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Sunday, August 30, 2015

Day 307: Earth: Red Pill - Heaven: Blue Pill



What do you do when you get emotional, experience conflict, get frustrated, get depressed, get stressed? Irritated? When the world gets you down? When you're bored?

Do you access an experience? What is the name of the experience?

Love?
Light?
Silence?
Oneness?
God?
Angels?
Masters?
Ascension?
Peace?

Take a moment to look at the experience you use. Are there pictures / visuals associated with the experience? What do you see in your head? Images? Colors?

What's the story behind your experience? Is the positive nature of the experience tied in with a form of belief that, in spite of all the 'bad stuff', there is something, someone, some greater force looking out for you, or some brighter, better, happier place waiting for you in this life or when you die?

If someone presented you with two pills - a blue pill that if swallowed, would whisk you away from the Earth into your preferred heaven - or a red pill that, if swallowed, would cause you to live here, in your physical body on Earth forever, which pill would you choose?

In choosing the blue pill, what would be your starting point? To escape? What are you wanting to escape?

Would you resist choosing the red pill? Why? What comes up in your mind at the prospect of remaining here on Earth in your physical body forever?

In choosing the red pill, what would you do with your time here? Would you be satisfied living as you are now, with everything that exists in your, in your mind now, forever on Earth?

Would you be able to walk with Humanity, with all that is here on Earth, within absolute conviction that you will be able to create a new world, free of abuse and inequality?

What is your purpose? What do you live for?

Are you a Spiritual Being having a Human Experience?

Or are you a Fearful being having a Religious experience?

Do you follow the religion of an experience that helps you cope with being here? Are we getting 'enlightened'? Are we 'awakening'? Or are we just creating the same construct of religion over and over and over again - just with different pictures and words?

What is the nature of the Idea of some form of Heaven? Isn't is the place you want to End up in when HaveEnded?

The Idea of Heaven is that it's like - the 'best place' you can be, the place you want to be, the place you want to end up in, in the end.

So, doesn't that make this life, this Earth - actually the representation of Hell in the mind of someone living for Heaven?

When we say we want to change the world and have peace and oneness on Earth - how can we really ever commit ourselves to doing what it takes to make that a reality, when within the very Idea of Heaven as the 'non physical world' in some form -- we are stating that Earth is Hell? That Earth is, and always be - 'less than Heaven'?

The funny thing is though - Heaven is in your mind. Heaven is the mind because that's where you're free to free yourself from the things you don't like about this life, through dreaming up whatever you want. Yet, your mind is in your physical body, on Earth. The Earth was here first, your physical body was here first. Then you installed words, stories, and beliefs as a response to everything you don't like about this life, this world and -- *poof*; Heaven was born. Born from Hell.

At Desteni we take the Red Pill. Because we have made the decision that our Destiny is not to escape what we Fear Here - but to Create Heaven Here. What will you choose? Who will you be at the end of this life?
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Saturday, August 29, 2015

Day 306: Do you have an inferiority complex?



Do you experience inferiority around people who are of a 'higher status' of education, income level, profession?

Do you feel a lack of confidence, nervousness, anxiety when speaking and interacting with people that are of a 'higher status' than you?

Do you notice that the people who you feel most confident and comfortable around, are actually people that you feel superior to in some way?

Do you resist interacting with people that you see as superior to you?

Does your heart race with fear when someone behaves aggressively or dominantly toward you?

Have your relationships in life tended to be with people who are submissive?

If your answer is yes, then you probably share the same definition of 'Confidence' that I realized I was living.

The way I was living 'Confidence', was as an experience of superiority / feeling more than another. And, what I found in looking at where this came from, was that it originated in the experience of inferiority / less than, that I would experience around certain people. A few years ago I got into sales, marketing educational software direct to families. I realized that what would happen is that whenever I'd do a presentation for someone that stood within a point of superiority in terms of status in the system, I would get nervous, anxious, and would feel that I have no confidence in what I'm doing. And I realized that when I'm doing a presentation for someone who, in some way I am able to see myself as superior to, I would be comfortable around them, and would feel 'confident'.

