Sunday, July 19, 2015

Day 304: The Origin of Anger in my Life Part 6: The Well Mannered Boy

Continuing from the last post in this series:

Day 299: The Origin of Anger in My Life Part 5: Beginning of Self Image Continued
http://www.matterfreeman.com/2015/05/day-299-origin-of-anger-in-my-life-part.html

"What I identified in looking at the kinds of experiences that I 'took to heart' the most in these years, is that the kind of things I would 'feel bad' about, or feel sad about, or feel confused and frustrated about, is things where I'm being seen as not good enough, or as stupid, or as 'misbehaving'.

And what I found in looking at why I took these kinds of things personally so much, is that I had always seen myself as a good person, as a talented person, as a likable person, as a nice person. These things were like, big parts of my Self Image. Oh and another point of Self Image that started to take a hit at this stage in my life was that of seeing myself as a smart person. I mean I had always enjoyed school and done well up to that point, but in middle school is when I started to experience a struggle to understand a lot of the math and science subjects in particular, and within this starting to compare myself to the other kids who were doing better than me and so, all of a sudden I didn't feel so smart anymore, lol.

So going back to my earlier childhood, I'm going to continue in the next post with looking at where these Self Image points started forming in terms of, how did I act, what did I do and say, and what feedback and values did I receive and accept from people in my environment, that caused me to start defining myself as a 'good person', and as a 'nice person', and as a 'smart person', and as a 'talented person'."


So I'm going to start with the self-image point of being a nice, likable, good person, in looking at how I came to define myself as such.

When I look back at my early childhood, when I was quite young I took violin lessons, and interestingly enough, the method that the particular violin school used, involved teaching students certain 'performance etiquette' such as bowing to the audience before and after a performance. Now, as a child I was obviously taught things like 'please and thank you', and was learning to say things like 'good morning', and stuff like that. And, I guess you could say something of and in my beingness like, took to being 'polite', and 'well mannered' quite naturally. There's this funny story, which I remember quite well, of how one time my mom's relative was staying at our house maybe when I was 3 or 4 years old, and this was around the time I was taking violin lessons actually. Anyway one morning I am in the hallway by the foot of the stairs, and my mom's relative, Liisa, appears at the top of the stairs. So I proceed to place my hands at my sides, execute a small bow and say 'good morning Liisa'. lol. And, I remember this quite clearly. Looking back at my childhood I can remember in general being perhaps, more 'well mannered' than the average young child, and this has been confirmed through my parents as well, lol. It simply was something that came naturally to me.

Anyway, within this, over the course of time obviously such behavior gets recognized by one's parents and other adults, and basically what I see is that at a certain stage I began to see myself / experience myself as being a 'good boy', and a 'polite boy'. And I clearly see a positive value judgment placed within this kind of behavior, where - such behavior became like, a point of pride for me. Now I can see that within this I actually enjoyed the experience of receiving positive feedback / recognition from my parents, and eventually I see I even started comparing myself to my brother and sister, and seeing that I was more 'well mannered' and 'well behaved' than they were. And, this point of comparison and judging my 'well mannered behavior' within a 'positive light' is something that I started to, consciously in my mind define myself within. It became a point of Self-Image - that which I See myself as. That which I define as 'me'.

Now it's important to recognize within this that, though at first such behavior may have been 'innocent' - without any comparison or judgment of it being 'positive', I eventually, even at a very young age, began to define myself through the whole package of the behavior along with the positive feedback and recognition from my parents, where - I felt good about myself / proud of myself for 'being polite' -- and it became a personality; something that I would deliberately do in a calculated way in order to receive positive feedback and reward from others in my environment.

In the next post in this series I will explore further dimensions of this personality / self image point, and then we'll get into the next self-image point.

Saturday, July 11, 2015

Day 303: Using TV shows to get to know your own mind

So an interesting thing that I've noticed in watching TV shows, is that wherever we experience what the character is experiencing; like if the character is in a situation where they are having a positive experience or a negative experience or reacting to someone or something - if they're having this experience 'on screen', and we're also having this experience with them as if we're in that situation, and we can really relate to what they're going through, and we're feeling that 'up', or that 'down', or that reaction = what that's showing us is how that emotional design, or that feeling design, or that reactive design, or pattern, is existent within ourselves. Because I mean we're only seeing a picture on a screen wiht words being spoken, scenarios playing out, and it's as though we were actually ourselves in that scenario. It's the same trigger points as if we were in that situation and 'that person' was saying that same thing to us, or this or that thing that's happening on screen, was happening to us = we would react the same way as the character is reacting.

