Day 37: I don't fit in, am I an Alien?
So here I'm deconstructing another dimension of my experience with seeing the 'blue light' flashing across the sky.
In the previous post I uncovered how even before I saw the blue light, I had already spent hours programming myself with an experience of fascination, wonder, awe, excitement as I read stories about UFOs and unexplained phenomena -- phenomena which already existed in my mind as specific pictures and fantasies I had already connected with an experience of fascination, wonder, awe, excitement. Wherein, seeing the 'blue light' then merely acted as a trigger point - a stimulus point - which activated a pre-existing pattern of experience.
I also looked at how, through reading stories / websites I had programmed UFOs as a symbol that represented change, and the 'advancement' of humanity - and showed how this was merely an idea / belief that I liked, and how through such ideas and beliefs I in fact separated myself from the actual responsibility involved with coming to practical solutions for the Earth, here in the physical, and how UFOs and unexplained phenomena are irrelevant to the taking of responsibility by us Humans to support Life on Earth - a responsibility that has priority over any experience one may desire to have in relation to unexplained phenomena / UFOs.
The dimension I'm looking at now is how seeing the blue light actually served to validate / confirm / prove the idea / belief I had about myself that I was 'special', that I had a 'special purpose in this life' - that I would find my 'place' in this world, but it would not be among the 'normal' people, doing the 'normal' things everyone else was doing.
From an early age I had been told I was 'special', 'gifted', 'talented', in relation to my abilities with drawing, singing, music - and I had even been told the meaning of my name is 'a gift from god'. I remember liking this idea that I am a 'gift from god'.
I did well in elementary school but when I got to middle school, I started encountering rules, restrictions, and demands that I had not faced before. Since I had always been encouraged by my parents to do what I love doing, and since elementary school had been easy for me - I had not expected to have to deal with so many rules, demands, and restrictions on my behavior as I encountered in middle school, and started hating school. Another thing that was different about middle school was that all of a sudden I was encountering people that for no apparent reason, didn't like me and would make fun of me, and started seeing myself as an outsider, and felt like I was less than everyone else because less people liked me than they did other people. I started developing extensive anger after I had a couple of scuffles / fights, and just wished that I did not have to go to school and deal with the other kids and the teachers.
I experienced school as being extremely unfair.
At some point near the end of middle school I started experiencing myself as being just 'not of this world' - like, 'there has to be another place where I fit in'. I started reading books about UFOs and deep space, looking at the pictures and imagining that I was from a distant planet and that my real home was 'out there somewhere'. I started thinking that maybe I actually am from a different planet and that I will remember it some day.
In high school, I had all the same experiences of 'unfairness', and my anger and frustration with school and with trying to fit in with the other people became more extensive. I struggled with grades and homework and did not do very well academically. Because I struggled with grades I felt inferior to everyone else, but also saw myself as more than everyone else because I wanted to be 'free of all the rules and limitations' of school while everyone else just accepted and followed the rules. I felt like there has to be a way to get everyone to see that I am not inferior, that I am special and worthy of being accepted and valued and liked, and that even though I am getting bad grades, I am still smart.
And then, about a year after high school ended, I saw the blue light / UFO flash across the sky. In the moments after I saw the blue light, my whole world seemed to change, I felt ecstatic, relieved, amazed, overjoyed - because here was the proof that I am indeed 'not of this world', and felt like I had just been contacted by my 'real family'. I also now felt like I was part of something more than, greater than what the average person perceived the world to be, and in seeing the blue light it was like I finally understood why I had felt out of place, inferior, and limited by the 'normal rules of school and society'. In seeing the blue light, all of a sudden the world made sense to me, and I felt like I have found my place - and my place is with UFOs / aliens.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as special when I saw the blue light / UFO, instead of realizing that - I had no special value as being 'more than' anyone else, but had programmed myself with the idea that I am special / more than everyone else, to make myself feel better when I experienced inferiority / not fitting in / not being accepted in school, and the specific nature of my idea of myself as 'special', was that I was connected in some way to UFOs and aliens, because I had read such stories and liked the idea of being from a different planet, because it seemed to 'explain' why I didn't fit in
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the reason I experienced ecstasy / joy / relief when I saw the blue light / UFO, was because I had spent spent years imagining that the reason I didn't fit in in school, and the reason I experienced frustration with the rules and restrictions and demands of school and grades, and the rules, restrictions and demands of social groups, was because I was from a different planet and that my 'real friends', and 'real family' was out there waiting for me somewhere -- and thus when I saw the blue light / UFO - I experienced it as confirmation that these ideas were real, and that I in fact was from a different planet and thus immediately felt better about myself because now it 'made sense' why I had not fit in and had been frustrated with school / social groups
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the reason I felt like 'I am part of something greater than the average person' when I saw the blue light / UFO, was because I had spent years being frustrated and feeling inferior to those who did well in school and were accepted by a social group, and had desired to show everyone / prove to everyone that I was not inferior, that I was of value, that I was important and significant -- and thus in seeing the blue light / UFO I experienced it as confirmation / validation of my feeling that I am worthy / of value / significant -- and that if people would now understand that I have seen a UFO - then they will acknowledge that I am significant / worthy / special / of value
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when and as I saw the blue light / UFO, accept the experiences that arose within me -- without actually realizing that I had created / programmed my experience through years of fantasizing about / imagining seeing a UFO
