Day 3 - Ego of wanting to Receive but not Give Support
On the farm, I'm working with music as well, as my primary point of expression that I am developing, which is also my favorite thing to do. And, as I am walking my day, taking care of the required work and duties on the farm that I am responsible for - realizing the importance / necessity of fulfilling such duties, I still find myself going into thoughts of 'why can't I have more time to do the things I enjoy more', and 'if I could just only work on music, I could develop it more and produce more', and I have a moment of frustration with the other work I am doing - I feel like I'm 'missing out' on what I 'could be doing'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'why can't I do only the things I enjoy the most' to exist within and as me, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when and as this thought arise within me, that it is actually based on my world / people in my world 'taking away my freedom and enjoyment' by 'imposing' responsibilities on me, instead of realizing that this thought was part of a personality within me, based on my judgments about certain things during my day that I am required to do, that are part of the responsibilities involved with living in a group, and working together with a group where we all do what is best for all in the group.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought of 'I am missing out on what I enjoy' to exist within and as me, and to come up within me when I am taking care of my duties and support responsibilities during my day - instead of realizing that, it is not 'me' that is missing out on what I enjoy' - it is the personality I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as me based on the idea that 'I am here in this world to be free to do only what I enjoy'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an idea about the world that it is here to support me to do the things I enjoy doing, and that I have a right to do only that which I enjoy doing - instead of realizing the absurdity of such an idea, as it is obvious that for us as human beings to enjoy ourselves here on earth, we have to work together to ensure that we are effectively contributing to maintaining the conditions of support that enable us to enjoy ourselves and live comfortably, and that as such, it is ego to claim that I have the 'right' to do 'only what I enjoy and want to do' - because, then I am really saying that everyone else must support me, but I will not support everyone else - which is a starting point of abuse of what is here, abuse of others for my own self interest
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be brainwashed by advertisements, movies, tv shows, and spirituality to believe that 'I am here to do what feels best for me', and I forgive myself that I have not allowed and accepted myself to see and realize that such a starting point of self interest only benefits those who make a profit off consumers spending their money / participating in this world in self interest - which they will unquestioningly do if they believe that it is their 'right' to only participate / consider their self interest
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define enjoyment in separation of myself here, into and as 'activities' that stimulate a feeling in me that supports my idea that I am 'free to do what I enjoy only', instead of realizing that in this, I am limiting 'enjoyment' to an energetic polarity of 'feeling good', and 'feeling bad', wherein, I apparently cannot enjoy myself within taking responsibility to do what is best for all, because it 'doesn't stimulate me to feel good / feel happy / feel excited', instead of realizing that such 'enjoyment' is not real, because - it is merely a feeling that I must then maintain, which can be lost. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define enjoyment as a feeling, instead of accepting enjoyment as myself here - as self enjoyment.
Within this I forgive myself that I have not allowed and accepted myself to realize that it is not the world's responsibility to 'make me feel good' - because, I am the one responsible for accepting and allowing myself to define my enjoyment as feeling, and I am the one that accepts and allows my enjoyment to be dependent on specific 'activities' -- therefore it is my responsibility to stop my point of ego as the belief / idea that the world must support me to feel good - I must take responsibility for my enjoyment of myself - because my experience of myself is ME - no one else can 'give' me enjoyment - therefore I must take responsibility to gift myself with enjoyment - the enjoyment of me - so that then I am free to take responsibility to do what is best for all - and enjoy myself within doing so
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and see that, in each being stopping the ego of the idea that the universe is here to support 'my individual right to do what I want only', and taking responsibility to contribute to what is best for all, that we will have a world that is truly enjoyable - because when all take responsibility to contribute, then what is required to get done to support ourselves can get done with less individual contribution required = we won't have to work our whole life when we all contribute to what is best for all, because we won't have to work to survive, and within this, enjoyment will no longer have to be a moment of stimulation one use to escape the struggle for survival
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus only on how I can stimulate myself to escape the reality of my struggle for survival, and to make this my goal in life, instead of realizing that in this I am accepting that life must be a struggle for survival, and enjoyment must be a reward as a moment of escape, and I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that such a goal has been conditioned into me through years of accepting that the current way the world works is the only way the world can work
And within focusing only on 'how can I stimulate myself to escape my struggle for survival for a moment' I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my ability to think critically and consider how the world could be different
Therefore I accept enjoyment as myself, and commit myself to walking my responsibilities within the consideration that the only 'goal' that is relevant, is the goal of a world that is best for all life - and that within this, it is my responsibility to contribute effectively, and take responsibility for my own enjoyment / inner experience and sort myself out so that I can walk with consistency and effectiveness to make full use of my life while I am here to work toward a world that is best for all - because I realize that, in a world where everyone does what is best for all and no one / nothing is neglected - then all are free to discover themselves as life, no longer having to seek ways to escape a struggle for survival -- thus within this, in dedicating myself to walking my responsibilities and stopping the desire / want to escape responsibility, I am walking myself as Life into a world where I as Life can live in enjoyment no matter where or when or who I am born as
I commit myself to daily writing to clarify any resistance / judgment / reactions / thoughts that arise within me as I walk my responsibilities, and releasing myself with self forgiveness from such patterns and personalities based on the ego of wanting others to support me while being unwilling to support others
I dedicate myself to expanding out of my limited bubble of self interest, to walk in every moment within awareness and consideration that there are billions of other beings here, and that it is obviously necessary to develop a way of living where we contribute to what is best for all.
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