If we're watching a character on screen experience something, or go through something, and we're experiencing emotions, thoughts, reactions, and we're kind of feeling as though we ARE that character, that's only showing us what exists in ourselves, in our own minds as designs and constructs of thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Because, it's not like some kind of 'universal thing', where if you see someone in that situation, or experiencing this or that circumstance happening to them, like we do watching TV and movies, that it just 'makes sense' that we will experience through the characters what they're going through - as if the scenario itself 'contains' a feeling or emotional experience that we're 'tapping into'. When, it's not like that actually. The scenario itself does not contain an experience of feeling, emotion, reaction, fear, desire, thoughts. Like, no matter how bad or horrible of an event is happening to the character, or no matter how good and positive an event is happening to the character, that scene itself, that scenario being depicted does not contain the power to influence and create an experience inside yourself. The experience exists in ourselves, as how WE OURSELVES would react, or feel, or think, or behave in that situation. Which is why different people will relate to different characters. If we find ourselves 'getting behind' and supporting a certain character more than another, it's because they are aligned to some personality or self definition that exists in ourselves. Like, you can see wherever you find yourself taking the 'side' of a particular character over another.

This is especially easy to see in watching shows that are very much based on like, 'real life' relationships and dramas. You know, you spend many episodes, many seasons watching this main character of the show going through all kinds of stuff. And, you find that you are wanting things to 'work out' for the character. Like, if the character is facing some adversity, or perhaps another character has abused them, or has deceived them in some way, or is wanting to harm them -- and you're FEELING like you want that main character to get out of that situation. You want them to 'get back' at the other character for instance - you want them to WIN, and you want the other characters who are going against your character's interests -- to LOSE!
It's like, when you experience any form of a DESIRE for one person to WIN and the other to LOSE, or for events to go in the direction of supporting one character's interests over another character's interests. That's showing what YOU would experience in that situation. You would be experiencing that anger, or that frustration, that desire for revenge, for instance. Or you'd be experiencing that love, that feeling, that relief, when things work out and the character gets what they want.

It's like everything you experience about what's happening on the screen is showing where there's a personality design, a behavior design, a reaction design, a feeling design, an emotional
design that exists in your own mind.

So what I find really interesting is to, when I'm watching a show and I'm seeing within myself that experiences are coming up in me about what the character is going through, and I find myself like 'rooting' for the character's goals and interests, and wanting to see the other character's interests not fulfilled. You know if I'm like 'backing and supporting' one of the characters and wanting their line of interest to come out on top, wanting to see one character 'win' and another 'lose', what is that showing about me? It's showing where I still have judgments, desires, self definitions, where I still have points where I would blame another for something, where I still have points where I would react emotionally in that situation if that were to happen to ME.

A the end of the day, or rather - at the end of the episode, lol -- what I judge and who I judge and what I experience of and toward the characters and scenes on the screen - is what I experience in fact in 'real life' toward real people and within real circumstances. Or for instance when I really like a show because the character is like, living out 'my fantasy life' of maybe a particular career, or relationship, or status - and I use the show to stimulate myself to 'live that life' through the character -- that's showing me that that 'fantasy' still exists in me -- even when I'm not watching the show.

