Saturday, May 16, 2015

Day 298: How can we be Free when we have so many automatic Physical Behaviors?

Why is the human face one of the most sensitive and illustrative places for the Quantum Physical to be seen?

How can you read your face to see the Quantum Physical?

How is the Quantum Physical connected to the face of your physical body for it to come through and be seen so specifically?

How will this series assist and support you to quantify your process when facing the Quantum Physical?

Check out this free interview Introduction: Quantum Physical available to download on Eqafe.

Listening to this interview, I wanted to share how throughout my process I've come to develop an awareness of how specifically and consistently my physical body reflects and shows me when there is a thought, feeling, emotion, reaction activating within me. Everyone can relate to the experiences of for instance a tensing of muscles, negative or positive energy experiences appearing in the solar plexus / stomach / chest area, feeling physically awkward or uncomfortable, shoulders hunching, shallow breathing, holding your breath, avoiding eye contact, foot tapping or some movement happening automatically, clenching fists, slamming doors, moving aggressively, changing the way you walk or stand when you're around different people, doing weird things unconsciously with your hands and fingers while talking to someone, etc, etc.

Each of these kind of physical manifestations can be traced to the activation and experience of some thought, feeling, or emotion - some positive, negative, or perhaps somewhat neutral experience that has come up and is now occupying your physical body and your attention. For example nervousness, desire, fear, anxiety, defensiveness, frustration, anger, depression, excitement, resistance, hurt, etc, or simply being 'lost in thought' where you're off in your mind seeing things, imagining things, thinking about people or places or memories or information, and you're not consciously Here in your body, self-directively moving it and positioning it.

One of the most revealing and complex parts of the body through which the Mind comes forth in expression is the Face. I've found that looking at what's going on with my face is one of the most specific ways I can identify what's going on within myself especially when speaking to others in moments of reaction. 

For instance:

What is happening in the muscles around my eyes?
What is happening in the muscles of my forehead?
What is happening in the muscles around my mouth?
What am I doing with my lips?
Is any part of my face clenched or tightened in some way?
What is happening with my eyes? Am I rolling my eyes?
Did my eyes widen? Are my eyelids feeling heavy or drooped?
What is happening with my chin? Is is jutting forward? Are my teeth clenched?
Am I smiling? Why? Is it a smile of spite or judgment? 
Am I staring into space blankly? lol.
Are my eyes moving around and am I resisting making eye contact?

It can be difficult to notice, let alone change these kinds of automatic physical symptoms and experiences when you're for the most part during your day constantly in your head thinking about stuff and reacting to things - with this constant pull of some thought, some desire, some fear, some point of stress, some emotional experience, some inner conflict, causing you to exist in a constant survival mode, trying to live your life while being controlled by these experiences being triggered in you. Especially if for instance you are in a relationship or family situation where everyone is also having their own thoughts, feelings, and emotions coming up and you are frequently clashing with others. I mean it's no wonder it's so easy to postpone things or want to run away in moments into distractions of entertainment, drugs or alcohol, or isolating yourself.

This is why I suggest if you relate to this blog, that you enroll in the Desteni I Process course online which will actually teach you how to develop stability within the seemingly never ending experiences of your Mind, and start deconstructing your thoughts and experiences and understanding them, so you can release yourself from them and change the way you live and experience yourself and make decisions.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Day 297: The Origin of Anger in My Life Part 4: The Beginning of Self Image

Continuing from the last post in this series:
I walked a path that brought me close to the point of self sabotage, where, as I described in my first post in this series, I trapped myself into SURVIVAL within the cycle of desire, hope, expectation, tied in with fear of losing / missing out on what I want, reacting more and more when I would encounter an obstacle, a failure, something not going as I expected, and locking myself into the pattern of Rage as the release of suppressed accumulated reactions. I came close to getting to a point where my anger would have made it impossible to continue developing my Agreement with my partner, and which would have led me further and further away from living my natural self expression.
...In posts to come I will walk through earlier events in my life and show how they influenced the formation of the desires, expectations, and self definitions through which I set myself up to walk the path of anger / self sabotage, and within this show how such a path could be prevented earlier in life, and how there are ways of understanding your world, understanding others, and how through developing this understanding, this practical awareness, one can transcend the pattern of emotional reaction, suppression, and struggle, and expand yourself beyond what you thought you were limited to - See more at:

