Saturday, June 13, 2015

Day 302: What are Irreconcilable Differences and can they be Changed? Part 1

What are "irreconcilable differences"? It's a term often cited in divorce proceedings as the reason for ending a marriage.

Here's the dictionary definition of irreconcilable:
"representing findings or points of view that are so different from each other that they cannot be made compatible."

In looking at this definition, looking at my past experiences with being in relationships that ended, and also looking at examples of people I know, as well as examples I've seen in movies and TV, this point of "having different points of view that cannot be made compatible" is quite accurate I would say.

What are some of the experiences that we typically have that lead us to decide to end relationships? What are some of the reactions and emotions that start to occur more and more frequently, and build to a point where one or both partners feel like they just can't stand to be with the other anymore? Where we feel like "we're just TOO different to get along?" Where we feel like "I just CAN'T be happy with this person?"

Arguments? Frustration? Annoyance? Disgust? Resentment? Blame? So what leads to these conflicts and arguments and experiences of annoyance and frustration and disgust with each other?

So what are these experiences ABOUT anyway? What triggers them? What are the "differences" in each other that end up being irreconcilable?

Let's look at some common themes from my own experiences and from what I've seen in other relationships:
  • Having different preferences / expectations / skill level in relation to cleanliness / housework / chores.
  • Having different preferences / expectations / wants in relation to spending time with each other / spending time with friends / spending time on personal interests.
  • Having different ideas / dreams / expectations / goals / desires for the future.
  • Having different wants / expectations / ideas about how time should be spend in relation to work and career vs. the relationship.
  • Wanting to have kids vs. not wanting to have kids.
  • Having different religious or political beliefs.
  • Having different styles / interests in clothes / music / art / culture.
  • Having different wants / desires / expectations in relation to sex and physical intimacy.
  • Having different ideas / expectations / wants in relation to sharing and communication.
  • Having different ideas / expectations / wants about male / female roles and responsibilities in the relationship.
Interesting, so this is obviously not a complete list, but it's interesting to see how having different points of view about things plays such a huge role in the manifestation of conflict between partners. It's clearly important that we understand the nature of Point of View because it's Point of View that leads to behavior, actions, words, decisions that - in many cases create consequences that can be harmful mentally, emotionally, and physically.

So what is our point of view? What I've learned in my experience is that your Point of View really encompasses what you have defined as the Point-Of-You. That which you see as Who you Are - your Individuality, your Self, your Identity, your Purpose. Your Self Definition. Your Point-Of-You becomes the way you make decisions, how you respond to the behavior of others, the way you view your world - that which decides what you will do in the next moment--- that which Points You to the next Point. And...hmmmm also what leads us to Point fingers at each other, when our partner does not fulfill the expectations and ideas we had about what THEIR point should be in relation to OUR point.

So the question is, what of our Point of View is Changeable - and what is not? How can we approach our different points of view from a practical starting point? Is the purpose of our existence and relationships on Earth to simply protect and survive as the points of view we've accumulated and formed from birth? Is that who we really are? Is that the extent of our Individuality? What's the real Point of relationships? Can we become something more?

I'll continue in the next post with sharing some examples of what I've learned about myself through changing my starting point in relation to my point of view.

Friday, June 5, 2015

Day 300: What's your Purpose in This Life?

Purpose: the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists.

As a Destonian I've decided my Purpose in life, my Reason for being in this world, in this life, is to stop myself existing within and as any thought, behavior, starting point that cannot stand as Life as all as one as equal, in support of outcomes and ways of living that are best for all.

This may sound complicated and 'philosophical', but it's really not.

What's an example of a starting point that is not best for all? How about blame? When one goes into a reaction of blame toward another, there's a judgment taking place, there's the experience within yourself that you're directing toward another, of them being 'bad', 'wrong', 'deserving to be punished / yelled at / made to feel bad' because of something they did or said.

Now, the reality is that whatever happened, there's always a point of practical reality to a situation. For example is the blame related to some actual physical action that created consequence that caused harm to you or another? Or is the blame related to words or actions that merely went against / didn't align to some expectation / desire / belief / definition you had in your mind?

