Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Day 293: How to Stop the Walking Dead from Coming True

Have you ever been in a position where you wondered how you were going to be able to pay your bills?

Have you ever been in a position of struggling to find a decent job and wondering why it is so difficult?

Have you ever been in a position of struggling to find decent work even with a college degree?

Have you ever experienced stress, anxiety, fear, frustration, depression, anger, confusion about your money situation? About bills? About debt? About the hoops you're required to jump through to get access to the basic necessities of life when you don't have enough money to just go out and access it directly?

Have you ever had to settle for work that doesn't pay you enough to live and is not something you would otherwise choose to do, but you took the job because it's the only place that would hire you?

Have you ever had to find a SECOND job just to cover your living expenses, working 50, 60, 70 hours a week without any end in sight?

Have you ever been in a position where your view toward your work is that "It's better than nothing"?

Have you ever filled out a job application and written 'minimum wage' in the 'desired salary' section, afraid to write a higher number because you're so desperate for work you'd accept any wage?

Do you regularly depend on getting drunk and / or high on the weekends as a way to forget about how much you don't like being at work during the week?

Do you ever wonder how it is that there are individuals who are worth more than the entire gross domestic product of whole countries? Do you ever wonder how such individuals can exist alongside those who struggle to earn enough to live above the poverty line, in spite of working regular overtime hours? Do you ever wonder how such a relationship can exist in a system that claims to be based on values that support freedom, dignity, and human rights?

Can freedom, honor, equality, and dignity exist in a world that believes that quality of life, surety of survival, and good health can only exist as a reward to be placed as motivation to work and fulfill the labor requirements of industry?

Can evolution, progress, enlightenment, and intelligence really exist in a world that believes the fear for one's survival is the only way a human can be motivated to participate in society?

Does creativity, critical thinking, responsibility, and integrity exist in a world where those with the aptitude, education, and resources to engineer ways to visit other planets, cure diseases, and create robots that can perform surgery, cannot come up with a way to organize labor, distribute resources, and maintain infrastructure and vital industry in a way that does not depend on the perpetual existence of an uneducated majority driven by fear?

Does care, love, and compassion really exist in a world where the competition between smartphone brands gets more attention than the violence and upheaval erupting as more and more people become unable to contain their frustration with the struggle to find a way to support themselves and their families?

If you can relate to this blog and find yourself questioning why the way we live seems to not make any sense, I suggest joining us in the Journey to Life as we walk the process of questioning, investigating, and deconstructing our lives, our minds, and the system that shaped our development, and sharing this with the world through the written word to demonstrate that we as humans are in fact capable of changing. Humanity is on a path of self sabotage. It's easy to fall into that trap when you are trapped in a life of survival, of living paycheck to paycheck. It's easy to escape in alcohol, in entertainment, in drugs, in distraction. It's a challenge to stand up and question the world in a constructive and practical way. And in fact it is a skill that must be developed. But it is far more rewarding and satisfying to become part of the solution than giving up and settling for self diminishment and frustration.

In a world that seems too fucked up to change, to constricting to break free of, too far gone to care about, we need to find the passion for life within ourselves, and share it with the world.

After all, if we don't stand up in every Breath for the dignity, expression, expansion, and potential of all life, and find a way to Walk ourselves out of this mess, then we're just the Walking Dead.

Saturday, April 4, 2015

Day 292: Understanding my Relationship with Anger

Something I realized recently about the role anger and rage has played in my life, is how it has primarily reared its head in scenarios in which I am faced with something I don't in that moment see and understand how to direct; a problem I don't immediately see a solution to. Specifically what I found is that key to why this happens, is that I had walked into that scenario within SOME point of expectation. What I mean by this is that, within me I had attached some point of want, desire, value to a particular outcome. The outcome could be either an actual possible outcome, or an IDEA of an outcome. Primarily what I've found in the nature of how I form expectations, is that I tend to form expectations attached to wanting an outcome based in the POTENTIAL I see in something. You see, in walking my process over the past few years and really getting to know my natural skills, capacities, strengths, expressions, I've found that what comes naturally to me is seeing the potential of what something can be become in terms of its highest Expression. This can be applied to for example looking at a concept for an art piece, or taking an outline or rough version of a song and seeing how that concept could be expressed, presented, placed in reality with impact, with effect. Or also for example during times when I've had the opportunity to coach people with singing, I find I can see the potential of what their voice could be developed into. Or another example would be working in business with creating a brand for a product, looking at the product and seeing how it could be presented in a way through branding, through images, through words that effectively convey its value, its expression as a product within the world; how to give it impact. And with myself for instance, I've come to see how my natural abilities and features such as my voice, my speaking skills, my ability to work with people and teach others, all lend themselves well to leadership in business, to sales, to education. And in seeing this I've come to see that my potential necessitates I take responsibility to develop the practical skills required to LIVE this potential in the world.