This obviously isn't a practical definition of 'confidence', because it meant that I could only do my presentation effectively around people who don't trigger an inferiority experience in me.

What I realized is that, even though someone may be practically 'superior' to me in terms their status in the system -- and even though they may very well see me as / experience me as inferior to them --- that's not the reason I feel inferior. The reason I feel inferior is my own self judgments. And, where, within this underlying starting-point negative experience of inferiority, it was like a statement of 'I don't fit into this moment', and wherein I therefore manifested myself / designed myself into needing / wanting to control my relationships / interactions in a way where I would avoid the negative / inferiority -- which I could only do by being able to place myself in the position of being superior in some way -- where, I would then 'Fit in' to the moment.

I realized this is also something I experienced in my immediate relationships, not just business interactions. Where, if my partner would for example become the dominant point in a conversation or interaction, I would access inferiority and within that - activate the need to control the moment / interaction to remain within the dominant / superior position - to protect myself from the negative experience.

I'm sure many can relate to this experience, where you then create conflict in your relationships when you're used to being the dominant one, and then you find yourself reacting intensely in a moment where your partner or friend or family member or coworker becomes the dominant point in some way -- and, it's all because of the underlying starting point negative self-experience of inferiority created by self's own self judgments and definitions. Where, within that moment you have to protect yourself from feeling inferior, and thus control the moment to make sure the other recognizes / accepts you as being right / correct / valid, etc. Because otherwise, you have the experience of 'noooo! this moment is not going right! This is not what I fit into!'

So in my next post I will share Self Forgiveness that I've been walking in my recent DIP assignment, which assisted me to identify this construct of 'confidence as superiority', and share also how I've redefined the word Confidence for myself, and within that how I'm going to assist and support myself to change myself when facing scenarios in which I would access inferiority in the past, where instead of existing within a survival construct in the mind within living for and as energy as the constant cycle of negative to positive -- I'm going to assist and support myself to get Here into my physical body within such scenarios / moments, and walk myself into physical self-stability, to no longer depend on / require an energetic stability of 'superiority' built upon a foundational starting point of inferiority.

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Friday, August 21, 2015

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Day 304: The Origin of Anger in my Life Part 6: The Well Mannered Boy

Continuing from the last post in this series:

Day 299: The Origin of Anger in My Life Part 5: Beginning of Self Image Continued
http://www.matterfreeman.com/2015/05/day-299-origin-of-anger-in-my-life-part.html

"What I identified in looking at the kinds of experiences that I 'took to heart' the most in these years, is that the kind of things I would 'feel bad' about, or feel sad about, or feel confused and frustrated about, is things where I'm being seen as not good enough, or as stupid, or as 'misbehaving'.

And what I found in looking at why I took these kinds of things personally so much, is that I had always seen myself as a good person, as a talented person, as a likable person, as a nice person. These things were like, big parts of my Self Image. Oh and another point of Self Image that started to take a hit at this stage in my life was that of seeing myself as a smart person. I mean I had always enjoyed school and done well up to that point, but in middle school is when I started to experience a struggle to understand a lot of the math and science subjects in particular, and within this starting to compare myself to the other kids who were doing better than me and so, all of a sudden I didn't feel so smart anymore, lol.

So going back to my earlier childhood, I'm going to continue in the next post with looking at where these Self Image points started forming in terms of, how did I act, what did I do and say, and what feedback and values did I receive and accept from people in my environment, that caused me to start defining myself as a 'good person', and as a 'nice person', and as a 'smart person', and as a 'talented person'."


So I'm going to start with the self-image point of being a nice, likable, good person, in looking at how I came to define myself as such.