Something I've discovered in investigating how the reaction pattern of Anger came to exist in me, in looking back at my life from early on, is how anger actually in a way evolved and was given life over time through the gradual development of the ways I would interpret things in my world through reaction, through feeling as positive, or emotion as negative. When I was very very young - I have no memory of getting angry, or really of any significant Emotional or Feeling experiences at all. Like when I was a toddler, I can remember walking around the house, climbing on things, experiencing the textures and feel of things, seeing people, hearing them talk - but it's like, I didn't have a personality yet - I didn't have a mental self image through which I related to / interpreted my world. I didn't interpret events, people's behavior and words through reactions, judgments, feelings, emotions. It was like - it was just there. What I can see is that the stage in my life in which I see I started to have like, a self-image, and started to feel good or feel bad about things is the stage where I had words - I had a vocabulary. I was learning 'what things mean', and I was forming a self image through receiving input and feedback from people in my environment in the form of words, and how the words were spoken.

In my next post in this series I'm going to look at what points my self image, my definition of myself started to form around.

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Day 296: If we All Riot, will Everything be All Right?

An act of verbal or physical attack between a cop and a civilian played out in a moment of reaction of fear / anger / blame.

An act of verbal or physical attack between a Jew and an Arab played out in a moment of reaction of fear / anger / blame.

An act of verbal or physical attack between two partners in a relationship played out in a moment of reaction of fear / anger / blame.

An act of verbal or physical attack between a parent and a child played out in a moment of reaction of fear / anger / blame.

An act of verbal or physical attack between a teacher and a student played out in a moment of reaction of fear / anger / blame.

An act of verbal or physical attack between a Christian and an Atheist played out in a moment of reaction of fear / anger / blame.

An act of verbal or physical attack between an Arab and a Jew played out in a moment of reaction of fear / anger / blame.

An act of verbal or physical attack between a Vegetarian and a Meat eater played out in a moment of reaction of fear / anger / blame.

An act of verbal or physical attack between two men or two women at a party / a club / in a social situation played out in a moment of reaction of jealousy / feeling disrespected / anger / blame.

Can we ever have a world of Peace, where no one ever attacks each other, harms each other, goes to war with each other, if we accept that being taken over and possessed by reactions of emotion within yourself is a normal and natural part of being Human?

Clearly, in a world of billions of people - with different points of views, different opinions, different personalities, different self definitions, different belief systems, different ideas of right and wrong, different ideas of what is best, with each primarily interested in protecting and preserving their own life, beliefs, and desires, the real problem we're facing in this world is not Racism, nor is it Religious discrimination or Gender discrimination.

We live in a world where conflict, where reaction, where attack and abuse and spitefulness and jealousy and resentment and hatred and neglect and manipulation and deception and lies and arguments and secrets and blame play out in all walks of Human life, in all cultures, at all income levels, in all Religious groups, in all Spiritual groups, in all Activist groups, in all Age groups, and at levels of Intellect and Education.

How do you define dysfunction? How do you define a problem?

We have billions of human being reacting to each other and playing out actions of judgment, of spite, of violence, of blame, of anger, all based on protecting and defending their views, their self definitions, their beliefs, their opinions - that which they have accepted to be 'Who I Am' and which defines their experience of self worth, self value, self validity, purpose, security, stability - that which defines 'what is best for ME and MY OWN' - I mean isn't that dysfunctional? Isn't that a problem?

Isn't it a problem that someone will react and be outraged by racism, yet not outraged by poverty?
By starvation?
By wages so low they don't support a person to have a dignified life free of stress?
By the world's resources being used up by a system driven by Profit over Life?
By parents who scream at and physically hurt their children in acts of reactive emotional possession?
By people who get into fights and physically harm each other and even kill each other every single day over jealousy, over sports, or because they're DRUNK?
Over the glorification of and obsession with, and desire to BE LIKE celebrities who flaunt and take pride in their wealth and elite status while people die because they cannot access money?

To really get a grip on why things like Racially motivated attacks, or Religious fanaticism motivated attacks happen and be able to eventually 'evolve' beyond such things we have to first come to terms with how the starting point of such behavior is the SAME starting point as any of the reactive behavior that plays out in our own lives, our own relationships every day in every walk of life within every race and culture. I mean anywhere where we take something personally and react within some form of "You've offended me", or "You've insulted me", or "You're not doing what I WANT you to" -- anything within us where we go into Blame, Spitefulness, Attack, Judgment toward another -- we are all part of that problem. No one can Self Honestly say they can take the "Righteous position". In fact, there is no such thing as Righteousness. Righteousness is not required in order to apply practical solutions in giving direction to problems. This is what we're demonstrating as Destonians through the Journey to Life Blogs and Desteni I Process: we recognize there are many abuses in the world that need to be stopped. But we also recognize that taking to the streets and burning cars and breaking windows and HARMING others is not going to change Humanity. Such a starting point is precisely the PROBLEM.