However, what I've found that I do NOT naturally possess, is the patience, discipline, and very structured, methodical and consistent focus and DRIVE to walk the practical steps from beginning to COMPLETION, in relation to working with the tools, the mediums required to be worked with to actually bring something from potential, from idea, from concept, into a finished product. I've found this for instance with things that require an intensive and lengthy learning curve, or a high degree of technical understanding and theory, or a lot of time spent doing small, highly specialized actions that EVENTUALLY culminate in a finished product. I've always tended to find ways of doing things that give me a more immediate result, a more immediate experience of seeing a creation being brought to life. For example coaching singing is something I enjoy because it's very much about being here with a person and working with them in real time, getting to a result through speaking, using my hands, directly sharing insights and pointers, and demonstrating things for them. Coming up with lyrics and music for songs is also something I enjoy - that process of playing around and having a song open up, an expression open up. But then - that process of spending a lot of time and detailed, methodical work with a computer program to actually get the expression into FORM in this reality as a produced song --- that part I tend to not enjoy as much. Though, a dynamic I have really enjoyed is working with a producer, like I did with Fidelis Spies on the Desteni farm, where he was the one primarily in charge of the production, recording, mixing, and mastering, and where I would share my input, make suggestions, learn from him, and we'd work together until the project came together as a finished product. 

But, typically what I've faced in my life is that when I am faced with being in a position where I have to do that kind of highly technical, methodical, time intensive stuff on my own, and there is a lot of problem solving and troubleshooting and things that go wrong and obstacles that appear unexpectedly -- this is when I've tended to react to things and get frustrated and angry very easily! I've had a pattern of walking into such a situation wanting to see and experience a RESULT, or a specific outcome NOW, and wanting to be able to focus primarily on the aspects of a project that I have a natural expression with -- which is the conceptual stuff, the potential, the image, the sound -- I tend to walk into a project with this intense desire to EXPERIENCE what I see the finished product could be, and I see that I've attached a positive value to the things I am naturally good at like singing, conceptualizing, opening up an expression - while I've attached a negative value to the methodical, time intensive, technically oriented aspects of actually bringing that expression into reality. 

Because of these expectations, desires, and values I've been walking with, I've tended to get frustrated and angry very quickly when it comes to the practical LIVING of my potential. My starting point has been very much aligned to reacting to problems, obstacles, TIME, because within defining my expression and value only through those things I can experience more immediately, I've basically set up a relationship where, if something takes a long time, or presents me with obstacles and problems I don't immediately see how to overcome, within my mind I'll perceive the event as something that is TAKING something from me, something that is HOLDING ME BACK -- I'll blame the point and see it as a problem, and then get angry, frustrated, and give up and stop trying. The problem then is that I'll suppress that expression that I was working on bringing into reality, and end up spending my time doing other things, which in turn eventually results in me getting depressed and MORE angry and creating this bitterness within myself, because I am perceiving / feeling that I am being PREVENTED from expressing myself, from living my full potential, because there's all this stuff that 'I can't do', and 'that's too hard', and 'that I'm not good at'.

BUT! This whole thing is really not necessary because, what I see is that all I need to do is - let go of the expectation, let go of the desire for that projected / imagined EXPERIENCE of the outcome / finished product, and embrace / stand one and equal with the actual REALITY of what I am working with, which is that -- hey, things are NOT immediate like I want them to be. The reality is that -- the actual PROBLEM that is holding me back: is ME! I create my own experience of being held back and limited by 'all these obstacles', because I keep wanting to experience the result, the finished product, the potential NOW, and - then when reality doesn't support me in getting this experience = I react and experience / believe I am being limited by my reality, instead of seeing and realizing that I am the one trying to force reality to conform to my own limited expectations.

