Day 7: Relationship Failures: But we were both so Spiritual!


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I met X, and learned that she shared my interest in spirituality and new age, believe that I am 'supposed to be in a relationship' with her, because, up until that point I had not met anyone who shared my interest in spirituality and new age the same way -- within this I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and realize that, in believing that we are 'supposed to' be in a relationship because we shared an interest, I was accepting the individual interests of people to have directive principle over when and how relationships form

I forgive myself that I did not accept and allow myself to see and realize that the reason I felt that X was the 'one for me' in relation to learning she shared my interest in spirituality and new age, was because up until that point I had not met anyone who supported my definition of myself and the world that I had formulated taking knowledge and information that I had read, and deciding that 'this is what I am and what the world is', and thus, since I had defined myself and my world according to knowledge and information from spirituality and new age, I was looking for people who could validate my definitions of myself and the world so I could experience that spirituality and new age is 'era' -- and here I had found someone who shared my interests in spirituality and so validated my definitions as 'real' apparently

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that sharing an interest in spirituality meant we 'knew who each other were', instead of realizing that - we only had similar knowledge and information in our minds -- and thus, I was not actually relating to the being herself, but to the knowledge and information in her mind - I was relating to her as a carrier of the same knowledge and information that I had -- I was recognizing a program similar to my own and so wanted to be with this similar program

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I met X and learned she shared my interest in spirituality, believe that the connection I felt was me connecting at a 'higher level' with another being, instead of realizing that I was only connecting with a program of knowledge and information similar to my own

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I met X, imagine us becoming a 'great spiritually influential couple' that will exists in happiness and bliss, instead of realizing that I had not actually gotten to know this person, I had not developed communication with this person, I had no idea what thoughts, reactions, fears, backchat, desires were existing in this person's mind, and that thus my projection of the 'future' was just me projecting my own desire to experience bliss and happiness, without considering the practical reality of getting to know another being and developing a functional relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I felt warm energy in my solar plexus when I first met X and learned she shared my interest in spirituality and new age, believe that I was 'connecting' with this person, and 'experiencing her', instead of realizing that, I was experiencing this feeling of connection because I had spent years imagining the kind of person I would like to be in a relationship with, what she would look like, what kind of interests she would have, and now that I met someone who fit this description, I experienced a feeling of happiness because my desire and imagination was now 'coming true' -- my feeling was not being generated / given to my BY X - but by myself, within myself -- if I had programmed myself with different ideas / imaginations / desires -- I would not have experienced that feeling towards X - but to someone else who fit whatever description I would have created in my mind of the person I would like to be in a relationship with -- for example if I had been interested in sports instead of spirituality, I would have included the interest of sports in my idea of who I'd like to be with

I forgive myself that I did not accept and allow myself to question my experience of 'connection' I felt when I met X, after we started hanging out and the feeling eventually disappeared completely

I forgive myself that I did not see and realize that, the feeling I felt when we first met could not have been a practical basis for starting a relationship because, after a while it disappeared - and I was still faced with the practical points within a relationship such as communication, sharing, intimacy

I forgive myself that I did not accept and allow myself to see that feelings could not have been a practical, real basis for going into a relationship with X, because when we started having disagreements and conflict -- the initial feeling I felt when I first met her - was no where to be found - the feeling of love / connection / warm energy when I met her, did not have any practical value as something that can be applied in working together with my partner to establish effective communication, problem solving, intimacy

I forgive myself that I did not accept and allow myself to realize that all the time I had spent in my mind imagining  and focusing on a spiritual person to be in a relationship with, I was not investigating the obvious practical foundational words that should form the basis of an effective relationship: communication, intimacy, sharing, expression, touch -- but rather I was building a complete projected experience in my mind based on my desires and ideas about what my relationship will be like -- and within this I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize immediately when we started having disagreements and conflicts and arguments and reacting to each other, that the reason such events were manifesting was because we had never come to any agreement about what communication is, what sharing is, what intimacy is, what expression is, what a relationship is -- instead we each accepted and allowed each other to remain within whatever secret mind starting point we were participating within

I forgive myself that I did not see and realize that within the knowledge and information of spirituality and new age that I had developed an interest in, and defined myself according to, contained no practical support in terms of how to establish an effective relationship, and actually encouraged me to focus entirely on my imagination and desires and hopes and wishes and wants -- thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that, when me and X started experiencing arguments, reactions, conflicts, disagreements, that I was dysfunctional in my application of spirituality, instead of seeing the obvious: that spirituality was dysfunctional in supporting people to enter relationships based on desires and imagination