Over forty years ago we had the Civil Rights movement in America where millions of people demanded equal rights for Black people. And - it worked. The laws changed. Yet - we still have conflict between races.

In South Africa, Apartheid ended back in the nineties. Blacks now occupy all major positions of political power and influence. Yet - there is still corruption, still poverty, still violence.

Now the issue is Gay marriage and ending discrimination toward one's sexual orientation.

In all these cases, the Changes have been based on the point of giving certain groups of people Equal rights in terms of being able to access the same kinds of opportunities as other groups.

Yet - the problem is that we still each want the individual right to have our own opinions that some people are worth more than others, some are more important than others -- for example, how we see those in our immediate relationships and families as 'special', and care when they are harmed - but do not have that same care and concern with people outside of our immediate lives and interests. Where's the Equality in that? Isn't that discrimination? Isn't the underlying 'Right' that we're all wanting, the Right to care about ourselves and our own lives more than the lives of others? Isn't that the real source of conflict, of fear, of separation within Humanity?

No matter how equal our society becomes in terms of different Races, Genders, Sexual orientation, Religion having access to the same opportunities in the context of the Money system, at the end of the day we're still faced with the Self Honest reality within Each of us of all the ways we exclude others from our consideration, from that which we take responsibility for - based on our Opinions and the way we define ourselves.

And how can we expect others to change and stop their reactions of violence and conflict toward others when we're still faced with the reality of all the ways we ourselves exist in conflict with another in moments of Reaction? Such points show us where we don't yet really KNOW ourselves. There are programs of opinion, of knowledge, of ideas, of expectations, of definitions functioning within our minds that we're not aware of and which control the way we respond to our world. We're not yet the Directive Principle of ourselves in all ways. We're in fact Mind Controlled by our own programming. Why else would we get literally possessed in moments by thoughts, by emotions, by reactions toward each other, and do things that we later regret, or lash out because we don't see an actual solution to a problem and so don't see how to DIRECT ourselves within stability?

We're showing through the Desteni I Process and Journey to Life blogs that it's possible to understand where thoughts, feelings, emotions, reactions come from -- and it's possible to change yourself and get to a practical solution for every problem. We're also showing that no one is born a racist. No one is born with any kind of self definition or 'pride' or discrimination towards anyone based on their Race, or religion, or style, or nationality, or diet, or body type. No one is even born seeing their own family as being more 'special' and deserving of love, than any other Human being - or animal for that matter. Such definitions are all PROGRAMMED in after birth.

We need to remove the programs that separate us from each other and cause conflict and give up the 'right' to see our own life as more important than another's.

We don't need Tolerance, because Tolerance only means that we have a system in place where we allow each other to have opinions that separate ourselves from each other, and value systems that see some as more and some as less -- so that we can have OUR opinions and feel protected. It's just self interest and the perpetuation of Separation - not a solution to end conflict FOR GOOD.

As Destonians we're interested in how to end conflict, harm, abuse, separation -- for GOOD. ONCE AND FOR ALL. Where - such things will NEVER happen -- EVER.
Impossible you say? We say that's just an excuse.

Each of us walking the Journey to Life blogs have by now provided enough examples of how we're changing ourselves - to show that it is in fact possible to end abuse and separation within Humanity -- for GOOD. It's not easy. No one said changing the world would be easy. It can't be easy with what the world exists as and what each of our Minds exist as. There is no quick fix. But it can be done. Human Nature can be changed. Don't take my word for it - read the blogs!

I am a Destonian because I will accept nothing less than the end of all abuse, all separation, forever, in all ways. Sound radical? It is. But an radically messed up world calls for a radical act of CHANGE. And if I react to others in my own mind, and have judgments, and opinions and self definitions that I am holding onto that cause me to become defensive, argumentative, spiteful, angry toward another -- whoah -- I need to sort that shit out so I can show others how to do the same. And THAT'S how I can make a difference.

We don't need to All Riot -- we need to All WRITE. All right?

Join us.

Friday, May 1, 2015

Day 295: What Determines Your Place in Society?

