with the eventual destination being that of becoming completely one with god / creator / source. This process was also described as 'Ascension' -- wherein, one didn't even have to die in order to advance to a higher reality of pure energy -- one could, through spiritual practice and meditation, ascend directly into a higher, lighter vibration and eventually be free of one's physical body and the physical world, without even dying.
As I first read this, I felt a surge of relief, joy, happiness, and started crying, within myself saying 'finally, it all makes sense'. And as I was finding more websites explaining the process of spiritual awakening, I perceived that a higher force / power was at work, sending me these websites, guiding me to read certain things, and within this I experienced a comfort in now knowing that the universe / god / creator / my higher self has a plan, and all I need to do now is just go with the flow and look for the signs / guidance I am being sent. My perception of myself changed, in that, whereas before this 'awakening' I experienced myself in confusion, frustration, and limitation, not understanding why I was experiencing unpleasant emotional experiences and why I had not fit in with everyone else, I now experienced myself as an 'old, advanced soul', who has come far and learned many lessons, and is now on my way to being free of everything unpleasant -- because I am beginning my journey of Ascension to a higher reality of fun, light, love, and bliss. Whereas before this 'awakening', my future looked uncertain and I experienced difficulty committing to anything because I figured if I'm just going to die, then what's the point, now I saw the future with excitement and hope, imagining myself finally being free of the physical world, free of trying to fit in, free of having to make money at a job, free to fly around and enjoy myself in a reality in which I experienced only joy, love, bliss and fun. Also, whereas before my 'awakening' I felt unimportant, now I felt a great importance to myself and my life, because I was here to ascend in my journey to god / creator / source, and along the way it would now be my divine mission to spread the message that we are in a time of awakening, and that we must all realize that we are one through god / creator / source, and that in realizing this we can be free of struggle and live as one in a higher vibration / reality.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the reason I defined my emotions like anger, frustration, depression as 'lower vibrations' and my feelings like happiness, excitement, joy, hope, as 'higher vibrations', was because I accepted the stories I read in spirituality / ascension websites and books, which described the existence of 'higher realities / dimensions', and 'lower realities / dimensions'. Wherein, Earth, the physical, was part of the 'lower, denser' vibrations of existence where beings came to learn about and experience suffering, struggle, conflict - and wherein 'heaven', or the 'non physical reality' was of a 'higher vibration' where beings learned about 'higher lessons' and experienced more love, joy, ease, happiness, freedom, fun. And wherein, the 'highest' realities / dimensions were those closest to being completely one with 'god / creator / source' which was described as pure love, and that the purpose of our existence is to advance through the 'levels of existence / vibrations' to finally be reunited with / become one with god / creator / source
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I read this, and experienced that now everything 'made sense', in terms of why I experienced emotions like anger, frustration, depression, that I had not actually investigated each emotional pattern - each point of anger, frustration, depression - and seen where and when and how it originated within my life, but that I simply accepted an explanation / story that I liked, because I liked the idea that my emotions were part of my journey of learning to exist in a higher vibrational experience of love / bliss / joy on my way to a higher reality to become one with god / creator / source
Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and see that my emotions in relation to other people were actually based on reactions as judgments of a 'negative value', that I placed in people's behavior that I encountered throughout my life starting at a young age, and that the reason I reacted and judged people's behavior was because I did not understand their behavior and within this lack of understanding, developed patterns of frustration, depression, fear, anxiety, anger, which I then blamed on people / people's behavior / society
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and see that my emotions in relation to the world system / money / jobs / careers / school, were actually based on reactions as judgments of a negative value that I placed in the world / system / money / jobs / careers / school - wherein, throughout my life when I did not understand how something works and how to be effective I reacted and formed ideas and beliefs and judgments about myself as being inferior / powerless / limited, which I then blamed on the world / system / jobs / money / careers / school