And so watching TV shows and movies can be quite supportive as a tool for identifying where there are still personality designs, reactive designs, emotional designs, fantasies, desires, comparisons, points of blame, points of judgment, points of wanting revenge, points of wanting to win and see another lose. It's very supportive in showing where such points exist in me, even down to the specific trigger points of words, actions, circumstances. And, in becoming aware of this, I can then in the moment as I see these kinds of things coming up in me as I'm watching, I can stop for a moment and take a look to see - oh okay there's this design I'm accessing here, this judgment, this desire, etc, and this is why I'm experiencing apparently 'what the character is experiencing'. So then I breathe, I apply self forgiveness within myself, or make a note of it and write it out later, I let go of that point. And then I look at the scene again from an equal and one starting point. Meaning, what does this scene, this scenario look like, how do I see this differently when I'm not invested in the interests of one or the other character? When I'm rather looking at the whole picture, all the characters, all the different personalities of the characters, and I look at it not from a starting point of judging one character as deserving to win and another character as deserving to lose, but rather looking at each character as myself, standing one and equal with the whole scenario. What I find interesting in this is that I start to see more of what's shaping each character's behavior and decisions, and looking at why is this situation playing out? How did this scenario come to manifest? What is the starting point acceptances and allowances and self definitions of each of the characters, that's creating this dynamic of this 'drama'? I'm able to look at the scene and the characters objectively, considering for example what kind of background and education and upbringing did the characters have that influenced who and what they've become?

Like, most shows have a 'good guy', and a 'bad guy' character. And the show is written in a way where the goal is for the viewer to become 'emotionally invested' in the good guy, and to judge the 'bad guy'. And I mean this is only possible through utilizing the personality designs, wants, desires, hopes, and self definitions of the viewer.

But what if you let go of that emotional investment? What if you stop wanting the main character to 'win', and the 'bad guy' to lose? Well to do that is interesting because it actually puts you in a position where you have to take responsibility for your own mind, your own interests, wants, hopes, fantasies, judgments -- and change yourself, to start looking at the story from a starting point of understanding each character, rather than using the characters to fuel and generate energy experiences used as entertainment. Like for exampe you can now look at the 'bad guy', and ask yourself - hmm, how did he come to be how he is? What acceptances and allowances and self definitions are directing his behavior, his decisions?And, with self honesty and self forgiveness, this is possible. I can use the story as an opportunity to identify where I still have points of self definition where I can change myself and remove those designs, to be able to stand one and equal with the different characters and view everything without judgment, investigating the relationships and understanding the behavior, the decisions, and the factors that shaped each character's mind and inner processes. So TV shows and movies offer an opportunity to simulate scenarios, relationships, circumstances, behaviors as if we were experiencing them ourselves, and get to know the details of our own minds through working with whatever experiences come up inside ourselves toward the pictures we're watching. Try it out. Change your starting point within entertainment! Use it as an opportunity to get to know your own mind and change yourself without having to actually experience the scenario in 'real life'. Happy watching!

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Day 302: What are Irreconcilable Differences and can they be Changed? Part 1

What are "irreconcilable differences"? It's a term often cited in divorce proceedings as the reason for ending a marriage.

Here's the dictionary definition of irreconcilable:
"representing findings or points of view that are so different from each other that they cannot be made compatible."

In looking at this definition, looking at my past experiences with being in relationships that ended, and also looking at examples of people I know, as well as examples I've seen in movies and TV, this point of "having different points of view that cannot be made compatible" is quite accurate I would say.

What are some of the experiences that we typically have that lead us to decide to end relationships? What are some of the reactions and emotions that start to occur more and more frequently, and build to a point where one or both partners feel like they just can't stand to be with the other anymore? Where we feel like "we're just TOO different to get along?" Where we feel like "I just CAN'T be happy with this person?"

Arguments? Frustration? Annoyance? Disgust? Resentment? Blame? So what leads to these conflicts and arguments and experiences of annoyance and frustration and disgust with each other?

So what are these experiences ABOUT anyway? What triggers them? What are the "differences" in each other that end up being irreconcilable?

Let's look at some common themes from my own experiences and from what I've seen in other relationships:
  • Having different preferences / expectations / skill level in relation to cleanliness / housework / chores.
  • Having different preferences / expectations / wants in relation to spending time with each other / spending time with friends / spending time on personal interests.
  • Having different ideas / dreams / expectations / goals / desires for the future.
  • Having different wants / expectations / ideas about how time should be spend in relation to work and career vs. the relationship.
  • Wanting to have kids vs. not wanting to have kids.
  • Having different religious or political beliefs.
  • Having different styles / interests in clothes / music / art / culture.
  • Having different wants / desires / expectations in relation to sex and physical intimacy.
  • Having different ideas / expectations / wants in relation to sharing and communication.
  • Having different ideas / expectations / wants about male / female roles and responsibilities in the relationship.
Interesting, so this is obviously not a complete list, but it's interesting to see how having different points of view about things plays such a huge role in the manifestation of conflict between partners. It's clearly important that we understand the nature of Point of View because it's Point of View that leads to behavior, actions, words, decisions that - in many cases create consequences that can be harmful mentally, emotionally, and physically.