The reality is that I have to embrace how things actually work, let go of expectations and desires, and become SOLUTION oriented. The reality is that, I DO see what is required to be done to bring my potential, and the potential of a certain projects into reality, into living expression, but to do this I have to make peace with, and stand one and equal with what is really HERE in my hands, in space time reality, that's required to be walked to get to that point of completion / fulfillment. When I'm not FIGHTING the reality of what needs to be done, then I open myself up to LEARN and be able to MOVE myself within discipline, patience, and self enjoyment, able to walk those methodical, technical steps without reacting and getting frustrated - and supporting myself by seeking out assistance from others if necessary!

Not having seen this point before, has been probably the SINGLE biggest factor in why I have struggled so much with anger in my life. It has been my single biggest weakness. But within this I also see that in CHANGING myself, becoming solution oriented, letting go of my expectations and desires and imagined outcomes, I am then in a position where I can stand one and equal with my reality, and become able to really take the time to explore what resources, what tools, what people can I use to assist and support myself effectively in the process of bringing my potential to LIFE. And within such a starting point, I see I can transform this weakness into a strength -- where instead of FIGHTING my reality, sabotaging myself through anger and frustration, giving up and believing it is reality that is the problem, and trapping myself in the cycle of DESIRE for an experience, and fearing to miss out / lose that experience, I stand one and equal with my reality - I let go of the SELF INTEREST which SEPARATES me from reality, separates me from my ability to LIVE -- the self interest being my expectations, desires, the WANTING of an experience, and I allow myself to accept the Self Responsibility required to be taken, to actually walk my potential into CREATION, into Fulfillment. The point I am walking with is the point of transforming Self-Sabotage into Self Fulfillment. 

I know there are many, many others out there who experience the exact same point, and indeed aren't we as Humanity faced with this exact same point? Aren't we sabotaging our potential, our future, our expression, our well being, our very planet and resources, through holding onto the values, the desires, the expectations, the dreams, the wants, the experiences we've defined ourselves by? I mean, we're literally allowing ourselves to destroy each other and destroy our environment because we're unwilling to look beyond WHAT WE WANT NOW. And in being this way, we're closing ourselves off from being able to see SOLUTIONS, from being able to see the VALUE in each other, from being able to see that when we stand together and GIVE to each other - then we each have what we need to reach our fullest potential. Just as I see in myself, that in giving up the desires and expectations and experiences I've defined myself by, I am then able to GIVE myself the gift of being able to take Self Responsibility to do what is required to being my fullest potential into Living Expression -- from creating a song, to building my business, to being able to assist and support myself to be solution and SUPPORT oriented in all aspects of my relationships. 

In order for me to see and realize all this, I walked a path that brought me close to the point of self sabotage, where, as I described in my first post in this series, I trapped myself into SURVIVAL within the cycle of desire, hope, expectation, tied in with fear of losing / missing out on what I want, reacting more and more when I would encounter an obstacle, a failure, something not going as I expected, and locking myself into the pattern of Rage as the release of suppressed accumulated reactions. I came close to getting to a point where my anger would have made it impossible to continue developing my Agreement with my partner, and which would have led me further and further away from living my natural self expression. 

I do not recommend the path of self sabotage, as that path is what leads to all kinds of Consequences like giving up on relationships, giving up on career paths, giving up on your education, giving up on your natural self expression, developing self destructive behavior.

I instead recommend the path of Self Honesty, Self Forgiveness, and Self Corrective writing and application. Without these tools I would not have been able to identify the underlying causes of my anger experiences, see the way forward, and be able to share any of what I'm sharing now.

In posts to come I will walk through earlier events in my life and show how they influenced the formation of the desires, expectations, and self definitions through which I set myself up to walk the path of self sabotage, and within this show how such a path could be prevented earlier in life, and how there are ways of understanding your world, understanding others, and how through developing this understanding, this practical awareness, one can transcend the pattern of emotional reaction, suppression, and struggle, and expand yourself beyond what you thought you were limited to.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Day 291: Do you struggle with Rage?

Where does explosive rage come from? How is rage created?

Why does the extent and severity of the reaction of explosive rage seem so disproportionate to the event that triggers it?

How can you go from feeling relatively stable in one moment, to a total emotional possession in the next moment, where you feel like you are not in control of your body and end up doing things you immediately regret?

Do you for the most part see and carry yourself as a peaceful person, not interested in violence or aggression or in being nasty to others, and yet struggle to understand why in certain moments, you fly into an outburst of rage that feels like it is beyond your control?

Have you found, in spite of the unpleasant nature of rage, that in certain situations it feels justified, and that the situation is somehow at fault? 