In the first scenario where a person's actions created consequence of some actually physically detrimental nature, usually blame and judgment steps in when you don't understand why someone did what they did, and you take the situation personally and react to it in fear, or in offense. For example let's say a cop shooting someone based on racism. Or maybe your relationship partner or a family member neglects some responsibility and it causes financial detriment in some way. In reality, there's always a practical explanation and reality behind someone's behavior, and there's always a practical solution in terms of - okay now how do I direct myself in relation to what has happened / what actions are required to be taken as a result of this situation happening? In reality, the reaction of blame and judgment doesn't serve any practical purpose. I mean when you understand HOW something happened, and are able to see how to direct a problem to a solution -- you usually don't react to that point, because you have all the information - you have a direct Seeing of the reality you're working with. If you look at the nature of reactions you can see how they're primarily based on points where we don't see the full reality of how and why something came to exist / happen and so the reaction tends to be that of helplessness, loss of control, fear of loss, etc.

And in the scenario where the blame is a result of someone's actions not aligning with something merely in your MIND as a belief, expectation, desire, definition -- the practical reality within that is that you've set yourself up to experience another's words or actions as a problem and go into blame toward them, through having accepted and allowed yourself to define yourself / another / your world through a particular belief, expectation, desire, definition, that obviously your world is not going to always conform to / align to. But, since it's your definition of yourself, you go into blame because when your reality doesn't conform to how you've defined yourself and your world -- you feel invalidated and go into fear of loss, trying to protect your self definitions.

So, the reason why the mind as expectations, beliefs, desires, self definitions, reactions, judgments is not Best for All, is because it's through such points that we exist in separation from the SEEING of practical reality of what is actually here in terms of how things work, what really shapes behavior and human nature, and the actual solutions to problems -- in separation within our individual Mind bubble in which instead of being able to direct ourselves / the world in a way where all Life is supported and our relationships support ourselves to reach our full potential for self expression and self development -- we're constantly trapped in survival and protection and defense of whatever our individual, limited reality of expectations, beliefs, ideas, and self definitions happens to be. The protection of your Mind becomes your Purpose. It's no wonder our economic system is such a mess and so many are suffering -- when those with the ability to change the system -- those with Money -- are each preoccupied with pursuing only relationships and paths that will 'keep MY life stable' and fulfill MY expectations, desires, beliefs, and self definitions.

When we're each individually trying to protect our own expectations, desires, beliefs, opinions and self definitions and just trying to validate and protect what we want for OUR OWN life only, and for our own happiness and satisfaction only -- I mean we're going to have conflict and neglect and abuse as a regular part of our existence in all areas of our relationships with each other. Conflict and neglect and abuse which - if you look around -- is taking place every day, in every walk of Human Life. We're not coming to solutions that are best for everyone, because we're each stuck within our accepted and allowed Purpose of protecting and surviving our Minds of expectations, desires, beliefs, and self definitions.

What's your Purpose in this life?

Why are we really here? To protect our opinions, beliefs, desires, and self definitions that have been passed on generation after generation? To repeat the past? Or to STOP what we're creating and participating in within our minds and change ourselves in a way where instead of merely surviving as our individual Minds, we become participants Together in Practical, Equal Awareness of our Reality, and Direct ourselves as Group to create what is Best for Life?

www.desteni.org

Friday, May 29, 2015

Day 299: The Origin of Anger in My Life Part 5: Beginning of Self Image Continued

Continuing from my last post:

Day 297: The Origin of Anger in My Life Part 4: The Beginning of Self Image
http://www.matterfreeman.com/2015/05/day-297-origin-of-anger-in-my-life-part.html
"What I can see is that the stage in my life in which I see I started to have like, a self-image, and started to feel good or feel bad about things is the stage where I had words - I had a vocabulary. I was learning 'what things mean', and I was forming a self image through receiving input and feedback from people in my environment in the form of words, and how the words were spoken." 

So before I continue I want to put this investigation into specific context in terms of why I'm looking back at the beginning of my 'Self Image' as a child.