So what is our point of view? What I've learned in my experience is that your Point of View really encompasses what you have defined as the Point-Of-You. That which you see as Who you Are - your Individuality, your Self, your Identity, your Purpose. Your Self Definition. Your Point-Of-You becomes the way you make decisions, how you respond to the behavior of others, the way you view your world - that which decides what you will do in the next moment--- that which Points You to the next Point. And...hmmmm also what leads us to Point fingers at each other, when our partner does not fulfill the expectations and ideas we had about what THEIR point should be in relation to OUR point.

So the question is, what of our Point of View is Changeable - and what is not? How can we approach our different points of view from a practical starting point? Is the purpose of our existence and relationships on Earth to simply protect and survive as the points of view we've accumulated and formed from birth? Is that who we really are? Is that the extent of our Individuality? What's the real Point of relationships? Can we become something more?

I'll continue in the next post with sharing some examples of what I've learned about myself through changing my starting point in relation to my point of view.

Friday, June 5, 2015

Day 300: What's your Purpose in This Life?

Purpose: the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists.

As a Destonian I've decided my Purpose in life, my Reason for being in this world, in this life, is to stop myself existing within and as any thought, behavior, starting point that cannot stand as Life as all as one as equal, in support of outcomes and ways of living that are best for all.

This may sound complicated and 'philosophical', but it's really not.

What's an example of a starting point that is not best for all? How about blame? When one goes into a reaction of blame toward another, there's a judgment taking place, there's the experience within yourself that you're directing toward another, of them being 'bad', 'wrong', 'deserving to be punished / yelled at / made to feel bad' because of something they did or said.

Now, the reality is that whatever happened, there's always a point of practical reality to a situation. For example is the blame related to some actual physical action that created consequence that caused harm to you or another? Or is the blame related to words or actions that merely went against / didn't align to some expectation / desire / belief / definition you had in your mind?

In the first scenario where a person's actions created consequence of some actually physically detrimental nature, usually blame and judgment steps in when you don't understand why someone did what they did, and you take the situation personally and react to it in fear, or in offense. For example let's say a cop shooting someone based on racism. Or maybe your relationship partner or a family member neglects some responsibility and it causes financial detriment in some way. In reality, there's always a practical explanation and reality behind someone's behavior, and there's always a practical solution in terms of - okay now how do I direct myself in relation to what has happened / what actions are required to be taken as a result of this situation happening? In reality, the reaction of blame and judgment doesn't serve any practical purpose. I mean when you understand HOW something happened, and are able to see how to direct a problem to a solution -- you usually don't react to that point, because you have all the information - you have a direct Seeing of the reality you're working with. If you look at the nature of reactions you can see how they're primarily based on points where we don't see the full reality of how and why something came to exist / happen and so the reaction tends to be that of helplessness, loss of control, fear of loss, etc.

And in the scenario where the blame is a result of someone's actions not aligning with something merely in your MIND as a belief, expectation, desire, definition -- the practical reality within that is that you've set yourself up to experience another's words or actions as a problem and go into blame toward them, through having accepted and allowed yourself to define yourself / another / your world through a particular belief, expectation, desire, definition, that obviously your world is not going to always conform to / align to. But, since it's your definition of yourself, you go into blame because when your reality doesn't conform to how you've defined yourself and your world -- you feel invalidated and go into fear of loss, trying to protect your self definitions.

