Day 10: Relationship Failures: Sex as Inner Conflict and Suppression
|Art by Andrew Gable|
In my past relationships one of the primary points that led to the failure of the relationship was sex. Now, it was never sex itself that was the problem. It was the particular nature / definitions of sex I had accepted as myself, and tried to live / make real through the actual physical act of sex. When you look at the physical act of sex - it's a physical situation you are in - it's 2 (or more) physical human bodies coming together through touch. Now, this takes place in a single reality - the physical reality. And so, it makes sense that the beings who are having sex, should be fully Here, expressing themselves together physically. And yet, what do we all experience? Pictures, desires, fantasies, memories, ideas, expectations, judgments within our minds both as we walk our days within the non-sexual things we are doing, and AS we are having sex. And, where have these pictures, ideas, expectations, judgments, fantasies come from? If we trace them back, we can see we accumulated them through years spent seeing 'examples' of sex in movies, TV, hearing stories, watching porn, etc. Before we ever even had sex we already had built an idea of what sex is, within our minds. We thought about sex, imagined sex - before we ever even came together with another being physically in sex.
In my past experiences with sex in relationships, the particular nature of the 'mental reality' of sex within my mind was split into two experiences - one being the particular experiences of energy I would generate through looking at porn and participating in fantasies, and the other being the particular experiences of energy I would generate through an idea of sex as something 'pure' and 'spiritual' - because, in my middle school and high school years I looked at a lot of porn and developed fantasies, values, judgments, desires based on porn, and later I discovered spirituality and started accumulating ideas about 'purity' and 'light' and 'love' and 'higher consciousness'. And so, within my mind I existed in these two different realities / definitions of sex.
And, when I would have sex, all my fantasies, desires, values, judgments would be activated and I would start generating energy within myself as I am participating in these thoughts and pictures in my mind.
So, for example in one of my past relationships, my partner's body didn't fit the values / expectations I had designed in my mind of 'how my partner should look like' which was based on the pictures I had seen in porn - and when we would have sex, my fantasies and desires would 'activate' and yet I would experience a 'dissatisfaction' because the picture of my partner's body was not able to generate the energy I required to 'live out my fantasy'.
And, all of this was 'secret stuff' going on in my mind that I feared for my partner to discover, so I suppressed it and would each time we had sex, go into an experience of inner conflict, because all these judgments, irritations, annoyances would come up in me toward my partner, because she didn't fulfill the requirements of the picture in my mind that I used to generate energy to accumulate into an orgasm.
Now, because I also had a whole 'spiritual' idea of sex - which was that 'I shouldn't have judgments and fantasies' because that is of a 'lower energy' and I must focus on light and love and 'higher energy' and 'god', I tried to control / stop my fantasies and judgments through focusing on being 'spiritual' in sex, trying to 'not care' about the way my partner looks, and trying to 'ignore' my fantasies and judgments and desires that would get triggered in me during sex.
So, within myself I had designed the whole point of sex and sexuality as this polarity of 'lower energy' and 'higher energy', and yet, no matter how hard I tried, I kept experiencing inner conflict because I still was addicted to the energy of my fantasies / desires, still wanting to fulfill my fantasies and desires, but frustrated by the fact that my partner did not fulfill the specifications required for me to live out my fantasies, and at the same time, I was trying to control and suppress my fantasies through focusing on being 'spiritual' and 'transcending' my fantasies and desires. But - I could not find stability within this equation, because eventually my reactions, irritations, annoyances toward my partner, along with my struggle to control them, became too much to handle and I started to just not want to have sex - I got sick of being touched by my partner and touching her, and wanted nothing to do with her. And, because none of this was communicated and remained a secret experience within myself, we were not able to come to any resolution to the conflicts that kept arising in relation to having sex. And this conflict compounded to the point where I ended the relationship just so that I did not have to face my inner conflict with sex anymore.
In my process I've faced all these points and come to understand how I designed my multiple alternate realities related to sex in my mind, and removed the alternate realities with self forgiveness, and now experience sex completely differently - it is a physical expression, a physical exploration - where the sensation, the orgasm, is something that takes place Here, in the physical, through moving myself as touch with my partner. And, it is a sexual journey that has only just begun, as we are still both walking a process of getting out of our minds, into the physical - where we express as equals in self enjoyment, exploring real physical intimacy with each other, through pushing ourselves to develop real self intimacy as a starting point - where the experience of sex is no longer the quest to fulfill an energetic mind reality of desires, pictures, fantasies, expectations, ideas, and is no longer tainted by reactions toward each other based on conflicting ideas, values, definitions, judgments, expectations. I've discovered that communication is the key to the expansion of self expression in sex - and for real communication, you need real self honesty. And in our Agreement, my partner and I push ourselves and support each other to communicate and establish clear agreements and definitions of how we would like sex to be, based on that which we see we can in fact live in reality in support of each other's self expression.