When I look back at my early childhood, when I was quite young I took violin lessons, and interestingly enough, the method that the particular violin school used, involved teaching students certain 'performance etiquette' such as bowing to the audience before and after a performance. Now, as a child I was obviously taught things like 'please and thank you', and was learning to say things like 'good morning', and stuff like that. And, I guess you could say something of and in my beingness like, took to being 'polite', and 'well mannered' quite naturally. There's this funny story, which I remember quite well, of how one time my mom's relative was staying at our house maybe when I was 3 or 4 years old, and this was around the time I was taking violin lessons actually. Anyway one morning I am in the hallway by the foot of the stairs, and my mom's relative, Liisa, appears at the top of the stairs. So I proceed to place my hands at my sides, execute a small bow and say 'good morning Liisa'. lol. And, I remember this quite clearly. Looking back at my childhood I can remember in general being perhaps, more 'well mannered' than the average young child, and this has been confirmed through my parents as well, lol. It simply was something that came naturally to me.

Anyway, within this, over the course of time obviously such behavior gets recognized by one's parents and other adults, and basically what I see is that at a certain stage I began to see myself / experience myself as being a 'good boy', and a 'polite boy'. And I clearly see a positive value judgment placed within this kind of behavior, where - such behavior became like, a point of pride for me. Now I can see that within this I actually enjoyed the experience of receiving positive feedback / recognition from my parents, and eventually I see I even started comparing myself to my brother and sister, and seeing that I was more 'well mannered' and 'well behaved' than they were. And, this point of comparison and judging my 'well mannered behavior' within a 'positive light' is something that I started to, consciously in my mind define myself within. It became a point of Self-Image - that which I See myself as. That which I define as 'me'.

Now it's important to recognize within this that, though at first such behavior may have been 'innocent' - without any comparison or judgment of it being 'positive', I eventually, even at a very young age, began to define myself through the whole package of the behavior along with the positive feedback and recognition from my parents, where - I felt good about myself / proud of myself for 'being polite' -- and it became a personality; something that I would deliberately do in a calculated way in order to receive positive feedback and reward from others in my environment.

In the next post in this series I will explore further dimensions of this personality / self image point, and then we'll get into the next self-image point.

Saturday, July 11, 2015

Day 303: Using TV shows to get to know your own mind

So an interesting thing that I've noticed in watching TV shows, is that wherever we experience what the character is experiencing; like if the character is in a situation where they are having a positive experience or a negative experience or reacting to someone or something - if they're having this experience 'on screen', and we're also having this experience with them as if we're in that situation, and we can really relate to what they're going through, and we're feeling that 'up', or that 'down', or that reaction = what that's showing us is how that emotional design, or that feeling design, or that reactive design, or pattern, is existent within ourselves. Because I mean we're only seeing a picture on a screen wiht words being spoken, scenarios playing out, and it's as though we were actually ourselves in that scenario. It's the same trigger points as if we were in that situation and 'that person' was saying that same thing to us, or this or that thing that's happening on screen, was happening to us = we would react the same way as the character is reacting.

If we're watching a character on screen experience something, or go through something, and we're experiencing emotions, thoughts, reactions, and we're kind of feeling as though we ARE that character, that's only showing us what exists in ourselves, in our own minds as designs and constructs of thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Because, it's not like some kind of 'universal thing', where if you see someone in that situation, or experiencing this or that circumstance happening to them, like we do watching TV and movies, that it just 'makes sense' that we will experience through the characters what they're going through - as if the scenario itself 'contains' a feeling or emotional experience that we're 'tapping into'. When, it's not like that actually. The scenario itself does not contain an experience of feeling, emotion, reaction, fear, desire, thoughts. Like, no matter how bad or horrible of an event is happening to the character, or no matter how good and positive an event is happening to the character, that scene itself, that scenario being depicted does not contain the power to influence and create an experience inside yourself. The experience exists in ourselves, as how WE OURSELVES would react, or feel, or think, or behave in that situation. Which is why different people will relate to different characters. If we find ourselves 'getting behind' and supporting a certain character more than another, it's because they are aligned to some personality or self definition that exists in ourselves. Like, you can see wherever you find yourself taking the 'side' of a particular character over another.