So, the reason why the mind as expectations, beliefs, desires, self definitions, reactions, judgments is not Best for All, is because it's through such points that we exist in separation from the SEEING of practical reality of what is actually here in terms of how things work, what really shapes behavior and human nature, and the actual solutions to problems -- in separation within our individual Mind bubble in which instead of being able to direct ourselves / the world in a way where all Life is supported and our relationships support ourselves to reach our full potential for self expression and self development -- we're constantly trapped in survival and protection and defense of whatever our individual, limited reality of expectations, beliefs, ideas, and self definitions happens to be. The protection of your Mind becomes your Purpose. It's no wonder our economic system is such a mess and so many are suffering -- when those with the ability to change the system -- those with Money -- are each preoccupied with pursuing only relationships and paths that will 'keep MY life stable' and fulfill MY expectations, desires, beliefs, and self definitions.

When we're each individually trying to protect our own expectations, desires, beliefs, opinions and self definitions and just trying to validate and protect what we want for OUR OWN life only, and for our own happiness and satisfaction only -- I mean we're going to have conflict and neglect and abuse as a regular part of our existence in all areas of our relationships with each other. Conflict and neglect and abuse which - if you look around -- is taking place every day, in every walk of Human Life. We're not coming to solutions that are best for everyone, because we're each stuck within our accepted and allowed Purpose of protecting and surviving our Minds of expectations, desires, beliefs, and self definitions.

What's your Purpose in this life?

Why are we really here? To protect our opinions, beliefs, desires, and self definitions that have been passed on generation after generation? To repeat the past? Or to STOP what we're creating and participating in within our minds and change ourselves in a way where instead of merely surviving as our individual Minds, we become participants Together in Practical, Equal Awareness of our Reality, and Direct ourselves as Group to create what is Best for Life?

www.desteni.org

Friday, May 29, 2015

Day 299: The Origin of Anger in My Life Part 5: Beginning of Self Image Continued

Continuing from my last post:

Day 297: The Origin of Anger in My Life Part 4: The Beginning of Self Image
http://www.matterfreeman.com/2015/05/day-297-origin-of-anger-in-my-life-part.html
"What I can see is that the stage in my life in which I see I started to have like, a self-image, and started to feel good or feel bad about things is the stage where I had words - I had a vocabulary. I was learning 'what things mean', and I was forming a self image through receiving input and feedback from people in my environment in the form of words, and how the words were spoken." 

So before I continue I want to put this investigation into specific context in terms of why I'm looking back at the beginning of my 'Self Image' as a child.

What I've found with the nature of Rage in my life is that it is the result of the accumulated suppressed energy of reactions of anger and frustration, where I actually move into anger and frustration from an initial emotion of feeling helpless, powerless, mistreated -- within scenarios where I'm faced with an obstacle or problem that I don't see how to overcome, and also actions or words directed at me in which I feel mistreated, judged to be inferior in some way, or judged to be a bad person. So I looked at when in my life did I start experiencing feelings of being mistreated, inferior, powerless, frustrated? Because I can see that anger and rage kind of evolved from these experiences.

I found I started experiencing these kinds of emotions frequently from around the age of 12, when I started middle school, in which I started to be faced with scenarios that I hadn't experienced before in my life, which were of the nature of being faced with rules, expectations, and social situations where I could not make sense of 'why this is happening to me'. For example, in middle school I was exposed to more types of other kids than I was in elementary school, and kids at this age started to congregate in specific groups like sports kids, rock kids, hip hop kids, aggressive bully type kids, attractive kids, ugly kids, etc. At this stage in my life I started to experience things like being rejected and made fun of more frequently, or like, being ignored and experiencing certain kids simply having no interest in talking to me, and also starting to become aware that for instance I'm judged to be not a particularly attractive or 'cool' person based on the way I look, the way I dress, the kind of music I listen to. Basically I started to become more of an 'outsider' in relation to 'everyone else', and had few friends that I spent significant time with. And, in addition to the social dimension of what I was experiencing, there was the fact that there were very strict rules as to how you could behave, and what you could and could not do at school in the classroom, in the lunch room, in the hallways, etc. And, there were times when I did something I got punished for it and had to go to detention, and I could not understand why I was being seen as having done something bad or unacceptable.

What I identified in looking at the kinds of experiences that I 'took to heart' the most in these years, is that the kind of things I would 'feel bad' about, or feel sad about, or feel confused and frustrated about, is things where I'm being seen as not good enough, or as stupid, or as 'misbehaving'.