What I've found with the nature of Rage in my life is that it is the result of the accumulated suppressed energy of reactions of anger and frustration, where I actually move into anger and frustration from an initial emotion of feeling helpless, powerless, mistreated -- within scenarios where I'm faced with an obstacle or problem that I don't see how to overcome, and also actions or words directed at me in which I feel mistreated, judged to be inferior in some way, or judged to be a bad person. So I looked at when in my life did I start experiencing feelings of being mistreated, inferior, powerless, frustrated? Because I can see that anger and rage kind of evolved from these experiences.

I found I started experiencing these kinds of emotions frequently from around the age of 12, when I started middle school, in which I started to be faced with scenarios that I hadn't experienced before in my life, which were of the nature of being faced with rules, expectations, and social situations where I could not make sense of 'why this is happening to me'. For example, in middle school I was exposed to more types of other kids than I was in elementary school, and kids at this age started to congregate in specific groups like sports kids, rock kids, hip hop kids, aggressive bully type kids, attractive kids, ugly kids, etc. At this stage in my life I started to experience things like being rejected and made fun of more frequently, or like, being ignored and experiencing certain kids simply having no interest in talking to me, and also starting to become aware that for instance I'm judged to be not a particularly attractive or 'cool' person based on the way I look, the way I dress, the kind of music I listen to. Basically I started to become more of an 'outsider' in relation to 'everyone else', and had few friends that I spent significant time with. And, in addition to the social dimension of what I was experiencing, there was the fact that there were very strict rules as to how you could behave, and what you could and could not do at school in the classroom, in the lunch room, in the hallways, etc. And, there were times when I did something I got punished for it and had to go to detention, and I could not understand why I was being seen as having done something bad or unacceptable.

What I identified in looking at the kinds of experiences that I 'took to heart' the most in these years, is that the kind of things I would 'feel bad' about, or feel sad about, or feel confused and frustrated about, is things where I'm being seen as not good enough, or as stupid, or as 'misbehaving'.

And what I found in looking at why I took these kinds of things personally so much, is that I had always seen myself as a good person, as a talented person, as a likable person, as a nice person. These things were like, big parts of my Self Image. Oh and another point of Self Image that started to take a hit at this stage in my life was that of seeing myself as a smart person. I mean I had always enjoyed school and done well up to that point, but in middle school is when I started to experience a struggle to understand a lot of the math and science subjects in particular, and within this starting to compare myself to the other kids who were doing better than me and so, all of a sudden I didn't feel so smart anymore, lol.

So going back to my earlier childhood, I'm going to continue in the next post with looking at where these Self Image points started forming in terms of, how did I act, what did I do and say, and what feedback and values did I receive and accept from people in my environment, that caused me to start defining myself as a 'good person', and as a 'nice person', and as a 'smart person', and as a 'talented person'.


Saturday, May 16, 2015

Day 298: How can we be Free when we have so many automatic Physical Behaviors?

Why is the human face one of the most sensitive and illustrative places for the Quantum Physical to be seen?

How can you read your face to see the Quantum Physical?

How is the Quantum Physical connected to the face of your physical body for it to come through and be seen so specifically?

How will this series assist and support you to quantify your process when facing the Quantum Physical?

Check out this free interview Introduction: Quantum Physical available to download on Eqafe.
https://eqafe.com/p/introduction-quantum-physical


Listening to this interview, I wanted to share how throughout my process I've come to develop an awareness of how specifically and consistently my physical body reflects and shows me when there is a thought, feeling, emotion, reaction activating within me. Everyone can relate to the experiences of for instance a tensing of muscles, negative or positive energy experiences appearing in the solar plexus / stomach / chest area, feeling physically awkward or uncomfortable, shoulders hunching, shallow breathing, holding your breath, avoiding eye contact, foot tapping or some movement happening automatically, clenching fists, slamming doors, moving aggressively, changing the way you walk or stand when you're around different people, doing weird things unconsciously with your hands and fingers while talking to someone, etc, etc.