I read an article that put the role of police and law enforcement in context in terms of the role it actually plays in how our society is structured around the protection of wealth and keeping everyone 'in their place':

"Police Violence Not Merely the Product of Police with Racist Attitudes

Welcome to the Real News Network I'm Paul Jay.
Police violence against people of color, that is illegal violence usually without consequence to the perpetrators, is not merely the product of too many law enforcement officers with racist attitudes.
Their name says it all. Police are enforcing laws, including with deadly force, to make people obey legislation that at its heart protects people that own property. The more you own, the more you are served and protected.
Of course we all want to live in a safer city and police play a significant role in that, but to address this violence we must recognize the underlying causes of street crime: unemployment, low wages, poverty, and completely irrational drug laws.
Unemployment is not a natural phenomenon that ebbs and flows; it's a product of a system that requires a big pool of available cheap labor to keep wages low. A myriad of legislation ensures that unions are weak and wages stay depressed. It's not a product of a free labor market, but what amounts to a regulated one.
When police use violence they do so as agents of a legal system (courts and prisons), that must keep a lid on people who fight back against desperate conditions. Whether they fight back blindly and often self-destructively, or more consciously and politically, the elites have passed laws that keep people in their place.
Of course the place for those in the elites, that is the top 20%, is to own 85% of America's wealth. On a global scale, the top 1% of the population owns 50% of the world's wealth. In the US, the wealthiest one percent captured 95 percent of post-financial crisis growth since 2009, while the bottom 90 percent became poorer.
Laws are designed to makes sure this inequality takes place, and make sure it stays this way. The police enforce these laws." SOURCE:

Money determines the kind of community you fit within. Money determines 'your place' in the world. And, when you grow up in a particular community, of a particular culture, you're going to define yourself largely based on your community and culture -- your 'place'. And, your interests, your concerns, what you care about, is going to be largely based around your community and culture that forms the predominant World that you experience yourself in. I mean you're going to define your purpose, your worth, your value, around the kind of culture you developed in -- around your 'place' in the world.

Now in this world, you have communities of people with higher educations, sophisticated job skills, higher incomes, and within these communities it's interesting because when you are highly educated and you have a lot of money at your disposal and you're not in a constant struggle to survive -- you have a foundation that gives you access to a much wider view of the world, and you are like, in a way more free to be 'your own person'. You're more the 'master of your life'. And, people in such communities also have more access to ways of influencing and shaping the policies and laws in their community in a way that serves their interest. So basically, you have more control over your immediate world and you feel less dependent on others. It's like, when you are part of the world of people with money and resources and influence -- you are the one who puts yourself in your place in the way you want. For you, the system is cool - the laws are cool, because they are helping you protecting your interests, your assets, your access from being lost, from coming under threat. From the perspective of the person with money, with a high quality of life and a lot of assets, your experience is for the most part that laws and authority and government is there to serve you.

And then you have communities of people with less education, lesser job skills, lower incomes, more immediate threats to your survival and security, and the role that laws and rules play in your world is primarily that of limiting the resources and quality of life you have access to. You are existing in a more limited Place, a more inferior Place. When you are existing in the low income world, without the education, capital, and connections in the system to access a 'better place', what you find is that it's very difficult to change your world, very difficult to access a better quality of life. It's like, instead of serving the interest of your quality of life and well-being and access to opportunities -- the system, the laws, the authority structure is there to put you in your place and keep you there. Again, why else would people turn to selling drugs, or to prostitution, or to theft? Why else would people form gangs and social structures that protect criminal behavior and lash out against those who are trying to keep them in their place? Isn't such psychology born of the inherent indignity of occupying a place in the world that you can directly see is inferior in every way to those with money? I mean when you are born into a tough place, and you find that the rules you must follow are making it difficult to get into a better place -- is it any wonder that people start to find ways of playing by their own rules in order to create opportunities to experience a better place in the world?

I commit myself to show that All places in the world must be a place where dignity is found.

I commit myself to show that All places in the world must be a place where life is supported to reach its full potential and self expression.

I commit myself to show that All places in the world must be a place where support is given sufficient and equal to all in order to prevent the development of survival based personalities.

I commit myself to show that All places in the world must be a place where education is the best it can be and is given to everyone.

I commit myself to show that All places in the world must be a place where self interest is put in its practical place -- which is the place of being removed from any point of influence where it can harm another and deprive another of their basic human right to a dignified life without fear, without lack, without deprivation of the things that make life an enjoyable and fulfilling experience.