This is especially easy to see in watching shows that are very much based on like, 'real life' relationships and dramas. You know, you spend many episodes, many seasons watching this main character of the show going through all kinds of stuff. And, you find that you are wanting things to 'work out' for the character. Like, if the character is facing some adversity, or perhaps another character has abused them, or has deceived them in some way, or is wanting to harm them -- and you're FEELING like you want that main character to get out of that situation. You want them to 'get back' at the other character for instance - you want them to WIN, and you want the other characters who are going against your character's interests -- to LOSE!
It's like, when you experience any form of a DESIRE for one person to WIN and the other to LOSE, or for events to go in the direction of supporting one character's interests over another character's interests. That's showing what YOU would experience in that situation. You would be experiencing that anger, or that frustration, that desire for revenge, for instance. Or you'd be experiencing that love, that feeling, that relief, when things work out and the character gets what they want.

It's like everything you experience about what's happening on the screen is showing where there's a personality design, a behavior design, a reaction design, a feeling design, an emotional
design that exists in your own mind.

So what I find really interesting is to, when I'm watching a show and I'm seeing within myself that experiences are coming up in me about what the character is going through, and I find myself like 'rooting' for the character's goals and interests, and wanting to see the other character's interests not fulfilled. You know if I'm like 'backing and supporting' one of the characters and wanting their line of interest to come out on top, wanting to see one character 'win' and another 'lose', what is that showing about me? It's showing where I still have judgments, desires, self definitions, where I still have points where I would blame another for something, where I still have points where I would react emotionally in that situation if that were to happen to ME.

A the end of the day, or rather - at the end of the episode, lol -- what I judge and who I judge and what I experience of and toward the characters and scenes on the screen - is what I experience in fact in 'real life' toward real people and within real circumstances. Or for instance when I really like a show because the character is like, living out 'my fantasy life' of maybe a particular career, or relationship, or status - and I use the show to stimulate myself to 'live that life' through the character -- that's showing me that that 'fantasy' still exists in me -- even when I'm not watching the show.

And so watching TV shows and movies can be quite supportive as a tool for identifying where there are still personality designs, reactive designs, emotional designs, fantasies, desires, comparisons, points of blame, points of judgment, points of wanting revenge, points of wanting to win and see another lose. It's very supportive in showing where such points exist in me, even down to the specific trigger points of words, actions, circumstances. And, in becoming aware of this, I can then in the moment as I see these kinds of things coming up in me as I'm watching, I can stop for a moment and take a look to see - oh okay there's this design I'm accessing here, this judgment, this desire, etc, and this is why I'm experiencing apparently 'what the character is experiencing'. So then I breathe, I apply self forgiveness within myself, or make a note of it and write it out later, I let go of that point. And then I look at the scene again from an equal and one starting point. Meaning, what does this scene, this scenario look like, how do I see this differently when I'm not invested in the interests of one or the other character? When I'm rather looking at the whole picture, all the characters, all the different personalities of the characters, and I look at it not from a starting point of judging one character as deserving to win and another character as deserving to lose, but rather looking at each character as myself, standing one and equal with the whole scenario. What I find interesting in this is that I start to see more of what's shaping each character's behavior and decisions, and looking at why is this situation playing out? How did this scenario come to manifest? What is the starting point acceptances and allowances and self definitions of each of the characters, that's creating this dynamic of this 'drama'? I'm able to look at the scene and the characters objectively, considering for example what kind of background and education and upbringing did the characters have that influenced who and what they've become?

Like, most shows have a 'good guy', and a 'bad guy' character. And the show is written in a way where the goal is for the viewer to become 'emotionally invested' in the good guy, and to judge the 'bad guy'. And I mean this is only possible through utilizing the personality designs, wants, desires, hopes, and self definitions of the viewer.