Each of these kind of physical manifestations can be traced to the activation and experience of some thought, feeling, or emotion - some positive, negative, or perhaps somewhat neutral experience that has come up and is now occupying your physical body and your attention. For example nervousness, desire, fear, anxiety, defensiveness, frustration, anger, depression, excitement, resistance, hurt, etc, or simply being 'lost in thought' where you're off in your mind seeing things, imagining things, thinking about people or places or memories or information, and you're not consciously Here in your body, self-directively moving it and positioning it.

One of the most revealing and complex parts of the body through which the Mind comes forth in expression is the Face. I've found that looking at what's going on with my face is one of the most specific ways I can identify what's going on within myself especially when speaking to others in moments of reaction. 

For instance:

What is happening in the muscles around my eyes?
What is happening in the muscles of my forehead?
What is happening in the muscles around my mouth?
What am I doing with my lips?
Is any part of my face clenched or tightened in some way?
What is happening with my eyes? Am I rolling my eyes?
Did my eyes widen? Are my eyelids feeling heavy or drooped?
What is happening with my chin? Is is jutting forward? Are my teeth clenched?
Am I smiling? Why? Is it a smile of spite or judgment? 
Am I staring into space blankly? lol.
Are my eyes moving around and am I resisting making eye contact?

It can be difficult to notice, let alone change these kinds of automatic physical symptoms and experiences when you're for the most part during your day constantly in your head thinking about stuff and reacting to things - with this constant pull of some thought, some desire, some fear, some point of stress, some emotional experience, some inner conflict, causing you to exist in a constant survival mode, trying to live your life while being controlled by these experiences being triggered in you. Especially if for instance you are in a relationship or family situation where everyone is also having their own thoughts, feelings, and emotions coming up and you are frequently clashing with others. I mean it's no wonder it's so easy to postpone things or want to run away in moments into distractions of entertainment, drugs or alcohol, or isolating yourself.

This is why I suggest if you relate to this blog, that you enroll in the Desteni I Process course online which will actually teach you how to develop stability within the seemingly never ending experiences of your Mind, and start deconstructing your thoughts and experiences and understanding them, so you can release yourself from them and change the way you live and experience yourself and make decisions.

www.desteniiprocess.com
www.desteni.org

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Day 297: The Origin of Anger in My Life Part 4: The Beginning of Self Image

Continuing from the last post in this series:
I walked a path that brought me close to the point of self sabotage, where, as I described in my first post in this series, I trapped myself into SURVIVAL within the cycle of desire, hope, expectation, tied in with fear of losing / missing out on what I want, reacting more and more when I would encounter an obstacle, a failure, something not going as I expected, and locking myself into the pattern of Rage as the release of suppressed accumulated reactions. I came close to getting to a point where my anger would have made it impossible to continue developing my Agreement with my partner, and which would have led me further and further away from living my natural self expression.
...In posts to come I will walk through earlier events in my life and show how they influenced the formation of the desires, expectations, and self definitions through which I set myself up to walk the path of anger / self sabotage, and within this show how such a path could be prevented earlier in life, and how there are ways of understanding your world, understanding others, and how through developing this understanding, this practical awareness, one can transcend the pattern of emotional reaction, suppression, and struggle, and expand yourself beyond what you thought you were limited to - See more at: http://www.matterfreeman.com/2015/04/day-292-understanding-my-relationship.html#sthash.YzIZP1mZ.dpuf

Something I've discovered in investigating how the reaction pattern of Anger came to exist in me, in looking back at my life from early on, is how anger actually in a way evolved and was given life over time through the gradual development of the ways I would interpret things in my world through reaction, through feeling as positive, or emotion as negative. When I was very very young - I have no memory of getting angry, or really of any significant Emotional or Feeling experiences at all. Like when I was a toddler, I can remember walking around the house, climbing on things, experiencing the textures and feel of things, seeing people, hearing them talk - but it's like, I didn't have a personality yet - I didn't have a mental self image through which I related to / interpreted my world. I didn't interpret events, people's behavior and words through reactions, judgments, feelings, emotions. It was like - it was just there. What I can see is that the stage in my life in which I see I started to have like, a self-image, and started to feel good or feel bad about things is the stage where I had words - I had a vocabulary. I was learning 'what things mean', and I was forming a self image through receiving input and feedback from people in my environment in the form of words, and how the words were spoken.