I commit myself to show that if we want to stop the perpetuation of riots and violence and the 'us vs. them' mentality -- we're going to have to lift everyone currently in an Inferior Place in society, into a Place of dignity and honor -- with a guaranteed living income sufficient to change a person's world view from that of Inferiority and Resentment, to that of feeling Supported, Cared for, Respected, and Honored as Equal.

Friday, April 24, 2015

Day 294: The Moral Imperative

Why This CEO Pays Every Employee $70,000 a Year
"You were inspired to raise the minimum wage because of a well-known Princeton study that found that emotional well-being rises with income—but only to an extent, which is around $75,000 dollars. Was it just the study that was the game changer for you? The numbers also had to make sense for the business, right?Dan Price: To me, once you know the right thing to do, and it’s the right thing for everybody involved and it’s going to be beneficial to everyone, it becomes a moral imperative to actually do it. In the past, as much as I would have wanted to do something like this, it wasn’t practical, it wasn’t the right timing. And so, with that Princeton study, one of the other aspects that really hit home with me was, “The dollars that you’re making underneath that amount are causing harm to your well-being.” And that, to me, is powerful stuff. And we only get to live this life once.  And I want everybody that I’m partnered with at Gravity to really live the fullest, best life that they can.." 

In the context of this physical reality we all live in, we obviously each require food, water, education, health care, a place to live, clothes, and the utilities and amenities that support us to step beyond mere survival and explore our potential and self expression. So, in the context of this physical reality, common sense would be that the word Morality be defined as -- if there is More - let it be More for All in this Reality. To have a society built on real Morality we have to start implementing the solutions we have a Moral Imperative to implement. 

How many uneducated people without access to effective incomes go to prison for theft and burglary and get released, and start attempting to play by the rules by 'working hard', only to find that 'playing by the rules' means working maybe two jobs, relying on overtime meaning they're working 50, 60, 70 hours a week or more, with virtually no time to actually have a life? How many times does a person get released from prison only to face this reality and end up resorting to theft or selling drugs or some other illegal activity because they realize that by doing so they can work a fraction of the time and earn many times what they would earn at a regular job? What if your circumstances of upbringing meant that the primary skills you developed were all skills associated with 'criminal activity'? What if you're really good at selling drugs or pimping prostitutes? Isn't it going to be easier to do what you're good at? To do what you excel at? Don't we enjoy doing things we excel at?

I in fact know a person who went to jail for 5 years for theft and human trafficking, was released from prison, and ended up working overtime every week, which at a wage around 9 - 10 dollars an hour, even with overtime pay, means you're making less than 30,000 a year. Now, that is really NOT a lot of money. You're going to be very limited in what you can afford and you're not going to have a lot of time to do anything but work. I heard recently that he had been sent back to prison less than a year after being released, on charges of human trafficking.

Now I talked with this person, I got to know his expression, and I could see than in a different circumstance, his skills and expression would have been able to have been focused on something entirely different. If the opportunity and money-motivated temptation to get involved with human trafficking was not there -- he most likely would not have tried to create such activity. I mean, if he'd been born into a world where everyone lives like a millionaire - that survival point would never have been there -- the whole CULTURE of committing 'crime' to survive would not have existed.

The fact is, when faced with the reality of thankless labor at a less than sufficient wage that takes up most of your time and tires you out mentally and physically, he chose to do what he already knew how to do, because it was easier to get money that way. And because his entire mind, his character, his way of seeing himself in the world had already developed around the culture of crime.

Do we really believe those in society with the least education, the most dysfunctional upbringings and relationships, and whose behavior and personality designs and thought processes are most aligned to the culture of crime and survival are the ones that have a Moral imperative to 'do the right thing'? 

How many crimes, how many abuses could be prevented and even totally eliminated by giving everyone a guaranteed income sufficient to have a comfortable life?

When you want to stop a symptom, don't you go to the actual cause? How can the symptom stop the cause of itself? That's an extremely warped idea of responsibility, obviously formulated by those who benefit from the cause the most -- those with the most money whose interest is to protect their wealth.

Those of us with education, those of us with effective incomes, those of us with access to resources, to money, to research, those of us with the means to shape the policies, laws, principles and practices of our system -- WE are the ones with the Moral imperative. Because we are the ones who have MORE. It's pretty easy to not commit crimes when you have a nice income and a nice life isn't it? The problem is that of Definition. We define 'doing the right thing' as 'doing whatever it takes to earn an honest living' -- conveniently placing responsibility on the POOR to 'do the right thing' by working in stead of committing crimes. But in fact, when you look at real Morality as making sure Everyone in Reality Have More, the actual 'right thing' to do is to give everyone a dignified, good quality of life through providing a living income. And in that -- you actually remove the whole REASON one would commit a money-motivated crime in the first place! Duh! When you change the environment, you change the product that is brought up in the environment. When you remove lack and survival from society, you are no longer sowing the seeds of human thought and behavior shaped by lack and survival. Basic common sense!