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is practical to start a relationship with a foundation of two beings coming together with different interpretations of an ideology / belief system, without ever laying out in writing the specific ideas, definitions, thoughts, values, judgments, beliefs existing in each person's mind --because, in leaving each other's belief systems in the mind as unspoken, unrevealed points of personality - we leave the door open, we set the seen for conflict and friction as we will both try and attempt to live our individual interpretation of an ideology / belief system

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and realize that allowing a relationship to be founded on the acceptance of each other having 'our own beliefs', and trying to maintain a constant experience of calm, peace, and agreement, when we have not actually come to any equal agreement about how we are going to walk our relationships and how we are going to define the words we use, is like teaching a class where each student has a textbook consisting of a different interpretations, definitions, and theories about the subject, and then handing everyone the same assignment and expecting them to all agree and come to the same conclusions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is functionally effective to accept and allow each other to have their own beliefs, instead of realizing the obvious fuckup in this, as there will be inequality in our communication, where we are interpreting each other and trying to conform ourselves to each other's beliefs to avoid conflict and maintain peace, allowing each other to be isolated into their own mind bubble

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when me and another come together in a relationship - we are coming together here, in the same physical reality, physical space -- and that for our physical experience together to be stable and enjoyable, we have to get out of our minds and establish agreements about how we would like to live here in the physical with each other in actual reality, and not accept or allow mind bubbles of secrets, beliefs, definitions, desires, fears, imagination, judgment to exist in each other -- because then we are separating ourselves from the one and equal physical space we actually live in, into and as individual secret alternate realities

Therefore I commit myself to, when and as I am considering to start a relationship with someone, lay out for myself in writing all the 'practical reality' points of a relationship, such as communication, touch, responsibilities, self expression, activities, and write out all my definitions and expectations of these things, so I can identify where and how and when I would seek to control and manipulate my partner to conform to my definitions and expectations, and where and how and when I would react with judgment, backchat, emotions, if my partner would not conform / live up to my definitions / expectations. And within this I commit myself to applying Self Forgiveness to release myself from my accepted and allowed expectations, desires, and definitions, so that I can approach my potential relationship partner from a starting point of emptiness - wherein then I will initiate a process of communicating and sharing with my partner about what I would like to experience in the relationship, and insist that my partner also lay out his/her definitions and expectations, apply Self Forgiveness to empty themselves of their definitions and expectations, so that we can then look at how we want to define things like communication, touch, support, care, attention, affection, expression, sexuality and come to an equal agreement about how we would like to apply these points in our relationship -- because in this we are beginning the relationship from a starting point of unconditionality -- wherein, we will build our relationship from the very beginning as equal directors of the relationship. 

I commit myself to not start relationships from the starting point of experiencing some 'feeling' triggered in me by the way someone looks or sounds or because we share some interest or belief -- within realizing that then I am walking into a relationship with my own mind - my own feelings based on my own values and interests, not with another being within actually getting to know who we each really are

I commit myself to not sabotage my relationships by accepting and allowing myself to dive into a relationship because I experience some feeling when I meet someone, but to consider if the potential partner is someone I would be willing to walk with and establish an actual agreement with -- because in diving into a relationship based on a feeling, I am setting myself up to get tired of the relationship when the feeling runs out, wherein I will then look for another relationship based on another feeling -- and will never actually develop a supportive relationship to assist me and another in living effective lives, but will remain trapped in the search for a feeling.

I commit myself to establishing myself as self honesty within considering myself as Life, and my relationship partner as Life, and investigating how I can create relationships that support what is best for ourselves as Life, which would include considering what is best for ALL Life - wherein, my relationships should support me and my partner to become self honest in all ways, to live as equals as Life in support of a world that is best for all Life -- instead of creating relationships based on supporting our individual mind bubbles of interests, beliefs, desires, fears. Therefore I commit myself to investigating the knowledge and information that I have used to define me, to make sure my knowledge can be practically applied in establishing communication, sharing, expression, intimacy within Self Honestly considering what is best for all -- and to, when and as I identify knowledge and information that can only be lived as beliefs, imagination, ideas, desires, - forgive myself and release myself from this knowledge, and focus on developing practical ways of living that support me, my partner, and everyone else, to reach our full expression as Life.

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