In my next post in this series I'm going to look at what points my self image, my definition of myself started to form around.


Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Day 296: If we All Riot, will Everything be All Right?

An act of verbal or physical attack between a cop and a civilian played out in a moment of reaction of fear / anger / blame.

An act of verbal or physical attack between a Jew and an Arab played out in a moment of reaction of fear / anger / blame.

An act of verbal or physical attack between two partners in a relationship played out in a moment of reaction of fear / anger / blame.

An act of verbal or physical attack between a parent and a child played out in a moment of reaction of fear / anger / blame.

An act of verbal or physical attack between a teacher and a student played out in a moment of reaction of fear / anger / blame.

An act of verbal or physical attack between a Christian and an Atheist played out in a moment of reaction of fear / anger / blame.

An act of verbal or physical attack between an Arab and a Jew played out in a moment of reaction of fear / anger / blame.

An act of verbal or physical attack between a Vegetarian and a Meat eater played out in a moment of reaction of fear / anger / blame.

An act of verbal or physical attack between two men or two women at a party / a club / in a social situation played out in a moment of reaction of jealousy / feeling disrespected / anger / blame.

Can we ever have a world of Peace, where no one ever attacks each other, harms each other, goes to war with each other, if we accept that being taken over and possessed by reactions of emotion within yourself is a normal and natural part of being Human?

Clearly, in a world of billions of people - with different points of views, different opinions, different personalities, different self definitions, different belief systems, different ideas of right and wrong, different ideas of what is best, with each primarily interested in protecting and preserving their own life, beliefs, and desires, the real problem we're facing in this world is not Racism, nor is it Religious discrimination or Gender discrimination.

We live in a world where conflict, where reaction, where attack and abuse and spitefulness and jealousy and resentment and hatred and neglect and manipulation and deception and lies and arguments and secrets and blame play out in all walks of Human life, in all cultures, at all income levels, in all Religious groups, in all Spiritual groups, in all Activist groups, in all Age groups, and at levels of Intellect and Education.

How do you define dysfunction? How do you define a problem?

We have billions of human being reacting to each other and playing out actions of judgment, of spite, of violence, of blame, of anger, all based on protecting and defending their views, their self definitions, their beliefs, their opinions - that which they have accepted to be 'Who I Am' and which defines their experience of self worth, self value, self validity, purpose, security, stability - that which defines 'what is best for ME and MY OWN' - I mean isn't that dysfunctional? Isn't that a problem?

Isn't it a problem that someone will react and be outraged by racism, yet not outraged by poverty?
By starvation?
By wages so low they don't support a person to have a dignified life free of stress?
By the world's resources being used up by a system driven by Profit over Life?
By parents who scream at and physically hurt their children in acts of reactive emotional possession?
By people who get into fights and physically harm each other and even kill each other every single day over jealousy, over sports, or because they're DRUNK?
Over the glorification of and obsession with, and desire to BE LIKE celebrities who flaunt and take pride in their wealth and elite status while people die because they cannot access money?

To really get a grip on why things like Racially motivated attacks, or Religious fanaticism motivated attacks happen and be able to eventually 'evolve' beyond such things we have to first come to terms with how the starting point of such behavior is the SAME starting point as any of the reactive behavior that plays out in our own lives, our own relationships every day in every walk of life within every race and culture. I mean anywhere where we take something personally and react within some form of "You've offended me", or "You've insulted me", or "You're not doing what I WANT you to" -- anything within us where we go into Blame, Spitefulness, Attack, Judgment toward another -- we are all part of that problem. No one can Self Honestly say they can take the "Righteous position". In fact, there is no such thing as Righteousness. Righteousness is not required in order to apply practical solutions in giving direction to problems. This is what we're demonstrating as Destonians through the Journey to Life Blogs and Desteni I Process: we recognize there are many abuses in the world that need to be stopped. But we also recognize that taking to the streets and burning cars and breaking windows and HARMING others is not going to change Humanity. Such a starting point is precisely the PROBLEM.