Within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that, had I been in a position where I had been effectively trained from a young age in the skills to become successful in society / money / school / careers, I would not have viewed my future with an experience of 'pointlessness', because I would have had the skills to make money to do what I want in this world -- within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I, in reading about spiritual awakenings and ascension to a 'higher reality', now experienced myself as happy / excited when thinking about my future, and experienced that 'now I have a purpose' -- all I had done was replace the certainty of happiness through having money to do what I want - a certainty which I would have had if I had been successful with money, with the certainty of happiness through entering a fun world after death / through ascension where I can then do what I want
Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and see that, whereas I had before felt unimportant / powerless because I was not successful with money and fitting into society, I now felt important / powerful because I defined myself through the stories I read in spirituality and ascension websites, as an 'older, more advanced soul' -- wherein, I now felt superior to even those who were successful with money and with fitting into society, because I related to the explanation that as an 'older more advanced soul', I had 'chosen' all the experiences of powerlessness / anger / frustration to help guide me to question my life and through this remember / realize that 'who I really am' is of a higher vibration of love / god / creator / source, and wherein, I now felt like I have a purpose because I related to the explanation that, I found the websites / books about ascension / spiritual awakening because I was being 'guided' to this material by my 'higher self / god / creator / source', because I was now 'ready' to begin my journey of ascension as 'raising my vibration' to 'higher experiences' of love, bliss, happiness, joy, excitement
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that, I in fact was not 'more advanced' than any other human, as I in fact had no insight, no understanding of how to in fact support all life on earth effectively and eliminate poverty, starvation and war -- and in fact, I actually accepted such problems within believing the explanation within spirituality / ascension websites and books that, the 'reason' such things existed was because the beings experiencing such things were 'learning' lessons of a 'lower vibration' that they had 'chosen' to learn, as part of their 'journey to advancing to a higher level wherein they would then experience a spiritual awakening and realize that they are of god / creator / source / love' -- thus I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that within my idea of myself as 'an older, advanced soul', I accepted and allowed poverty, starvation, war, suffering to exist, as I actually required such things to exist as the 'lower vibrations', in order for me to experience myself in a 'higher vibration'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I had been born into a world that is best for all - in which all beings value each other as equals as life, and physically set up their participation in this life around the point of giving to each other the support everyone needs to develop fully as an expression of life, then I would not have encountered a world in which people are in conflict with each other through conflict of self interest / belief systems / values, and would have not experienced a struggle with money / success, because I would have been born into a world where I was valued as life - not according to my ability to make money, and thus would not have had to try and learn how to be successful, because I would have been learning how the world works and what I am good at, and would have been supported in contributing to this world and expressing myself fully, and thus would not experience the desire to escape this world into a 'higher vibration'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that freedom from unpleasant emotional experiences comes through focusing on feeling good and imagining myself existing in a non physical reality / experience after death, instead of realizing that in looking for a way out of my emotional experiences through 'good feelings' - I am actually accepting the energetic polarity of 'emotion / feeling', 'negative / positive' to exist in me -- and I am not actually removing the emotional experience, but am actually suppressing it through controlling it using techniques / methods / practices of spirituality wherein I focus on ideas / fantasies / beliefs / thoughts about the afterlife, god / creator / source, heaven, and ideas / fantasies / beliefs / thoughts about myself as an 'advanced, old soul', and ideas / fantasies / beliefs / thoughts about myself as an 'awakened being', generating experiences of excitement and happiness in myself through focusing on ideas about myself that I like -- and within this accepting and allowing emotional experiences like anger, frustration, depression to exist within myself and humanity so that I can have the experience of 'raising my vibration' into nice feelings as the polarity energetic opposite of the 'lower vibrations' as emotions