Has explosive rage led to you doing and saying things that have sabotaged relationships in your world?

Do you feel like rage is just a part of you, and that it's something you just have to learn to cope with?

Have you gone long stretches of time without experiencing rage, only to have it return unexpectedly and you just can't understand why?

Do you feel like one of the primary reasons you go into a rage is because someone or something is somehow 'holding you back' in life? Do you find that when you're watching movies and TV shows that you can relate to characters who react with rage in situations where someone or something is holding them back, or denying them freedom, or bulling them? 

Are there situations in your life within which you feel there is no possible way to respond except through anger and rage?

Do you find that you tend to react in rage when you feel that someone is not listening to you, not understanding 'your side of the story'?

Do you feel like one of the reasons you struggle with rage is because others don't understand you, and you feel that you are being expected by others to act and live in a way that is taking away your freedom to 'be you'?

I'm asking these questions because each contains a point that I have experienced in my own life, within my relationship to rage. Can rage be stopped? Yes. But to do so requires getting to some serious Self Honesty.

To understand rage and really get a grasp on how to begin the process of removing it from you, you have to walk a thorough investigation of who and what you are within your mind, within how you have defined yourself, the ideas you hold of yourself, the goals, desires, wants, you have defined your life according to. You have to get to the core of the struggle you believe to be the cause of this intense emotional reaction to circumstances and people in your world. You have to go back to the beginning. Rage is a release of suppressed energy, suppressed reactions that have accumulated and compounded within your body over time. To understand rage, you have to understand the process of suppression, the process of reaction, why you react, why you interpret things through emotion. Where and how did you develop your emotional reactions? What were the formative, key events in your life that shaped your primary emotional patterns?

In posts to come I'll be sharing my process of investigating these points, and what I've found.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Day 290: Taking Education Reform a Step Further

I read this article today:
Goodbye, math and history: Finland wants to abandon teaching subjects at school 
Finland already has one of the best school education systems. It always ranks near the top in mathematics, reading, and science in the prestigious PISA rankings (the 2012 list, pdf) by the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development. Teachers in other countries flock to its schools to learn from a country that is routinely praised as just a really, really wonderful place to live. 
But the country is not resting on its laurels. Finland is considering its most radical overhaul of basic education yet—abandoning teaching by subject for teaching by phenomenon. Traditional lessons such as English Literature and Physics are already being phased out among 16-year-olds in schools in Helsinki.
Instead, the Finns are teaching phenomena—such as the European Union, which encompasses learning languages, history, politics, and geography. No more of an hour of history followed by an hour of chemistry. The idea aims to eliminate one of the biggest gripes of students everywhere: “What is the point of learning this?” Now, each subject is anchored to the reason for learning it.
This sounds like practical idea. It makes more sense to design curriculum to facilitate an understanding of the inter-relationships of subjects in the context of the world, rather than to just learn about a subject in isolation. For instance in middle school and high school I remember classes basically being compartmentalized their individual subjects, separate from each other.

Though I would say what is still missing in the way we look at our approach to education is the question of, what kind of world are we training our children to accept? What principles are we training our children to live by?

No matter how effective in math, or in reading, or in understanding politics or geography or science you are, there still remains the question of, as a human being, how do you define your purpose and responsibility in relation to humanity and life on Earth as a whole? What value do you place as the driving principle behind your decision making? What values are the most practical to stick to, that will support decision making, problem solving, critical thinking, laws, and government aligned toward implementing solutions for enhancing and supporting an excellent quality of life for All?

Imagine you'd been asked these kinds of questions from a young age. Imagine if from a young age, you'd been shown how your life, your family, your education, your future, is going to impact not just you, but all life on Earth, through what you decide you will accept and allow to exist on Earth and thus what will become the basis of your goals and expression in life?

I mean what happens when you're taught that the world around you only impacts you from a perspective of giving you opportunities to find ways of being happy and taking care of only your own life, and you are not seeing the context of the wider consequences of your individual acceptances and allowances? For example not seeing how the consequence of millions of people individually seeing their own lives as more important than others, has the result of everyone accepting an economic system that places individual profit as more important than providing a dignified life for everyone, because everyone is too busy enriching their own lives instead of working together, standing together and coming up with solutions that will benefit everyone.