I commit myself to show that wherever Life is Diminished and Neglected in the name of the Protection of Self Interest - there is Moral Impotence

I commit myself to show that the idea that poverty and crime being a complex problem, is a self deception used to protect the pursuit of happiness and one's own survival as self interest placed above what is Best for All, within a starting point of Moral Impotence

I commit myself to support those in this reality who are not just saying nice words, but who are taking real physical action that is bringing about solutions that are best for everyone

I commit myself to be the example of placing Principle before Preference, in realizing that the world does not need the freedom to prefer to choose to ignore the plight of others

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Day 293: How to Stop the Walking Dead from Coming True

Have you ever been in a position where you wondered how you were going to be able to pay your bills?

Have you ever been in a position of struggling to find a decent job and wondering why it is so difficult?

Have you ever been in a position of struggling to find decent work even with a college degree?

Have you ever experienced stress, anxiety, fear, frustration, depression, anger, confusion about your money situation? About bills? About debt? About the hoops you're required to jump through to get access to the basic necessities of life when you don't have enough money to just go out and access it directly?

Have you ever had to settle for work that doesn't pay you enough to live and is not something you would otherwise choose to do, but you took the job because it's the only place that would hire you?

Have you ever had to find a SECOND job just to cover your living expenses, working 50, 60, 70 hours a week without any end in sight?

Have you ever been in a position where your view toward your work is that "It's better than nothing"?

Have you ever filled out a job application and written 'minimum wage' in the 'desired salary' section, afraid to write a higher number because you're so desperate for work you'd accept any wage?

Do you regularly depend on getting drunk and / or high on the weekends as a way to forget about how much you don't like being at work during the week?

Do you ever wonder how it is that there are individuals who are worth more than the entire gross domestic product of whole countries? Do you ever wonder how such individuals can exist alongside those who struggle to earn enough to live above the poverty line, in spite of working regular overtime hours? Do you ever wonder how such a relationship can exist in a system that claims to be based on values that support freedom, dignity, and human rights?

Can freedom, honor, equality, and dignity exist in a world that believes that quality of life, surety of survival, and good health can only exist as a reward to be placed as motivation to work and fulfill the labor requirements of industry?

Can evolution, progress, enlightenment, and intelligence really exist in a world that believes the fear for one's survival is the only way a human can be motivated to participate in society?

Does creativity, critical thinking, responsibility, and integrity exist in a world where those with the aptitude, education, and resources to engineer ways to visit other planets, cure diseases, and create robots that can perform surgery, cannot come up with a way to organize labor, distribute resources, and maintain infrastructure and vital industry in a way that does not depend on the perpetual existence of an uneducated majority driven by fear?

Does care, love, and compassion really exist in a world where the competition between smartphone brands gets more attention than the violence and upheaval erupting as more and more people become unable to contain their frustration with the struggle to find a way to support themselves and their families?

If you can relate to this blog and find yourself questioning why the way we live seems to not make any sense, I suggest joining us in the Journey to Life as we walk the process of questioning, investigating, and deconstructing our lives, our minds, and the system that shaped our development, and sharing this with the world through the written word to demonstrate that we as humans are in fact capable of changing. Humanity is on a path of self sabotage. It's easy to fall into that trap when you are trapped in a life of survival, of living paycheck to paycheck. It's easy to escape in alcohol, in entertainment, in drugs, in distraction. It's a challenge to stand up and question the world in a constructive and practical way. And in fact it is a skill that must be developed. But it is far more rewarding and satisfying to become part of the solution than giving up and settling for self diminishment and frustration.

In a world that seems too fucked up to change, to constricting to break free of, too far gone to care about, we need to find the passion for life within ourselves, and share it with the world.

After all, if we don't stand up in every Breath for the dignity, expression, expansion, and potential of all life, and find a way to Walk ourselves out of this mess, then we're just the Walking Dead.