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I had actually accepted the value systems of the social groups that I was rejected from in school, which is why when I was rejected - I felt bad / felt inferior / took it personally, and that to try and make up for this rejection / inferiority, I then imagined myself as being part of something greater than / more than what everyone else was experiencing in their lives in the hope that I could one day 'show them' that I was worthy of acceptance - wherein, I defined UFOs and aliens as being part of something 'better than / greater than' the 'normal world' everyone was experiencing -- and thus why, when I saw the blue light / UFO, I experienced it as validation / confirmation that I am indeed part of something 'greater than / more than' what everyone else is experiencing
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I had designed my experience with UFOs around the desire to fit in / be accepted, and that thus when I saw the blue light / UFO I felt like I now have a place to fit in
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the reason we as humanity have created 'social groups' within which people are either accepted or rejected based on value placed in criteria like style, musical taste, humor, academic performance, vocabulary, physical appearance, is because we have separated ourselves from the value of Life as Ourselves -- wherein, we don't each see / accept ourselves as Life - and thus don't each see / accept each other as Equals as Life -- but have defined who we are through personality based on judgments, opinions, beliefs, preferences, styles, through which we relate to each other or reject each other depending on whether someone shares our particular personality traits as judgments, opinions, beliefs, preferences, styles -- wherein, the purpose of 'social groups' is to find people who share our personality traits so that we can feel like our own personality is valid / worthy / real - so we can feel like we have a purpose -- while the whole time we are missing the Reality of Life that is here, Equal and One in All, and the Purpose of Life which is to Support each other as Life in creating a world that is Best for All as ourselves as Life
Thus I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I had designed my experience of 'fitting in' with UFOs / aliens, from the same starting point as those in other social groups who feel like they 'fit in' because they share similar personality traits / opinions / judgments / preferences / styles with others
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that, in seeing a blue light / UFO and feeling like I am part of something 'greater than' what everyone else is experiencing -- I was in fact not part of something 'greater than' what everyone else is experiencing, because I was Equal to everyone else in not considering the value of Life - not seeing myself as Life - not considering what is best for all Life - not realizing the Purpose of Life as doing what is Best for All Life -- I was only considering myself in how to feel like I am not inferior to everyone else and feel like I have a purpose through finding someone / something that validates my personality / definition of myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I was told as a child that I was special, believe what I was told and define myself / judge myself to be special / more than other people
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the reason school has so many rules and restrictions is because in the current world system the education system is designed to train people to become effective consumers / money makers, not to support people to discover what they are actually good at, how things work, and how to live an effective life in contribution to what is best for all Life
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the reason I experienced school as limiting / constricting, was not because I am 'special', or that I am from a different planet, but is because I did not understand the nature of the system as a profit making system in which the human is trained as a consumer to participate in the profit making system to survive, and had believed I had been brought into a world where I will be supported to do what I want to do and thus did not see that my belief about the world was not actually how the world worked
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that looking for a way out of the rules and restrictions of the world system within fantasies about being taken away to another planet, is not the solution to my experience of limitation / restriction within the current system, but rather the solution is to stand here on Earth in the Physical, remove from myself all values based on self interest, and align myself with practical investigation of what is Best for All Life on Earth so I can then show how we can transform the world / our relationships with each other and the Earth from that of self interest / profit making with limitation and restriction for all those who do not have money, to that of a supportive world for All through each one Standing as Life and Giving the Best to each other as Life
I commit myself to show how the UFO community is just another social group through which people find a way to relate to each other and feel like they have a purpose, while ignoring what is relevant which is to Value Life and do what is Best for All Life
I commit myself to show how even those who tell stories of how they were taken on board spaceships and communed with higher beings of light and love -- are not special and are of no more value than anyone else, as no person that claims to have been taken on board a spaceship has presented any practical solution to bring about a world that supports life, but can only talk about their UFO experience and attract followers who like the idea of being taken on board a spaceship
I commit myself to show how the solution to experiences of rejection / inferiority in relation to social groups, is not to come up with ideas and beliefs about self to try and make self feel superior / worthy / of value, but to not take such rejection personally, in realizing that such rejection has nothing to do with self, but is based on the values social groups have placed in particular styles / preferences / ideas / beliefs / opinions, and that the solution to experiences of rejection / inferiority is to walk a process of writing, self honesty, and self forgiveness to go back and identify when / where / why self took rejection personally, and through self forgiveness release self from all values / self definitions / self beliefs / personalities based on separation from the Actual Value in existence which is Life, and to align Self's values with what is Best for All Life, with how to create a world that supports All Life as Equals, so that one can stand as an example of how to take Self Responsibility to stop participating in illusionary values based on Separation from the Value of Life, so that one can Walk / Live the actual Purpose of Life which is to support each other as Life -- in realizing that, when each Stand up and take self responsibility to align themselves with the Value of Life, and to Stand as Life -- then we give ourselves as humanity the ability to create Heaven on Earth for All, and can stop fueling an abusive world system based on using / abusing the Earth to try and survive as social groups / values / relationships based on separation from Life