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the existence of an unequal, abusive money system where one has to struggle to earn money to survive, in accepting the idea / story / belief that suffering and struggle is the 'higher choice' of beings, as part of their individual path to 'spiritual awakening' and 'raising their vibration'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within reading about 'spiritual awakening' and 'ascension', not realize and see that I never once placed myself in the shoes of another being in this world who is suffering far worse than I did in my life, and ask myself if it makes sense to allow suffering in the name of an idea that it is the being's 'higher choice' to suffer - especially when for example, poverty and starvation can be ended if we all have equal money -- and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question the fact that spirituality and ascension would allow such horrific atrocities of suffering and abuse that exist in this world, to go on while not presenting any practical solution and actually encouraging people to imagine the afterlife and not focus on what is going on in this world, while at the same time spiritual people present themselves as 'love' and 'goodness', and 'more advanced, old souls' -- I mean, wouldn't an 'old, advanced soul' have developed the integrity to stand here on earth and take responsibility to create a world on earth that is best for all life? Wouldn't an 'old, advanced soul' have developed the patience to walk with all Life here on earth as an Equal, and come to a solution that will equalize the support that is distributed to beings on Earth? Why would an 'old, advanced soul', judge the earth as being 'lower', and try to 'ascend' into a 'higher reality'?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in accepting the story of 'spiritual awakening and ascension' as the 'reason' suffering existed in my life, and in the world, I sabotaged my opportunity to move myself as a physical being in investigating practical solutions to the suffering and abuse on earth, because I accepted the pattern existent within and accepted by humanity as a whole, of focusing on an idea and belief about the afterlife according to what I want to experience, or was conditioned to believe I should experience, that then becomes my motivation to accept my life and the world as it is and just keep participating in a lifestyle based around my idea about the afterlife, waiting for my death -- whereas, I should have been moving myself to produce a world that is best for all, with my motivation being the realization that billions of beings are in pain right now, and have no solution - and that if I were in their place, I would not like to be in this world
I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself and humanity to exist within the starting point of desiring to find 'success' in the world - as defined by achieving a status in money or energy that is 'superior' to another -- and to focus on investigating how we can develop a new world system that will support all life equally to ensure that it is Life, not self interest, that is supported to succeed in this world
I commit myself to show that emotions are not 'lower', and feelings are not 'higher', as both emotions and feelings are patterns based on ideas / beliefs / judgments of either a 'positive value', or 'negative value', and that thus spirituality promotes self separation through judgment of positive / negative, instead of promoting equality and oneness where one stands one and equal with one's emotions and feelings, and removes them entirely to ensure that one stands, moves, directs oneself one and equal as life according to what is best for all life, instead of being directed by experiences of positive and negative which always compromise the being's ability to act in a way that is best for all - as the being will be blinded by the fear of the negative, and desire for the positive - blinded by experience, instead of seeing directly here, moving directly here, living directly here, in a way that is best for all, in every moment
I commit myself to test my idea of myself as an 'advanced, older soul', by taking a moment to ask myself why I am trying to get away from earth / the system to go live in heaven with god, while leaving behind billions of suffering beings enslaved within a money system that does not care about life -- because, if I am trying to escape in an idea of a fun afterlife instead of focusing on what is best for all life on earth, then that means 'advanced, old souls' are actually advancing into delusion, self dishonesty, separation, self interest, instead of advancing into responsibility, integrity, maturity, care for all life, common sense, self honesty
I commit myself to stop separating myself and the world into ideas of 'higher', and 'lower' vibrations, in realizing this is just a projection within my own mind, as both my experience of 'higher', and 'lower' vibrations, as feelings and emotions, are generated Equally and the Same by my physical body, and whether I am experiencing 'higher or 'lower' / 'feeling or emotion' -- my physical body, the physical universe / earth is stable, constant, the SAME in every moment, which shows that me as energy of 'higher and lower' is actually just a limited system of self-preoccupation within judgments of positive and negative, creating positive and negative experiences within myself, while missing out completely on the actual reality that is here, within which I / we have a responsibility to support each other, support the earth - support life, a responsibility we are ignoring / denying in our pursuit of an escape from what we have allowed in the physical / on earth, within mental delusions of going to a 'higher reality' as some grand and glamourous 'ascending being'
I commit myself to descend back to the physical Earth reality and Awaken to the plight of Life that goes on daily, in every moment, and align myself with a truly Awakened way of living which is to move myself physically to produce a world that is best for all
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