Saturday, October 25, 2014

Day 276: Stuck in the Comfort Zone Part 3: Defining Self as "Unique and Different" - Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define creativity with art and music as something that makes you unique and different from other humans

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the expression of artists and musicians are of more value and 'uniqueness' than other humans who are not artists or musicians

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I was a child and still in school, compare myself to others and define myself as 'different and unique' because I was more naturally good at art and music than others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when and as I experienced others praising and complimenting me for my art and music, believe that I must be very different and unique, and that I must be a 'special kind of person' because of my skills with art and music -- instead of realizing and seeing that this was just an interpretation, where I took the voice tonalities, facial expressions, and specific words like 'gifted', and 'special', and 'talented' that I heard, and interpreted it through an positive reaction / feeling within myself, where -- I took these sounds, pictures, and words to mean that, since people are responding to me like this, but not to others around me, that must mean I am different, special, unique, and of more value than others -- and thus defined myself in this way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that artistic and musically talented people are here to live a life where, that's all they are required to do -- just art and music --- instead of realizing that I had formed this idea because, from a young age -- I did not develop an awareness and understanding of the actuality of the world I am in, the practical reality I am faced with, in terms of the Earth, the world system, jobs, money, the mind, how thoughts, feelings, and emotions are formed -- I did not develop within a standing, and seeing of myself as Life -- as equal and one with All Here in and as this world and reality, but rather saw myself and experienced myself separate from Life, from others, from All, from what is HERE -- through the eyes of only my experience of doing art and music and the feedback I got from it -- I saw the world only through and as my self definition / ideas and beliefs about myself I formed through interpreting feedback and sounds and words from others in my environment

Within this, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define art, music -- creativity, as being something that is separate from others, and does not exist in others, but only exists within 'different' and 'unique' people -- instead of seeing and realizing that, in essence, expression is of Life, from Life, and that Life is that which we all should be, Here, Equal -- where, our Expression may be unique, but we are the SAME as Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define Who I Am as an 'artist', instead of realizing that who I really am is -- Life Here

Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest myself within and as a relationship toward art and music, based on Emotion and Feeling -- where I formed a FEAR of losing my creativity, losing out on art and music, because I believed that art and music is 'who I am', and thus anything where I would be faced with having to do things that do not allow me to do art and music, is 'not who I am', and within that I would feel like I am 'missing out' on 'who I am' -- and where within this I would then have the DESIRE and fantasy of doing art and music, and be chasing, dreaming about, wishing for this desire to come true -- where, within this what I did was to trap myself in a pattern of -- never taking action to actually create a life for myself in which I am able to do art and music to the extent / potential I could -- never living to my full potential -- because I believed / experienced that doing things that don't involve art and music -- is 'compromising who I am'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that, from a young age I was so preoccupied with imagining what I could do, imagining my potential, visualizing what I'd like to do, but didn't understand the process of actually bringing such things into existence through LIVING and participating fully in physical reality within actual disciplined, consistent movement -- where, I compromised and limited myself because I believed that what I want, should be given to me and just 'happen' because I am apparently 'different' and 'unique' in my creativity - and thus never developed the point of setting goals and doing whatever it takes to achieve them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that in defining myself within the idea that art and music makes me 'different' and 'unique', and believing that that idea is who I am, that I am not in fact living for / as self expression -- this idea does not in fact support me in living my creativity fully -- because it's just a system - a definition through which I manifested a relationship toward myself / other / the world through and as my mind, separating myself from MYSELF as life, as self expression, through believing that the feeling I get from an idea about myself is who I am

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize and see how my vision became tunneled to focus only on desiring and wanting things to happen according to my idea of myself, and wherein I would substantiate my idea of myself each time I would experience a resistance toward doing something, or I would feel good about something I imagine / want to happen -- where I believed that because I resist 'non art' things, that means that my idea of myself is 'real' -- I really am 'different and unique', and since I feel good when I'd imagine things going 'the way I want' and I feel good when I am doing art and music -- my idea of myself is 'real' -- 'this must be what I am supposed to do and what's supposed to happen in my life'

Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to resist and not want to do 'non art and music' things, through how I defined myself within the idea that 'who I am is unique and different', wherein 'experiencing myself as unique and different' became my primary definition of myself, the way I saw myself as 'who I am' in this world

Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the world, to blame money, to blame the education system, to blame society, to blame others, for my emotional experience of apathy and feeling disempowered and limited, instead of realizing that I created the experience myself, through how I had defined myself, and that the reason I would keep coming back to this emotional experience, is because I was still holding onto and seeing myself through the idea that I am 'unique and different', within having believed what I had accepted from a young age, as the idea that creativity, art and musical talent, makes me 'different and unique' --- oh and another word pops up here, which is 'privileged'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that those with a creative ability within art and music, are 'privileged', and do not have to do what everyone else does

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have a privilege and right to 'only do art and music'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a comfort zone around doing art and music, through believing that art and music is 'who I am' --- instead of realizing that, as Life, as a Breath, Here, in and as the Physical -- I am not limited to 'only do art and music', but I am able to in fact physically move and participate and develop skills and take action, to expand myself and live not according to a comfort zone, but according to -- what's self honestly effective to do and supports me to live fully as LIFE within my potential of assisting and supporting in bringing about a world that is best for all

I commit myself to show how creativity is not something 'special', but is within everyone, and that to really honor creativity, would be to create a world where we all give each other the means to discover and explore our creativity - a world where everyone's needs are met and none go without -- and that this is the priority point of responsibility we face in this world,