Over forty years ago we had the Civil Rights movement in America where millions of people demanded equal rights for Black people. And - it worked. The laws changed. Yet - we still have conflict between races.

In South Africa, Apartheid ended back in the nineties. Blacks now occupy all major positions of political power and influence. Yet - there is still corruption, still poverty, still violence.

Now the issue is Gay marriage and ending discrimination toward one's sexual orientation.

In all these cases, the Changes have been based on the point of giving certain groups of people Equal rights in terms of being able to access the same kinds of opportunities as other groups.

Yet - the problem is that we still each want the individual right to have our own opinions that some people are worth more than others, some are more important than others -- for example, how we see those in our immediate relationships and families as 'special', and care when they are harmed - but do not have that same care and concern with people outside of our immediate lives and interests. Where's the Equality in that? Isn't that discrimination? Isn't the underlying 'Right' that we're all wanting, the Right to care about ourselves and our own lives more than the lives of others? Isn't that the real source of conflict, of fear, of separation within Humanity?

No matter how equal our society becomes in terms of different Races, Genders, Sexual orientation, Religion having access to the same opportunities in the context of the Money system, at the end of the day we're still faced with the Self Honest reality within Each of us of all the ways we exclude others from our consideration, from that which we take responsibility for - based on our Opinions and the way we define ourselves.

And how can we expect others to change and stop their reactions of violence and conflict toward others when we're still faced with the reality of all the ways we ourselves exist in conflict with another in moments of Reaction? Such points show us where we don't yet really KNOW ourselves. There are programs of opinion, of knowledge, of ideas, of expectations, of definitions functioning within our minds that we're not aware of and which control the way we respond to our world. We're not yet the Directive Principle of ourselves in all ways. We're in fact Mind Controlled by our own programming. Why else would we get literally possessed in moments by thoughts, by emotions, by reactions toward each other, and do things that we later regret, or lash out because we don't see an actual solution to a problem and so don't see how to DIRECT ourselves within stability?

We're showing through the Desteni I Process and Journey to Life blogs that it's possible to understand where thoughts, feelings, emotions, reactions come from -- and it's possible to change yourself and get to a practical solution for every problem. We're also showing that no one is born a racist. No one is born with any kind of self definition or 'pride' or discrimination towards anyone based on their Race, or religion, or style, or nationality, or diet, or body type. No one is even born seeing their own family as being more 'special' and deserving of love, than any other Human being - or animal for that matter. Such definitions are all PROGRAMMED in after birth.

We need to remove the programs that separate us from each other and cause conflict and give up the 'right' to see our own life as more important than another's.

We don't need Tolerance, because Tolerance only means that we have a system in place where we allow each other to have opinions that separate ourselves from each other, and value systems that see some as more and some as less -- so that we can have OUR opinions and feel protected. It's just self interest and the perpetuation of Separation - not a solution to end conflict FOR GOOD.

As Destonians we're interested in how to end conflict, harm, abuse, separation -- for GOOD. ONCE AND FOR ALL. Where - such things will NEVER happen -- EVER.
Impossible you say? We say that's just an excuse.

Each of us walking the Journey to Life blogs have by now provided enough examples of how we're changing ourselves - to show that it is in fact possible to end abuse and separation within Humanity -- for GOOD. It's not easy. No one said changing the world would be easy. It can't be easy with what the world exists as and what each of our Minds exist as. There is no quick fix. But it can be done. Human Nature can be changed. Don't take my word for it - read the blogs!

I am a Destonian because I will accept nothing less than the end of all abuse, all separation, forever, in all ways. Sound radical? It is. But an radically messed up world calls for a radical act of CHANGE. And if I react to others in my own mind, and have judgments, and opinions and self definitions that I am holding onto that cause me to become defensive, argumentative, spiteful, angry toward another -- whoah -- I need to sort that shit out so I can show others how to do the same. And THAT'S how I can make a difference.


We don't need to All Riot -- we need to All WRITE. All right?

Join us.

www.desteni.org
www.desteniiprocess.com