Suggested reading is the Teacher's Journey to Life blog, which approaches education from a starting point of practical, progressive solutions to support the development of children to reach their full potential as a responsible, practical, self honest human being:

Monday, March 23, 2015

Day 289: Parenting Questions and the Destiny of Family

Sitting in a restaurant today, a family sat down in the booth behind me. I had my back turned to them but I could hear a mother, a father, and two young boys. From what I could tell the boys were around 4 or 5, and there was also a young girl. The parents sounded like they were maybe in their early thirties. The two boys were from the get-go as the family sat down, what we would typically describe as 'rowdy', like asking lots of questions and climbing around and repeating words and sentences. The mother kept saying things like 'NO, don't go over there!' 'Come back here!' 'Sit down!' 'Stop doing that!' 'Knock it off!' And as she was speaking I could hear her teeth clenching and you could hear the frustration in her voice - you could hear the reactions of impatience and anger as the boys were obviously 'behaving' in a way that she didn't want - she was having a hard time 'controlling them'. So, the father returned to the table with food, and there commenced more 'rowdy' behavior, with both parents repeating commands like 'Knock it off!', 'You're 4 years old, why don't you act like it', 'Act normal!', and 'Shut the hell up!' There were also repeated threats of 'If you don't stop then let's just leave', and 'Okay we're leaving!' And the boys would say 'no', and then the father would say 'Then knock it off!' At one point the father smacked one of the boys, attempting to get him to 'Knock it off!' and sit still and eat his food. The boy started crying obviously, and telling the father that 'he hurt him'.

So here we have a scene which we can all agree is rather disturbing. I mean what's obviously happening here is that the parents are reacting to the children, and the reactions are being acted out, and this acting out of reactions is functioning as a method of shaping the child's behavior. We've all seen it or experienced it in some form or other in our own lives, and we all know that at this very moment, such situations are playing out in the lives of millions of people around the world.

Obviously most of us would agree that if we could prevent such abusive behavior, we would, wouldn't we? I mean if given the choice to continue with having your reactions direct how you interact with your child, or being given a way to understand why your child acts the way they do, and be able to support them and give them direction in a practical way, without having to use threats and violence, wouldn't you choose the practical, non-reactive way?

How many times have you yelled at your child, or grabbed your child, or smacked them, and regretted it afterward? How many times have you wondered why it's so hard to be a parent?

Why is it so difficult to be a parent? Why are there so many things about your child's behavior and development that you don't understand?

Why do you react and become emotional when your child doesn't act the way you want them to? Why do you get angry at them? What's really going on here?

Isn't it common sense that, in order to understand your child's behavior; how they respond to you, how they react to you, why they don't listen to you or do as you want them to, that you'd have to first understand and see how YOUR OWN reactions and your own behavior works? Has it ever occurred to you that your own starting point as a parent might be the actual problem, rather than your child's behavior?

How and where do you, with your children, allow your reactions to direct you in moments where you don't understand why your child is doing what they're doing? Are reactions ever a practical solution and method of educating and influencing a new human being who is going to copy what you tell them and show them?

Have you sat down and in writing written out and defined in words your expectations, your definitions, your memories, your ideas, your opinions, your wants and desires, around the point of parenting and having a family?

Have you ever stopped to consider how you formed and came to accept your definitions of parenting, family, raising a child? What were the influences? Where did those definitions come from?

Have you ever stopped and looked at what of your own behavior toward your child is exactly the same behavior that your own parents directed towards you? In what ways have you become a copy of your own parents? How and where have you copied and come to believe in the accepted ideas and definitions of parenting and family that you've been exposed to in the society you've become a part of? In what ways are you a copy of the world you were born into?

Are you satisfied with the way children are treated in this world? Do you believe it is acceptable for parents to mold, influence, train, and program a new human being according to whatever their particular opinions, beliefs, expectations, personal wants and desires and conditioning happen to be?

Should human beings have the 'right' to bring a child into the world simply because they are wanting to fulfill a preconceived idea about what their life is going to be like with a family?
Can you self honestly claim that your child holds any responsibility whatsoever to act, to be, to become what you want them to be according to your preconceived wants and expectations of having a family?

Why do you get embarrassed when your child is being loud or rambunctious in a public place like a restaurant? Is your child the problem? Is it your child who is causing you to feel embarrassed, or flustered, or upset, or stressed out? Or is your child's behavior simply triggering your own ideas, definitions, beliefs -- programming -- about how you're supposed to act in a public place, and how you, in your own mind, want others to see you and perceive you?