Saturday, April 4, 2015

Day 292: The Origin of Anger in My Life Part 3: Understanding my Relationship with Anger

Something I realized recently about the role anger and rage has played in my life, is how it has primarily reared its head in scenarios in which I am faced with something I don't in that moment see and understand how to direct; a problem I don't immediately see a solution to. Specifically what I found is that key to why this happens, is that I had walked into that scenario within SOME point of expectation. What I mean by this is that, within me I had attached some point of want, desire, value to a particular outcome. The outcome could be either an actual possible outcome, or an IDEA of an outcome. Primarily what I've found in the nature of how I form expectations, is that I tend to form expectations attached to wanting an outcome based in the POTENTIAL I see in something. You see, in walking my process over the past few years and really getting to know my natural skills, capacities, strengths, expressions, I've found that what comes naturally to me is seeing the potential of what something can be become in terms of its highest Expression. This can be applied to for example looking at a concept for an art piece, or taking an outline or rough version of a song and seeing how that concept could be expressed, presented, placed in reality with impact, with effect. Or also for example during times when I've had the opportunity to coach people with singing, I find I can see the potential of what their voice could be developed into. Or another example would be working in business with creating a brand for a product, looking at the product and seeing how it could be presented in a way through branding, through images, through words that effectively convey its value, its expression as a product within the world; how to give it impact. And with myself for instance, I've come to see how my natural abilities and features such as my voice, my speaking skills, my ability to work with people and teach others, all lend themselves well to leadership in business, to sales, to education. And in seeing this I've come to see that my potential necessitates I take responsibility to develop the practical skills required to LIVE this potential in the world.

However, what I've found that I do NOT naturally possess, is the patience, discipline, and very structured, methodical and consistent focus and DRIVE to walk the practical steps from beginning to COMPLETION, in relation to working with the tools, the mediums required to be worked with to actually bring something from potential, from idea, from concept, into a finished product. I've found this for instance with things that require an intensive and lengthy learning curve, or a high degree of technical understanding and theory, or a lot of time spent doing small, highly specialized actions that EVENTUALLY culminate in a finished product. I've always tended to find ways of doing things that give me a more immediate result, a more immediate experience of seeing a creation being brought to life. For example coaching singing is something I enjoy because it's very much about being here with a person and working with them in real time, getting to a result through speaking, using my hands, directly sharing insights and pointers, and demonstrating things for them. Coming up with lyrics and music for songs is also something I enjoy - that process of playing around and having a song open up, an expression open up. But then - that process of spending a lot of time and detailed, methodical work with a computer program to actually get the expression into FORM in this reality as a produced song --- that part I tend to not enjoy as much. Though, a dynamic I have really enjoyed is working with a producer, like I did with Fidelis Spies on the Desteni farm, where he was the one primarily in charge of the production, recording, mixing, and mastering, and where I would share my input, make suggestions, learn from him, and we'd work together until the project came together as a finished product. 

But, typically what I've faced in my life is that when I am faced with being in a position where I have to do that kind of highly technical, methodical, time intensive stuff on my own, and there is a lot of problem solving and troubleshooting and things that go wrong and obstacles that appear unexpectedly -- this is when I've tended to react to things and get frustrated and angry very easily! I've had a pattern of walking into such a situation wanting to see and experience a RESULT, or a specific outcome NOW, and wanting to be able to focus primarily on the aspects of a project that I have a natural expression with -- which is the conceptual stuff, the potential, the image, the sound -- I tend to walk into a project with this intense desire to EXPERIENCE what I see the finished product could be, and I see that I've attached a positive value to the things I am naturally good at like singing, conceptualizing, opening up an expression - while I've attached a negative value to the methodical, time intensive, technically oriented aspects of actually bringing that expression into reality. 

Because of these expectations, desires, and values I've been walking with, I've tended to get frustrated and angry very quickly when it comes to the practical LIVING of my potential. My starting point has been very much aligned to reacting to problems, obstacles, TIME, because within defining my expression and value only through those things I can experience more immediately, I've basically set up a relationship where, if something takes a long time, or presents me with obstacles and problems I don't immediately see how to overcome, within my mind I'll perceive the event as something that is TAKING something from me, something that is HOLDING ME BACK -- I'll blame the point and see it as a problem, and then get angry, frustrated, and give up and stop trying. The problem then is that I'll suppress that expression that I was working on bringing into reality, and end up spending my time doing other things, which in turn eventually results in me getting depressed and MORE angry and creating this bitterness within myself, because I am perceiving / feeling that I am being PREVENTED from expressing myself, from living my full potential, because there's all this stuff that 'I can't do', and 'that's too hard', and 'that I'm not good at'.