And what I found in looking at why I took these kinds of things personally so much, is that I had always seen myself as a good person, as a talented person, as a likable person, as a nice person. These things were like, big parts of my Self Image. Oh and another point of Self Image that started to take a hit at this stage in my life was that of seeing myself as a smart person. I mean I had always enjoyed school and done well up to that point, but in middle school is when I started to experience a struggle to understand a lot of the math and science subjects in particular, and within this starting to compare myself to the other kids who were doing better than me and so, all of a sudden I didn't feel so smart anymore, lol.

So going back to my earlier childhood, I'm going to continue in the next post with looking at where these Self Image points started forming in terms of, how did I act, what did I do and say, and what feedback and values did I receive and accept from people in my environment, that caused me to start defining myself as a 'good person', and as a 'nice person', and as a 'smart person', and as a 'talented person'.


Saturday, May 16, 2015

Day 298: How can we be Free when we have so many automatic Physical Behaviors?

Why is the human face one of the most sensitive and illustrative places for the Quantum Physical to be seen?

How can you read your face to see the Quantum Physical?

How is the Quantum Physical connected to the face of your physical body for it to come through and be seen so specifically?

How will this series assist and support you to quantify your process when facing the Quantum Physical?

Check out this free interview Introduction: Quantum Physical available to download on Eqafe.
https://eqafe.com/p/introduction-quantum-physical


Listening to this interview, I wanted to share how throughout my process I've come to develop an awareness of how specifically and consistently my physical body reflects and shows me when there is a thought, feeling, emotion, reaction activating within me. Everyone can relate to the experiences of for instance a tensing of muscles, negative or positive energy experiences appearing in the solar plexus / stomach / chest area, feeling physically awkward or uncomfortable, shoulders hunching, shallow breathing, holding your breath, avoiding eye contact, foot tapping or some movement happening automatically, clenching fists, slamming doors, moving aggressively, changing the way you walk or stand when you're around different people, doing weird things unconsciously with your hands and fingers while talking to someone, etc, etc.

Each of these kind of physical manifestations can be traced to the activation and experience of some thought, feeling, or emotion - some positive, negative, or perhaps somewhat neutral experience that has come up and is now occupying your physical body and your attention. For example nervousness, desire, fear, anxiety, defensiveness, frustration, anger, depression, excitement, resistance, hurt, etc, or simply being 'lost in thought' where you're off in your mind seeing things, imagining things, thinking about people or places or memories or information, and you're not consciously Here in your body, self-directively moving it and positioning it.

One of the most revealing and complex parts of the body through which the Mind comes forth in expression is the Face. I've found that looking at what's going on with my face is one of the most specific ways I can identify what's going on within myself especially when speaking to others in moments of reaction. 

For instance:

What is happening in the muscles around my eyes?
What is happening in the muscles of my forehead?
What is happening in the muscles around my mouth?
What am I doing with my lips?
Is any part of my face clenched or tightened in some way?
What is happening with my eyes? Am I rolling my eyes?
Did my eyes widen? Are my eyelids feeling heavy or drooped?
What is happening with my chin? Is is jutting forward? Are my teeth clenched?
Am I smiling? Why? Is it a smile of spite or judgment? 
Am I staring into space blankly? lol.
Are my eyes moving around and am I resisting making eye contact?

It can be difficult to notice, let alone change these kinds of automatic physical symptoms and experiences when you're for the most part during your day constantly in your head thinking about stuff and reacting to things - with this constant pull of some thought, some desire, some fear, some point of stress, some emotional experience, some inner conflict, causing you to exist in a constant survival mode, trying to live your life while being controlled by these experiences being triggered in you. Especially if for instance you are in a relationship or family situation where everyone is also having their own thoughts, feelings, and emotions coming up and you are frequently clashing with others. I mean it's no wonder it's so easy to postpone things or want to run away in moments into distractions of entertainment, drugs or alcohol, or isolating yourself.

This is why I suggest if you relate to this blog, that you enroll in the Desteni I Process course online which will actually teach you how to develop stability within the seemingly never ending experiences of your Mind, and start deconstructing your thoughts and experiences and understanding them, so you can release yourself from them and change the way you live and experience yourself and make decisions.

www.desteniiprocess.com
www.desteni.org