I commit myself to show that within this, a process of change is required to be walked, with self honesty and self forgiveness, so that we can realign our starting point to Life and get rid of any self ideas, self beliefs, self definitions that create self-programs that limit us to consider only self interest

I commit myself to show how emotions and feelings don't indicate what's real, what's really LIFE, but only indicate where and how we've separated ourselves from ourselves as Life, and thus separated ourselves from actual Self Expression through an Illusion called Consciousness which is what we experience as our thoughts, feelings, emotions, desires, fears we Build from our Self Definitions

I commit myself to remind myself that I am not this idea of being 'unique and different', but that who I am is life

I commit myself to show that in removing the idea of being 'unique and different', I do not lose my ability to do art and music - I do not lose myself - I simply give up a Character that only existed in my mind as Energy - as feelings and self image - and in giving this up - I open up the door to expand myself beyond the limitations of that character

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Day 275: Stuck in the Comfort Zone - Part 2: 'I'm not made for this world'

Continuing from:
Day 274: Stuck in the Comfort Zone

In my last post I started describing the point of change that I'm facing, which is to really live fully in taking action to create an effective life for myself -- which, within how the world exists at the moment, starts with establishing financial stability. And, in my case, in order to really make the best use of the time I have in this life, in the journey to bring about a world that is best for all, I require a substantial income. Establishing this substantial income requires that I step outside of my comfort zone - which, has always been a challenge for me in my life, in regards to jobs and making money.

In the last post I described how fear of failure plays a role in the resistance I experience toward taking effective action and stopping postponement, but I would say that the actual primary experience that I see I allow to stand in my way, is the experience of apathy. I developed an apathy toward the effort and time commitment and risk taking required with really getting myself 'into the system' effectively. This is primarily because I had always had a desire to pursue creativity within me, and yet I didn't have the patience to wait and deal with jobs, college, rules, qualifications -- I wanted to be able to do it 'now', and I tended to view the system, to view the requirement of making money, as a limitation being placed on me, and I had the idea that there must be 'some other way' of being able to live my life -- some other way that supports me in my - I would call it 'free spiritidness'. In looking at this, I would say I always had the view of myself, the idea of myself that I am 'unique', and that I am not 'made for this world', and so always expected and believed there 'must be another way'.

So, looking at this idea of myself as 'unique', and 'not made for this world', I can see this has played the primary role in me forming an apathetic experience toward work, toward rules, toward the time and effort and dedication and discipline required to really get to a point of effective income in this system.

It's interesting because at the farm one time, Bernard asked me what very creative and expressive people like Freddy Mercury and Eminem had in common in their lives. I didn't immediately have an answer. Bernard pointed out that what they had in common is that --- they LIVED.

Since he pointed out this point, my perspective changed, and I've since seen the point of how, if I really am dedicated to my self expression -- I mean, I will do whatever it takes to express myself -- I'll get out there and I'll go for it and I will give it my ALL. This was always something that was missing from myself in my life. I never had a real goal, I never had much motivation. I tended to spend more time imagining what things could be like, rather than really living. And now, I can see this is primarily because of the idea of myself that I am 'unique', and 'not made for this world', and that 'there must be another way for ME'. And I can see how this idea of myself has still been here within me, resulting in me still tending to go into a position of judgment and blame toward 'the system', and going into like, a depressive point where I have no motivation.

So in the next post, I'll walk Self Forgiveness on this idea of myself, and see what self corrections open up from there.

Day 274: Stuck in the Comfort Zone

A primary pattern I've facing, and have been facing for some time, is the point of stopping postponement of the actions I see are required to be taken, and that I in fact have the ability to take, to establish an effective income for myself so that I have the support I need to be able to really do what I see I could do with my life. At this stage my priority option for an effective income is the business I am involved in. However within this business point I am faced with the all the points where I have experienced the most resistance and fears in my life. In order to build my business, I have to step outside of my comfort zone.  

This presents a challenge because throughout my life whenever I'd be faced with stepping outside of my comfort zone into things I've not done before, I will immediately access fear of failure and experience a resistance, and my motivation will drop and I will feel like I just can't move myself to take the next step, and I'll end up passing up opportunities and staying in my comfort zone.

This ends up not being a cool thing at all, because with each point where I don't take an opportunity, don't push myself through a resistance, don't push through the fear of failure and I end up deciding to stick with my comfort zone, I start to accumulate frustration and a feeling of powerlessness. And, the reason I have this experience is because I in fact see that I have the potential to do more, to become more, to expand myself outside of my comfort zone and I see that, if I were to do this consistently - to live without fear, to live fully, to fully go for it whenever an opportunity opens up, I would actually be satisfied, because - I wouldn't be suppressing myself. The fact is, when I give in to a resistance, to a fear of failure, and I stay in my comfort zone -- I am suppressing myself. I am not allowing myself to live. And, what happens is that any small comfort and relief I get from moments where I 'avoid my fear of failure' by not 'going for it' -- really doesn't last and really is not worth it. And what ends up happening is that I start to accumulate more and more frustration, which turns to resentment and anger, where I'll become spiteful within myself, blaming 'things' for being the way they are, and telling myself it's not fair that I must be in this position where I have to do things I would rather not do, in order to reach my potential and establish an effective life.

I my next post I'll continue opening up this point.