So, we stop manipulation, we stop secrets, we stop expectations, we stop desires, we stop fears, we stop suppression - we walk as equals in the physical, and through self forgiveness, delete the individual bullshit that creates conflict and friction - the bullshit which, in my past relationship experiences, led to the sabotage of the relationship because neither me nor my past partner understood how to change ourselves.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk into a relationship while accepting myself to exist within multiple ideas, fantasies, expectations, values, judgments about sex that I had no intention of communicating to my partner - instead of realizing that this was setting the stage for conflict and friction to manifest through allowing an unspoken secret mind reality to exist within me as my starting point in sex, through then merely hoping and expecting that my ideas, fantasies, expectations, values, judgments would be exactly the same as my partner's
Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have not even considered the actual practical implications and responsibility involved in real communication - communication as a sharing and exposing and revealing who I am in all aspects with my partner - so that we could establish what would actually support the establishment of a functional, enjoyable, supportive experience with each other, and what would remain as only points of self interest that cannot be practically lived in reality
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and see that I spent years with masturbation creating fantasies and energetic addictions based on values and judgments I placed in relation to pictures and characteristics of the physical human body, and that in walking into a relationship from the starting point of accepting myself to exist within such addictions, and expecting my addictions to be fulfilled by my partner, was complete self interest and in no way could stand as a supportive foundation for effective sexual expression in a relationship with another being - because my starting point would be that of my self interest of expectation and desire causing me to try to manipulate my partner to fulfill my desired mental / energetic experience within sex, instead of a starting point of total transparency where we each share our definitions, ideas, fantasies, fears, desires, values, judgments before we even have sex, and with self forgiveness delete them and agree to actually explore physical intimacy from a starting point of newness and unconditionality to facilitate the development and discovery of self expression in sex, not tainted by our individual pasts with sex within our minds
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to suppress my desires, fantasies, judgments, expectations about sex through trying to live an idea of sex as 'purity', wherein I try to make myself feel pure, believing this will help me transcend my energetic addictions, when in fact I am just suppressing my energetic addictions through self judgment, trying to force it to go away with a different energy based on different values and ideas - while not actually releasing myself from the specific fantasies, judgments, ideas, values that I accepted and allowed to exist in me, and still not communicating with my partner and still remaining in my mind the whole time, trying to manage my own mind within sex, thus separating myself from the actual physical coming together with my partner, sabotaging my opportunity to develop physical intimacy, because I didn't even develop sufficient self intimacy to allow myself to face my own secret mind desires and addictions -- and within this I forgive myself that I did not realize that the reason I tried to just suppress my secret mind desires and addictions was because I did not understand how to support myself to actually change, and so tried to force myself to change through using energy based on an idea - not actually releasing myself from what I allowed to exist in me so that I could stand clear, empty, free of my past -- wherein, I was not changing Who I Am within sex, but rather just trying to DO what I believed was the 'right thing to do' in sex
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that, since I accepted and allowed myself to create my fantasies, desires, expectations, judgments - I can delete them through forgiving myself for what I accepted and allowed - so that, then I do not have to suppress what exists in my mind and try to distract myself in another form of energy, but I can actually be free from what I accepted and allowed to exist in me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept it as normal to have secrets, expectations, fantasies, desires in my mind while I am having sex - instead of realizing that then I am not Here in physical reality with my partner, but I am in my mind trying to use the physical, use my partner, to validate and fulfill my own self interested secret reality of my mind which obviously is a dishonest, dysfunctional starting point of sexuality and within which - I am not expressing myself in sex, but am existing as an energetic vampire trying to get an energy fix
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be programmed by examples in movies, television shows, and stories I heard from friends and other people, to define sex and sexuality as the way to fulfill desires and fantasies involving feelings and emotions and thoughts, instead of realizing that sex involves physical bodies - touch, physical sensation and intimacy, and that physical touch is a shared physical sensation that does not actually involve and emotion or feeling or thought, but that all emotions, feelings, reactions and thoughts triggered by touch actually only exist in my own mind based on my own definitions and values and judgments, and that in accepting such mental experiences to exist in me, and within my partner, within touching each other physically, I am separating myself from touch and allowing my partner to separate themselves from touch - separating ourselves from physical intimacy and expression and allowing the moment of touch to be a point of stimulating our individual secret, unspoken mind realities - instead of realizing that in this, we are not giving ourselves the opportunity to explore physical communication and expression, but fueling a starting point of separation within our relationship