BUT! This whole thing is really not necessary because, what I see is that all I need to do is - let go of the expectation, let go of the desire for that projected / imagined EXPERIENCE of the outcome / finished product, and embrace / stand one and equal with the actual REALITY of what I am working with, which is that -- hey, things are NOT immediate like I want them to be. The reality is that -- the actual PROBLEM that is holding me back: is ME! I create my own experience of being held back and limited by 'all these obstacles', because I keep wanting to experience the result, the finished product, the potential NOW, and - then when reality doesn't support me in getting this experience = I react and experience / believe I am being limited by my reality, instead of seeing and realizing that I am the one trying to force reality to conform to my own limited expectations.

The reality is that I have to embrace how things actually work, let go of expectations and desires, and become SOLUTION oriented. The reality is that, I DO see what is required to be done to bring my potential, and the potential of a certain projects into reality, into living expression, but to do this I have to make peace with, and stand one and equal with what is really HERE in my hands, in space time reality, that's required to be walked to get to that point of completion / fulfillment. When I'm not FIGHTING the reality of what needs to be done, then I open myself up to LEARN and be able to MOVE myself within discipline, patience, and self enjoyment, able to walk those methodical, technical steps without reacting and getting frustrated - and supporting myself by seeking out assistance from others if necessary!

Not having seen this point before, has been probably the SINGLE biggest factor in why I have struggled so much with anger in my life. It has been my single biggest weakness. But within this I also see that in CHANGING myself, becoming solution oriented, letting go of my expectations and desires and imagined outcomes, I am then in a position where I can stand one and equal with my reality, and become able to really take the time to explore what resources, what tools, what people can I use to assist and support myself effectively in the process of bringing my potential to LIFE. And within such a starting point, I see I can transform this weakness into a strength -- where instead of FIGHTING my reality, sabotaging myself through anger and frustration, giving up and believing it is reality that is the problem, and trapping myself in the cycle of DESIRE for an experience, and fearing to miss out / lose that experience, I stand one and equal with my reality - I let go of the SELF INTEREST which SEPARATES me from reality, separates me from my ability to LIVE -- the self interest being my expectations, desires, the WANTING of an experience, and I allow myself to accept the Self Responsibility required to be taken, to actually walk my potential into CREATION, into Fulfillment. The point I am walking with is the point of transforming Self-Sabotage into Self Fulfillment. 

I know there are many, many others out there who experience the exact same point, and indeed aren't we as Humanity faced with this exact same point? Aren't we sabotaging our potential, our future, our expression, our well being, our very planet and resources, through holding onto the values, the desires, the expectations, the dreams, the wants, the experiences we've defined ourselves by? I mean, we're literally allowing ourselves to destroy each other and destroy our environment because we're unwilling to look beyond WHAT WE WANT NOW. And in being this way, we're closing ourselves off from being able to see SOLUTIONS, from being able to see the VALUE in each other, from being able to see that when we stand together and GIVE to each other - then we each have what we need to reach our fullest potential. Just as I see in myself, that in giving up the desires and expectations and experiences I've defined myself by, I am then able to GIVE myself the gift of being able to take Self Responsibility to do what is required to being my fullest potential into Living Expression -- from creating a song, to building my business, to being able to assist and support myself to be solution and SUPPORT oriented in all aspects of my relationships. 

In order for me to see and realize all this, I walked a path that brought me close to the point of self sabotage, where, as I described in my first post in this series, I trapped myself into SURVIVAL within the cycle of desire, hope, expectation, tied in with fear of losing / missing out on what I want, reacting more and more when I would encounter an obstacle, a failure, something not going as I expected, and locking myself into the pattern of Rage as the release of suppressed accumulated reactions. I came close to getting to a point where my anger would have made it impossible to continue developing my Agreement with my partner, and which would have led me further and further away from living my natural self expression. 

I do not recommend the path of self sabotage, as that path is what leads to all kinds of Consequences like giving up on relationships, giving up on career paths, giving up on your education, giving up on your natural self expression, developing self destructive behavior.

I instead recommend the path of Self Honesty, Self Forgiveness, and Self Corrective writing and application. Without these tools I would not have been able to identify the underlying causes of my anger experiences, see the way forward, and be able to share any of what I'm sharing now.

In posts to come I will walk through earlier events in my life and show how they influenced the formation of the desires, expectations, and self definitions through which I set myself up to walk the path of self sabotage, and within this show how such a path could be prevented earlier in life, and how there are ways of understanding your world, understanding others, and how through developing this understanding, this practical awareness, one can transcend the pattern of emotional reaction, suppression, and struggle, and expand yourself beyond what you thought you were limited to.