But what if you let go of that emotional investment? What if you stop wanting the main character to 'win', and the 'bad guy' to lose? Well to do that is interesting because it actually puts you in a position where you have to take responsibility for your own mind, your own interests, wants, hopes, fantasies, judgments -- and change yourself, to start looking at the story from a starting point of understanding each character, rather than using the characters to fuel and generate energy experiences used as entertainment. Like for exampe you can now look at the 'bad guy', and ask yourself - hmm, how did he come to be how he is? What acceptances and allowances and self definitions are directing his behavior, his decisions?And, with self honesty and self forgiveness, this is possible. I can use the story as an opportunity to identify where I still have points of self definition where I can change myself and remove those designs, to be able to stand one and equal with the different characters and view everything without judgment, investigating the relationships and understanding the behavior, the decisions, and the factors that shaped each character's mind and inner processes. So TV shows and movies offer an opportunity to simulate scenarios, relationships, circumstances, behaviors as if we were experiencing them ourselves, and get to know the details of our own minds through working with whatever experiences come up inside ourselves toward the pictures we're watching. Try it out. Change your starting point within entertainment! Use it as an opportunity to get to know your own mind and change yourself without having to actually experience the scenario in 'real life'. Happy watching!

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Day 302: What are Irreconcilable Differences and can they be Changed? Part 1

What are "irreconcilable differences"? It's a term often cited in divorce proceedings as the reason for ending a marriage.

Here's the dictionary definition of irreconcilable:
"representing findings or points of view that are so different from each other that they cannot be made compatible."

In looking at this definition, looking at my past experiences with being in relationships that ended, and also looking at examples of people I know, as well as examples I've seen in movies and TV, this point of "having different points of view that cannot be made compatible" is quite accurate I would say.

What are some of the experiences that we typically have that lead us to decide to end relationships? What are some of the reactions and emotions that start to occur more and more frequently, and build to a point where one or both partners feel like they just can't stand to be with the other anymore? Where we feel like "we're just TOO different to get along?" Where we feel like "I just CAN'T be happy with this person?"

Arguments? Frustration? Annoyance? Disgust? Resentment? Blame? So what leads to these conflicts and arguments and experiences of annoyance and frustration and disgust with each other?

So what are these experiences ABOUT anyway? What triggers them? What are the "differences" in each other that end up being irreconcilable?

Let's look at some common themes from my own experiences and from what I've seen in other relationships:
  • Having different preferences / expectations / skill level in relation to cleanliness / housework / chores.
  • Having different preferences / expectations / wants in relation to spending time with each other / spending time with friends / spending time on personal interests.
  • Having different ideas / dreams / expectations / goals / desires for the future.
  • Having different wants / expectations / ideas about how time should be spend in relation to work and career vs. the relationship.
  • Wanting to have kids vs. not wanting to have kids.
  • Having different religious or political beliefs.
  • Having different styles / interests in clothes / music / art / culture.
  • Having different wants / desires / expectations in relation to sex and physical intimacy.
  • Having different ideas / expectations / wants in relation to sharing and communication.
  • Having different ideas / expectations / wants about male / female roles and responsibilities in the relationship.
Interesting, so this is obviously not a complete list, but it's interesting to see how having different points of view about things plays such a huge role in the manifestation of conflict between partners. It's clearly important that we understand the nature of Point of View because it's Point of View that leads to behavior, actions, words, decisions that - in many cases create consequences that can be harmful mentally, emotionally, and physically.

So what is our point of view? What I've learned in my experience is that your Point of View really encompasses what you have defined as the Point-Of-You. That which you see as Who you Are - your Individuality, your Self, your Identity, your Purpose. Your Self Definition. Your Point-Of-You becomes the way you make decisions, how you respond to the behavior of others, the way you view your world - that which decides what you will do in the next moment--- that which Points You to the next Point. And...hmmmm also what leads us to Point fingers at each other, when our partner does not fulfill the expectations and ideas we had about what THEIR point should be in relation to OUR point.

So the question is, what of our Point of View is Changeable - and what is not? How can we approach our different points of view from a practical starting point? Is the purpose of our existence and relationships on Earth to simply protect and survive as the points of view we've accumulated and formed from birth? Is that who we really are? Is that the extent of our Individuality? What's the real Point of relationships? Can we become something more?

I'll continue in the next post with sharing some examples of what I've learned about myself through changing my starting point in relation to my point of view.

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