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the reason I feared revealing my fantasies, judgments, reactions, desires, thoughts about sex to my partner, was because we never actually established an agreement as to what communication is, what sex is - we never defined what we would like sex to be within the context of our relationship and how we will deal with reactions, judgments, desires, etc - we left sex undefined and within this accepted and allowed each of our existing ideas, definitions, desires, fantasies, thoughts to define sex for us -- wherein each of us had different definitions of sex, different starting points in sex, different pasts with sex within our minds, so that we were never both just Here together equally in the physical with touch, but were in our minds in separate, alternate realities which we allowed to direct sex for us - instead of realizing that the practical way to approach sex in a relationship is to make sure neither partner is existing in an unspoken, secret reality in the mind and that we support each other in pushing each other to, from the beginning, reveal everything, share everything, and then, with self forgiveness, release ourselves from our preconditioned, preprogrammed, preconceived ideas, definitions, values and judgments about sex, and then we agree that we will now discover sex as new - as two physical beings here in the physical reality, exploring each other physically through touch
I forgive myself that I have not allowed and accepted myself to see that the inner conflict I experienced in existing within my own secret mental reality of self interest that manifested outer conflict as reactions, confusion, friction with my partner when the physical reality of sex and touch conflicted with my mental reality of sex - is the same way conflict manifests throughout the world with all human beings - where, we all are actually here equally in the physical and yet each allow ourselves to exist within secret, unspoken mental realities which we allow as the foundation of our relationships -- wherein, we try to find a 'balance' between our self interests, and 'control', and suppress that of ourselves which causes friction, reactions, conflict -- but which eventually comes out in outbursts of anger, fighting, yelling, violence, and which leads to relationships ending because the stress of such conflict becomes too much and neither can see a solution to the problem -- wherein, the problem is not understood because neither is seeing that the problem is in fact their own relationship with their own mind, and within that their own acceptance of the nature of their mind being that of secret thoughts, desires, values, judgments, fantasies, interests -- and I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and realize that because we accept ourselves to exist within such separate mind realities of self interest, we are not Here as the directive principle of our living with each other - not considering how to come to practical agreements of support in our immediate relationships, and as a whole as humanity in terms of designing relationships with each other, with animals, and with nature that support ourselves, animals, and nature to reach its full expression as an expression of Life
I forgive myself that I have not allowed and accepted myself to realize and see that effective sex and relationships is not about doing the 'right things', or the 'wrong things' -- it's not about judgment, and it's not about compromising points of self interest to maintain a 'balance' between our individual self interests --- it's about living self honestly in ways that are best for all. It's about coming to agreements based on equal definitions of words we can live in support of ourselves and each other as Life.
Therefore I commit myself to writing out my entire mental reality of sex, so that I can see all the ways I have designed sex in separation of sex as the actual physical coming together of beings in touch
I commit myself to taking apart my mental reality of sex as values, definitions, judgments, fantasies, memories, pictures, and removing it from myself with self forgiveness, and then realizing that now I must discover what sex is, what touch is, without the alternate reality -- I must now learn what it is to actually be here, live here, touch here, express here where it is Me Moving Me in a physical relationship with another being, instead of my Mind moving me as energy in an energy relationship with another being's mind
I commit myself to stopping suppression, shame, and self judgment so that I can face the darkest corners of my mind and face all the ways I allowed myself to be programmed with energetic addictions, judgments, values, definitions and ideas and fantasies of sex that came from movies, television and porn, and I commit myself to forgiving myself for each accepted and allowed point I used to build my alternate mental reality of sex, and I commit myself to standing here as Breath in the physical, and no longer participating in such energetic addictions in realizing that - the physical is here, stable, constant - no feelings or emotions or addictions or reactions -- while it is myself as my mind that is unstable, reactive, emotional and filled with conflict -- and thus I commit myself to becoming a real physical being and no longer allowing such mental dimensions to exist within me, so that I can be free to establish effective relationships where I investigate how best to support myself and another to express fully in the physical and within this I commit myself to, because I am here in the physical as an expression of life, giving to All Life what I would like for myself as Life which means working toward a practical solution for this world system where we can have a system that is based on establishing new relationships with each other and the earth based on the physical considerations of what is needed for the best possible life for all.