Why do we accept and allow ourselves to project our own programming onto our children?
Why is our priority the fulfillment of our own happiness and picture perfect life and family, rather than first making sure we are able to make decisions about another human being's life without having reactions cause us to do and say things that we would not like another to do and say to us?

When protesters are pepper sprayed, tasered, pushed around by police, aren't they doing exactly the same thing as we do to our children when we force them to conform to our thoughts, expectations, wants?

Our society is full of daily examples of abusive actions carried out in the name of protecting and enforcing the interests of religions, governments, etc. Isn't that what we're doing to our children? Protecting and enforcing our own personal interests as our own individual ideas, preconceptions, definitions and beliefs about having a family?

Why do we so easily judge others for attacking or being intolerant of things they don't understand, or that don't conform with their views and opinions, but fail to see how in yelling at and using physical violence to control our children, we are in fact attacking something we don't understand?

When will we be self honest and admit that we are faced with a problem in that we do not in fact have a practical way of directing the growth and development of children, and that we resort to manipulation and violence and fear tactics to control our children in order to manage our own emotional state?

Instead of abusing and traumatizing our children, leading inevitably to our children copying the same exact behaviors and reactions and repeating the same cycle with their own children, shouldn't we take Self Responsibility and first walk a self investigative process of understanding what conditioning, what programming we are walking with in our own minds, where it came from, and how it influences the way we see our children and the way we approach parenting?

Obviously these are some big questions that are not so easy to come to grips with. I mean, as the human race we have been repeating the same cycles of behavior over and over again generation after generation and it's easy to say that it's all just 'human nature'. But, fortunately - it's not 'just human nature'. Fortunately, we CAN change. And - the cool part is that there are already examples and documentation of HOW to change. This is what we're walking with the Journey to Life blogs as Destonians. We're changing the Destination of Humanity, changing the Destiny of Humanity. Changing our direction from that of reactions based on self interest based conditioning, to that of practical solutions based in the best interest of Life.

Here are some blogs and other links to assist with opening up practical insights into children, parenting, and education from those walking their process of developing Self Honesty and practical solutions:

Journey to a New Life

A New Father's Journey to Life

A Teacher's Journey to Life

Parenting: Perfecting the Human Race - audio series on Eqafe

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Day 288: Trapped in a Memory, Trapped in Survival

I made this picture because it illustrates how I had experienced a point that I had accepted and allowed myself to get locked into, and which over the last couple of years I experienced the consequences of. The point of being trapped in a memory! In recent weeks I realized and saw how I had specifically ended up locking myself into a survival mode, projecting memories into the future, thinking and believing I am seeing my actual future as what I am supposed to accomplish and experience as my 'purpose' in this life. Within this I manifested myself into an inner struggle between the fear of losing the future I believed was my purpose -- thus in essence 'failing my life / my purpose', and the deep desire and hope of achieving this projected future / purpose.

This survival mode within being trapped in a memory / memories ended up extensively influencing my starting point within how I viewed, experienced, and approached the primary points I am walking with and creating / developing in my life which are the points of my Self Expression within creative arts / music, business / making money, and developing an Agreement / Relationship with my partner. From projection and expectation, to disappointment, frustration, apathy, depression, and generally experiencing my life as a struggle.

The primary point of consequence that I manifested was that of outbursts of anger / rage -- which is a point I had been walking with from rather early in my life, from around the age that I started middle school / age 12-13. However it is only recently as I mentioned, that I've come to see and realize the extent to which I had defined myself / my purpose in life through this survival mode defined by the fear of loss / desire and hope around getting to this 'future point', and how this related specifically to the manifestation of the anger point.

In blogs to follow, I will be walking through what I've seen and realized as to how I manifested this point of anger / rage within me, through the nature of my relationship with emotion and feeling reactions in relation to how I interpreted and dealt with specific events and experiences throughout my life, starting at an early age.

I'll be sharing how the formation of my primary Self Image / Self Definition at a young age influenced how I saw myself in terms of my skills, my potential, my expression, my worth, and how I interpreted and reacted within Emotion to certain events and experiences throughout my formative years. 

I'll be sharing how my emotional reactions influenced my Self Image and how I defined myself in relation to others in my life, and how I progressed into finding ways of suppressing and coping with my emotions through Positive experiences / fantasies / future projections and expectations, becoming the survival point within which my starting point ended up becoming this quest, this struggle, to accomplish my 'Purpose' as the fulfillment of my primary desires, hopes, and fantasies. 

I'll be sharing how the underlying Purpose I had accepted myself to exist within and as, caused me to not be able to see how to fundamentally change / stop the anger point within me, and how within identifying and letting go of this purpose, I've been able to release myself / unlock myself from the survival point, see and understand anger and emotion in its proper context as it specifically relates to me and my life, and in this open up a whole new way of seeing myself and my life, a new world of possibilities and opportunities to start Start creating myself for real, and be free of the inner struggle I had been walking with.

Stay tuned.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

Day 287: Communication: Software Updates for Organic Robots

An interesting realization opened up the other day as my agreement partner and I were talking about our finances. First some context: My partner is in charge of our budgeting because she is more effective naturally with math and creating management systems. We share a joint checking account and generally the way we've been dealing with decision making regarding making purchases individually is that most of the time I'll let her know when there's something of moderate to high cost I need to buy, and most of the time she'll keep me updated about our available funds in relation to the expenses and bills we need to cover in a particular period, and when to hold off on buying things. We have a checking account and also a few credit cards with my partner managing our use of credit cards in a way where we make sure our monthly payments don't exceed what we can afford.

So now that you have some context, an interesting thing happened the other day when I bought a couple of things from the office supply store. I decided to make the purchase based on information my partner had given me a couple days back. I had been planning to buy a desk, and she had given me a price range I should stay within. After looking at desks I hadn't found one and so decided to stick with my old desk for the time being. So, a couple days later when I was at the office supply store, I decided to buy a couple things using the card I was going to buy the desk with previously. In that moment I inferred / assumed the purchase would be fine, based on looking at how we'd used the card over the last couple of days and thinking there were still plenty of funds left from the amount originally allocated for a desk.

Well, later when I told my partner what I bought and how much it had cost, it created a bit of an unnecessary inconvenience because she hadn't anticipated the purchase and so had to now re-work the numbers a bit.

So I suggested that the solution I could apply would be to simply make sure that I communicate any such potential purchase to her in advance to make sure it's fine, and not make a decision based on an assumption, because in that moment of assumption, though I thought I was working with an accurate assessment of our funds, I didn't have an actual update as to the real status of the funds or to my partner's specific plans related to that money. This opened up the interesting realization that we really are like computers with our own individual software running, and basically what happened was that in the moment of assumption that influenced my decision making, I was running an outdated software version! The assumption could have been prevented if I'd made a Connection through Communication, and downloaded the current update from my partner about the status of our money / the numbers! It's like literally when we're communicating and sharing information in real time, working with the actual information, it's the same as computers connected to each other through the internet, sharing in real time the most current information, downloading updates. Then when the connection is severed -- the computer is running a software version that, a few days later may be outdated! The same as when you get some information from someone in a moment of Communication / Connection - after the connection is severed, that same information a couple days later may no longer represent actual reality!

Seeing the point of assumption in the context of how it's really like working with an incorrect version of reality that -- MAY have been correct at an earlier stage, I realized how many little moments assumptions are made - in relation to each other, based on information that was received through Connections at one time, but which may have changed since the last Connection! And we all know how easy it is to, in our mind take information as fact just because it's there and we tend to believe our own assumptions and memories just because we can form them but -- man that is really not a practical way to exist with each other because things change and information can be easily warped and mutated in one's mind by desires, memories, judgments, preferences, beliefs. It's better to simply Connect and Communicate to keep things REAL and get updates, especially when walking a partnership with someone in an Agreement, in the money system where we're tied to finances and jobs and responsibilities that relate to our survival.

So my partner and I agreed that, instead of allowing those little moments of assumption in relation to money, we communicate important updates to each other so we can be sure we're running the same software version! Also after this recent discussion she suggested she share the document she'd created that she used to manage our budgeting, so I could use it for reference. So I'm now also going to make a point of familiarizing myself more with the specifics of our budget and structuring my understanding of our budget according to the actual information, and identifying and stopping moments of assumption.

It's all part of aligning Self out of thought and energy, into practical reality awareness where, I'm being disciplined in sticking to Common Sense instead of allowing myself to believe in the Logic of thinking. Thinking involves following the logic of your beliefs, assumptions, judgments, desires, fears, projections, opinions, conditioned behavior, memories, instead of using Communication, being Self Honest about when and how one does not actually 'know' what's best or have all the Actual information in Reality about how a decision may affect not just yourself but another, and directing self to take Action aligned with the practical steps of getting to the point where one can say Self Honestly that - this is the best decision.